I still…

Had no real title, so I stole this one from BSB lol. Anyway not much going on with me. It’s been one hell of a year. Most of it full of disappointment, but I did have some good moments. I know I hurt Anthony’s feelings when he found out I blocked him. I asked him to give me time to myself but he couldn’t let me go and i had to do that for myself and his. Anthony made it a point to mention to one guy I almost talked to, Chris, (works there too, stupid I know lol) that we used to date and asked him to find out why I blocked him. Anthony had never mentioned dating me to anyone, only his family knew. Only on person at work knew and that’s cause they saw us together and assumed. It pissed me off, and while the Chris started to pull away just days after the “talking stage” after he completely cut me off. He must have assumed I was looking for relationship and the dating that damn dude I think played a part. Chris spent damn near the whole year flirting with me, and i was never sure if he was serious. I started catching feelings and once we started “talking” i guess he got cold feet. I wouldn’t have even bothered if I thought he really didn’t like me. So for a while that guy hurt my feelings’, i had real feeling for him and he shunned me. He was all for hanging out with me, then all of a sudden he wasn’t. He told me some story about how he didn’t think he’d made a good bf and that he’s planning to move after his son graduates next year.

So all I got from that is he was playing this whole time, grabbing me in for hugs I didn’t initiate, hinting all the time about hanging out, making me think he actually did like me. All for him to go cold on me, and that was all by text. I asked him to meet up so we could talk because I could feel the pull. He opted to text instead and said he just wanted to be friends. Since then he’s stopped talking to me, treats me like any other coworker, doesn’t text unless I do. I tested him to see if he’d even hang out as good friends, as he claimed he wanted to do, to only go see Christmas trees at the aquarium and he ignored that question completly. So I knew he was full of shit when he said friends. I asked if he’d let me use him as emergency contact and he brought up the fact he’s moving in the summer (which i knew, and i would have made adjustments when that time came) I mean I dont have friends or family here so if anything were to happen I am on my own. I think this thing hurt me more than it should have, but I thank God I wasn’t in love. It just enough having feelings that were dashed with no warning or real explanation. So I now treat him like he treats me, just a coworker that speaks in passing. He goes “I really do like you and want us to be friends, please don’t be upset” while treating me like nothing ever happened. Glad he did that before I continued to look like a fool.

I just know I have no plans to date anytime soon. I think I have an issue with getting too attached. I don’t get much attention, affection, compliments, so when I get them they make me smile. When it’s continues I start to think, or wonder, if that person is for real or just playing. I call myself thinking before I act, and yet I let my feelings get in the way and some how get hurt. Sometimes I’ll get them from random strangers, most times never seeing them again, but it still makes my day. Especially when the day has been shit. I know I am tired of people playing with my emotions tho, making me think they actually like me, then when i catch feelings they back up. OR they do like Anthony and play relationship, but never give it real definition or love. So I am better off alone. This week alone has been hell, but since finally being able to cut off any emotional shit I had for Chris, I feel a bit better and less lonely. I released any emotional attachments, which i did with affirmations I said out loud. I have to learn to not let compliments, attention and fake affection get me caught up. I want to date one day, but then I am also scared to. I want someone to love, but I need for them to love me too…for once. So if I can’t have that, then I will stay single. I can’t take anymore heartache and I refuse to. I had a shitty past two days, that would have otherwise been good if it wasn’t for one pt at my day job screaming at me and wishing I was dead. So when I got to my second job last night, it was a nice break from that. I had a customer come in sometime that night, who when he came in smiled as soon as he saw me and spoke before heading over to get whatever he was buying. I laughed at myself because while he was attractive, his hair, eyes, and the fact he was wearing a hat (something similar to what Chris would wear), and I had to shake my head. He came back later with two large washers and I joked about the “big order” he was paying for. We had a nice little conversation and he came up with this clever way of telling me his name then asked for mine. Before leaving, he looked back and smiled saying it was nice to meet me. I liked that, I really did. However, I try not to let any compliments have me feeling good about it. I know it’s not real, I’d probably never see him again anyway. It was nice tho, after the stressful day, that a total stranger would pay any compliment to me.

It stays with me, and then I start overthinking or obsessing because I liked how it made me feel. It’s silly i know, but I have experienced love, but all of the relationships/situationships had been one sided. I was the only one in love, and I fought for nothing. So now I am scared to feel, and then I don’t wanna get caught up and think maybe a person likes me. Then later same day, one of my fave coworkers, Pete, comes into work. He’s actually one of the few people I actually look forward to working with. I actually feel excited when he comes in, even tho we don’t talk much. Just random convo in passing, but he seems just as excited to see me. He will wave when he sees me and all that. Him, I don’t have feelings for, but I like him tho. Like I like his personality and he’s consistently nice to me, but I have not actually wanted anything. He was more talkative last night, but then he works in a totally diff dept and comes in like 2 hrs after I do, but I engaged cause the talks are funny/joking lol. He asks me “how’s it going” and I throw this fake ass cheesy grin with two thumbs up and he laughs and says “that’s great” then comments “well your beautiful smile wins, you’re now employee of the year” and in passing I believe I saw him wink lol. That’s really the first time he’s done that, like any kind of compliment, but I yelled back since he walked away asking if that meant I get a raise, he laughs and goes yeah.

I laughed at the whole interaction, and some times in the day I’d see him in the distance he’d either look over or wave. I found myself liking the feeling and was like nope, haha. I do miss the human connection, and i think that’s why I can get suckered in, when someone just being nice. So yeah, but then later when it was close to time to leave, Chris comes by and speaks about how sick he’s feeling before heading to the breakroom. I give my sympathy, i mean I’m not evil, but not feeling any emotions made the interaction like talk with anyone else lol. A few minutes later Pete comes by headed to his break as well, he stops and says “I need for you to ring up every item in this store in 5 mins” I laugh and said “ok I’ll get right on it. He laughs and heads in the break room. I ended up being able to close my register early, so as I am clocking out (time clock is in the breakroom) Pete is sitting at the table, and Chris is sitting in his usual spot in one of the cushioned leather chairs on the other side of the room. As I’m heading to my locker Pete is like “hey young lady, you didn’t ring up every single item in this store in 5 mins” I laugh and go “yes I did, I am just that good” he goes “so you remember every single sku number” I said “nope, that’s what online cashier book and the website are for. Besides, I can forget why I walked in a room there’s no way I’d remember all those numbers” He made some comment about how it means I need a reboot. I said “that’s why I need a floppy disk to remember stuff” he says “well there’s chips” I said “chips can be hacked, I’ll go with a floppy disk lol.

As I am heading out I tell everyone bye and that I’ll see them Saturday, Pete looks up smiles and says bye and I look over at Chris to wave and say bye to him as well. I do hope he feels better, but it’s not my job to make sure lol. However, I did find myself thinking about the Pete interactions when I got home. That was actually nice and fun. I needed the mood lifter and laughs. The compliments were nice as well, as he’s never really said them before. Don’t worry I am not getting caught up in it tho lol, I have definitely learned my lesson. I just liked the feeling of someone actually paying attention to me, and being genuinely nice to me without trying to flirt or expecting anything. I have other coworkers that I enjoy talking and joking with to, and when i have to work and none of them are there it sucks lol. I do hope that next year is nicer to me. I really do want someone to share my life with, but I will not do anything to find them. I’m done hoping, just wanna see if it even is meant for me. I’m at least gonna enjoy this freedom and end 2023 single and at peace lol.