I need something to do

My heart hurts terribly and I need to find something to do to take my mind off things. I don’t know what to do. I mean yeah I can spend the day cleaning again (cause mom has a LOT of junk), but it’s getting up to get started that is the issue. I honestly feel numb and my heart hurts, so trying to think of anything else is a challenge. I don’t mean to make all my entries about this, but it’s all I can think about. I talked to him while he was an. hour out from being home. Some of the things we talked about was whether this was a good idea or not. When I asked him what he was thinking he said he was wondering if we made the right decision and that he keeps telling himself it won’t be long. This wasn’t said in arrogance as I can tell he misses me, but is lettings things be as they are for now. We talked about how used to each other we were and that now we have to get used to the opposite. I asked if he thought we made the right decision, and he was like yes and no. I can understand why he’d say that. He said as much as he doesn’t like it, he feels maybe this was needed in some way, but in other ways he’s not so sure. He said he doesn’t feel this is the end of things. Maybe we should have talked it out, but what’s done is done. He wants me to come back to see him soon, and I’m tempted. It’s hard to just leave him alone, and this makes grieving and getting over him harder. So why can’t I stop it? I’ve gotten more  lovey dovey texts from him lately than I have in a long time. I used to get these all the time with such sweet things that made me smile big. Within a year of me moving there and getting used to living with him, they started to slow some. I told him repeatedly I missed that, cause all I got the longer it went on, was sexting. It was fun at first, but he got more obsessed with it and sex and it started to annoy me. Now that I’m so far away from him, I get what I’ve been wanting. I suppose it could be manipulation, but as far as all of our break up history goes, he always ends up missing me so much that he’d want to see me again, and like a fool I’d go back thinking it’d be better this time. Maybe I’m stupid, cause this went on (break ups and make ups) for 5 years before he finally got in his head he wanted to be serious with me. I’ve known him since 2009.

I also miss my dog. I’m sure he misses me too and that by itself is saddening. I never thought I’d love a dog so much, but thankfully I have pics of my pooch to look at. That creature loves me dearly and the attention he gets from me. I hope I can see him again….if I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been torn up about this because I feel regret, but then I keep going over reasons why I left. So yeah I did make a informed decision, and it was right for me, but did i do it too soon?  Why didn’t I try to talk? I guess no amount of preparing can help you not feel the way I do. I feel like this is a bad dream I can’t wake from, it’s depressing. I still plan to move into my own soon, I cannot stay here. I need my own space. I need my own room. I need peace and quiet when I’m not in a good mood, and I will need that peace and quiet when I start school this fall. I need to be able to chill without someone barging in my room at any given time. I always hated that about living at home. I knew I wouldn’t like it here, but I came anyway because I felt I had no choice. I didn’t know where else to go, I couldn’t afford to live alone. I wish I could have found a good job in NC at least, would have helped out in so many ways. I hope that whenever I do end up in NC again I can find something good this time. I am SO tired of shitty jobs and shitty pay. I am glad to have an opportunity for a good job, my old job. My interview is tomorrow, so I guess I could use today to help mentally prepare myself for it. i guess I could use that as a distraction too. If I get this job (i think I have a really good chance too) then I will be full time making at least $13 an hour so that means much nicer checks. Yeah I’d be on phones all day, but I’d have more to be able to save with. I will try my best to save huge chunks at a time. I hope to be able to get my own place by September, but if I have a nice enough chunk saved, it won’t be too hard to save to move back to NC. 

My mom seems to think that me staying with her and saving with her to move is a good idea. I can still save, even if living alone. I’ve done it before for cruises and trips. I just need for her to understand my need to be alone. Also, she’s been trying to move to NC for 3+ years and has yet to find away. I’m worried I’d be stuck here in Indy longer than I want to be,  and as I may have said before I HATE IT HERE. I have a few friends here that I worked with that I hope to hang with while I am here, and I love NC so at some point I will go back. If anything i can get mom down to visit (since I’ll be able to save up easier) cause there  is so much I wanna show her. So yeah…but let me get my hands of a huge chunk of (legal lol) cash, and I will get her moved down to whatever city she wants. She’s thinking Charlotte or Raleigh, those are good choices I think. 

So yeah to get my mind off my situation, this entry helps some, but I guess I’ll get up and start cleaning. I got up to pay my cell bill, but have yet to do so lol. I’m considering heading down to the school in NC to get my books, vs having them shipped to me because I don’t think they let you use financial aid to have them shipped. So yeah, but I have til august to decide. I could use my credit card to buy them, but I’d rather not, so we’ll see how things pan out for me with this job. Anyway I know that if you’ve been reading me you’re tired of this whole thing. All my complaints, and now my stressing over the grieving process, but I need this outlet. I know even now, I’m making a lot of stupid mistakes in trying to deal with this. I have no idea how this will go, I have no idea how I will get through this. I am just tired of this stressing and really sick of crying. Crying headaches are the worst. I know that my friends would be pissed at me even still talking to him, feeling regret, or wanting to see him again because they want the best for me. I keep that in mind, because their opinions matter, but as of right now I am struggling like hell to get through this and leaving him alone. He loves me, but he needs to learn how to show it and to learn to appreciate me.. Maybe this distance will help, it has before. I just feel like such shit, so I am gonna try my best to distract myself from this feeling.