Here’s my thoughts…

I think it will be a good idea to leave the details of my issues to myself, or restrict them to my diary at least. If I am having issues, I won’t bug my friends about it, no details. If I break up with someone, I won’t leave or share posts that suggest I am having troubles. I do want people to care how I am, but the thing with that is, I am a very private person, and then I feel I have to talk to everyone and say I am fine repeatedly when I am not. I mean WHO is happy at the end of a break up, especially when it’s still fresh? I really don’t mean to come across as a bitch, it just feels overwhelming having so many people repeatedly ask me if I am ok. I know they mean well, and trust me I really appreciate it. I love that people care and love me. It’s just that I haven’t had time to deal with my feelings, and I HATE for people to know I am hurting or upset. I vented so much people knew something was up. I just wish I had kept it to myself. I shared so many relationship memes that people would get an idea. I usually keep all my issues to myself, but then I get to a point where I need to vent. SO from now on, I want to keep the details of my troubles to my diary. I may do some of them private. Now living with mom and sis i’ll get asked that a lot, and it sucks. I wanna cry, but I try not to until I feel it’s safe to do so. That’s usually around bedtime, then they usually leave me alone. Now surprisingly I was able to go two nights without crying, though last night I couldn’t sleep for shit. I think I will invest in some melatonin cause I need sleep. Although I slept pretty well most of this week cause I didn’t have someone pressuring me to have sex, but then I’d wake in the middle of the night thinking about him. I’m not trying to say I don’t want any words of encouragement, I just want people to understand I am not ok, and for someone like me I need to grieve alone. 

Another reason I need to start keeping details to myself is if I was to decide to go back to an ex, I’d have to deal with the fact that my friends would be pissed at me. Unless I am officially done, I will start keeping certain details to myself. I say this because I know that my friends want the best for me, and I want the best for me. I just can’t let others influence how I live my life. If I am stupid enough to go back to an ex, I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences. I truly value my friends and family opinions, and I love them for caring. I just hate the feeling of saying “yeah, I took him back. Yeah I know blah blah” it’s such an uneasy feeling lol. I have done that plenty of times with S. I am still not over him, and he doesn’t think this is the end. Honestly, I dont know. I feel weak right now when it comes to him, but at this point only time will tell how things pan out. I know he is a manipulator. I know he’s done plenty of dirty shit. I still question why I loved him in the first place. He’s always given me trouble.

I talked with him today asking if we could talk about what went wrong. I think he and I have a very different idea of what went wrong. According to him the brunt of our issues stemmed from financial problems. They got to him so bad that he could not handle the stress. He could not handle the idea that he had to ask his parents for money. He kept telling me he should be able to come to me instead of them. Here’s the thing, first off he’s bad with money. Then add to the fact that he smokes weed, there goes bill money there. He’s more responsible than his son, but if he cut that out, he’d save a few hundred a month. I couldn’t get him to understand that the pressure he put on me is why my mood and actions change. What I don’t understand is how a financial issue (which i know can break up even marriages) can cause him to do things like lie about porn, watch it on my computer, entertain friends and try to hide shit from me. He swears he never cheated, but sometimes his behavior makes me wonder. Who wants to live like that? How can you convince yourself that I don’t care, when you see me trying. So according to him a lot of our issues could be solved with money. Hmmm, so I guess if I could have somehow found that job, we could have made it? Bullshit…he’s an asshole and he knows it. He’s a narcissist, but doesn’t see himself as such. So yeah for so many reasons going was a good idea, but there were things that should have taken place before the official decision was made.

So now I don’t even know what to call this situation. It’s so interesting how you can be so pissed at someone that you are so in love with. He can be and has been a good man at times. He just needs to work on his actions, so they match his words. He needs to work on his temper and learn to control his stress. He needs to learn to appreciate me and my efforts and stop pressuring me so much. I think if we were to make it, we’d have to get counseling. I know one thing I will do while i am here, is look into talking to a therapist. I’d like to change some things about myself, not for anyone else but me. I need to learn to stop being a softee, cause it just causes more issues. So at some point I think I will need to talk to him about what did it for me, with this relationship. To me, finances should not have caused him to put me down, lie, and disrespect me or pressure me for sex all the time. I have to be cautious with him cause he’s an asshole when you confront him, but I need him to see my POV. I will not bring the past up, just what I’d like to have happen for the future. I’d have to do that with anyone I’m with, so even if it’s not him, the next guy won’t be able to do to me, what this guy has. I have learned one thing, what I DO NOT WANT in a relationship. He just needs to grow up, too damn old to be playing games. Breaking my heart over money, is not what I signed up for.

He seems to think we can fix this. I’ll leave that up to God. For now, I will focus on my new job (soon as I have the official confirmation from them lol) and try to fix my relationship with God, which by comparison is so much easier. It just takes discipline on my part lol. I’m so easily distracted sometimes.