Hey there

I’m still alive and kicking, still feeling about the same. Scared as hell to express my true feelings to S about what I’ve seen because in the past it always ends up hurting me more. There are things I’d like to see changed, but I’m not even sure they will. Every time I talk about my feelings, I feel worse, and not much effort is made. There are some affection actions that seem to get better, but with what I know and how it makes me feel, it all feels fake. I battle with dealing with the hurt from knowing I’ve been lied to, and letting him know I’m hurt. I’ve been stressing over this for a week, by now I should have talked. I can only hope he listens this time. I thought about writing it out in a letter, to better express myself, but I dunno. I don’t wanna have another text message argument, those are stupid and they hurt, and I find myself going back to read over them, just depressing me even more. Glutton for punishment I guess, but ugh! I don’t mean to go on about this, I don’t want all my entries to be about my life and this worrisome issue I have. I just wish it was easier for me to say what I need to, without fear of being hurt because of it. He’d never hit me, but his words can hurt just as bad, especially accompanied by his actions.. I haven’t felt like interacting with him, or even having sex, I just don’t feel happy and loved enough to have the emotion it takes to even get aroused, or smile. This is so hard for me, I wish I was as bold as he is. I would do so much more for him, if he would make more of an effort. I don’t feel motivated, because I feel it won’t be appreciated and because I feel the relationship fading slowly. He claims he doesn’t see it, but I do. This porn thing just doesn’t seem to get better, every time i’m at work he gets on there, and then deletes his evidence. I have gotten to where I check when I get home, just to see, and most times I’m not disappointed, and that saddens me. It bothers me because it makes me feel I’m not enough, it makes me feel unsexy, and like i’m competing with his fantasies. I’ve told him it bothers me, and how it makes me feel recently and i think in the past. How can he say he loves me, and do things he knows hurts me, and try to hide them from me or lie. Aren’t I worth better than that. Again I’m so sorry for going on about this, but I really don’t have any other place to talk about this. I’m just trying to build up the courage to talk. I hope that it’s not as bad as I’m thinking it’ll be, but I won’t know until I try.

I don’t want this entire entry to be about that, so I’ll change the subject. I’ll keep you updated about the aftermath of the talk, but for now I’m moving on to another topic. One less depressing. So school, going well so far. I have 7 weeks left in this semester. I stressed all week about this presentation in business class. I had never done one, and the teacher didn’t prepare us for this presentation, just gave us instructional sheets and said go. All of our other assignments have been reading that come with quizzes. There was nothing to lead us up to making a presentation, other than the PowerPoint and other documents on how to do it. So I did the best I could based on her example, and hope for the best. I could work on projecting my voice more, but she should be glad I submitted anything. As it is, only one other student posted theirs, and it was due Friday night. I wasn’t sure about the due date, and I tried to find where she stated it and couldn’t find it. I emailed her Thursday and she never got back to me. I was gonna post it anyway just in case, and thankfully I found where she said it was due Friday. Then Saturday when no one but me and one other student posted theirs, she sends out 3 announcement emails. So you can do that, but not reply to me? If I could drop her now and get another business class I would. I certainly hope she doesn’t teach the next business class I have to take, I’ll be sure NOT to if she’s on the list of classes for spring semester. As for all my other classes, I am passing with A’s so I’m happy about that. It hasn’t been easy, time wise, but I’m getting there. I took yesterday off from any kind of work. I was exhausted.

Well I broke down and got myself a new Iphone. I said I’d never upgrade again, and was happy with my current phone (a 6+), but when I go to do updates for my apps, I ran out of room and find myself having to delete shit just to be able to update it. I don’t even have that much, and damn why do the updates have to take up so much space? Well my phone is a 16 gig, which was a step up from my 8 gig but it’s just annoying to have to delete things such as pics, songs, and other apps just to have an app I want or to update. I don’t even keep a crap ton of pics on my phone. Most I end up deleting. So I went ahead and ordered a new one. There is nothing wrong with my current one, I just need more room. I can trade it in for a credit, so I will. This new one is just a 7+, but in rose gold, which is what I’ve wanted for a while. It’s gonna have 128 gigs, that should be more than enough room. I have a gold one, and they came out with rose gold after. Anyway, it should be here soon, and I’m looking forward to the new phone and it’s features. I’m not interested in having the latest, and I’m not sure how I feel about glass phones…even with a case I’d be scared I’d shatter it. They are too expensive to be so fragile lol. I’ll have to get a phone case, cause these tend to be slippery without one. Thankfully I’m on a payment plan, so i’m not out the full amount now (not that i have that much lol). It’s $80 cheaper than the one I have now lol.

Tomorrow I will call the temp agencies and try again to get with them. The lady was supposed to get back with me and never did, I think she forgot. So I’ll talk with them tomorrow. I hope to hear back from the hospital, and will see if they have contact info to see if I can check on the status. I at least want an interview, cause I need something and fast. I need to be able to take care of myself should I have to leave. If anything were to happen I’d need a back up plan anyway. I give up on trying to find full time at my current job, I just keep getting passed over every time I try.

Well I’m off this thing, talk to you guys later. Thanks for reading.