How I’m feeling

Better than I had been for a while, but still not in a happy place. Still hoping for good things to come my way. I want to be happy so bad. After a talk with S I don’t feel much better. He seems to think just being more attentive lately, will win my affections back. It’s not just that. It’s getting him to stop lying to me or doing things behind my back so he feels the need to lie. I know more than he thinks I do, so if I ask him something I already know I can tell if he’s lying or not. He doesn’t seem to understand how a relationship works. If I can’t trust him, this can’t wotk. He doesn’t seem to get the idea that I might leave. He doesn’t seem to get that money is the only thing holding me back from leaving now. As of now I’m saving up, but I’m trying to come up with other ways to come up with extra cash.

i tell him I’m unhappy, he doesn’t ask why. He tells me he’s not as happy as he should be. So why are we together? Instead of discussing this, he just starts trying to be more attentive. I feel we need to talk again, once more, before I tell him my thoughts. I seem to communicate better when I write, so I will sit down and write out what’s bothering me and why I’m hurt and depressed and why I can’t let past hurts go. It’s a build up of things over time and if I find myself thinking about all the times he’s hurt me. Those details stay with me and when things keep happening it just adds to the hurt. I asked him about why he kept watching porn on my computer after we talked about it and he flat out told me he didn’t. I told him I saw it, he said then it wasn’t him. Had I been smart enough (hard to think straight when your head and heart are heavy) I would take taken pics or screen shots.

I ask him about stuff I’ve seen him text to his female friends and he’ll either say nothing or lie. If you’re not happy or don’t love me, let me go. Don’t keep me around so you don’t have to be alone, or tell your parents or friends that you screwed up a relationship with a good woman. The lying part hurts a lot. Even when I’ve shown him evidence that I know he’s lying, he’ll still try to lie his way out of it. I guess I’ll have to be more blunt with him and tell him if I can’t get the respect I deserve, there is NO reason to stay. I refuse to marry a liar nor do I wanna stick around just waiting for marriage to happen….one day. I wasted so much time on him. I’m not about to waste more!! I’m not gonna spend 2019 unhappy.