Hello again

You’d think I’d use this diary more often since i subscribe to use it. I either don’t have time, or i don’t feel like it. I took VTO today, so I’m gonna write lol.

So anyway, I am doing ok. I have been at this new job for almost 6 months. It has it’s fair share of annoyances, cause people are just not so bright, but for the most part it’s not a bad job. I’m just glad folks can’t see my face when they ask the dumbest questions lol. That and the way they nitpick on stats when it comes to these calls lol. I can say I love it much better than my last job, but maaan they can work a nerve sometimes lol. Anyway, I am still currently at my second job. I’ve been on the fence about staying, as of right now I’ll stay at least until after my mom comes to visit in August, but it isn’t like i couldn’t use the money. As it is, my rent will go up for my next lease. Not wanting to do that, but I am also in no position to move. Next year tho, I will plan on moving to a cheaper place, preferably not too far from where I am now. I have one other place I’ve considered, but I am in no way prepped to move in 3 months so I’ll just sign another lease. 

As far as my personal life…meh. I had a talk with Anthony last month about the status of “us”, seems I am always the one to have these talks. I’m the only one to initiate them, and I have to push for answers. It’s well past getting old, it is old. I have tried for over a year to give him a chance to man up, and so far he’s not meeting that goal. I see he is trying, but after every talk things change for a few days, then he falls back into old patterns. As of now, he is starting to annoy me, and when I’m super irrigated with him, it’s hard not to gripe. I never want to hurt his feelings so I avoid it, but he is the most clueless man I have met. Well partially clueless, I think a large part of it is he ignores changes in my behavior because he is too afraid to speak up. 

Somehow he’s managed to move a lot of his clothes here, to the point where i had to get more hangers and  plastic storage drawers for things that I couldn’t hang. I mean it started off I’d say hey leave that here and I’ll wash it for you. I hung it up to avoid it sitting folded on my floor. Somehow more of his clothes started being left here and now I have a whole section of his shit. Not to mention, he has gotten so comfy that he’ll raid my fridge, cook himself food (without offering me any), just showing up without saying he’s coming. I hate I gave him a key. I know it sounds bad to say, cause we are dating, but it’s like he’s taken it upon himself to literally make himself at home. 

He has yet to cook for me, spend real time with me, do anything with me, talk with me about anything other than work. I have not once heard I love you, and that bothers me the more it goes on. I feel I gave him more than enough time, I understand being hurt and trusting someone with your heart, but I don’t feel its fair to make me pay for that fear. So yes, It’s been heavy on my mind and heart that I will have to chalk this down to literally Just a friendship. He likes the idea of being with me, but doesn’t really act like it’s a relationship. At least it doesn’t feel like one. I am not happy and my feelings have changed. It’s not fair to him to keep it going and it’s not fair to me. What’s held me back is not so much fear of being alone, but hurting his feelings. It’s just getting to be too much and it’s stressing me out. 

The last talk we had I told him I do not want to wait around not knowing the future. I don’t want my heart broken, I need to know how you feel, i need to know you love me. I said even if it doesn’t work, at least we can say we tried. I said that because he kept using his past hurts to keep this from moving forward. He’s so damn sensitive and it makes me sad that I’ll have to hurt his feelings. I told him I can’t try by myself. He then asks me my love language, i tell him physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation. So far the physical touch i get is him grabbing my boob or ass, or rubbing my leg while he reads anime lol. At the end of that last talk he goes “do you want to try together” i said yes. I always give it some time to see if i notice any changes, and honestly i don’t. I just see a man that’s gotten so comfy he’s stopped trying to put in real effort. He’s more used to coming over when he wants and hanging out, than actually being in a relationship. I have to wonder if any of his friends even know he has a gf, cause i never met them. Only his family.

I dunno I could go on about the things that annoy me, worry me, irritate me about him. Although I can also say there are a lot of good things about him. He’s a good person, but a terrible bf. I don’t really feel like he’s even that, it really just feels like he’s my friend and we just hang and have sex. I want more than just that. I want more than just sitting on the couch with phones out because he can’t pull himself away from tiktok or anime. I want a foreseeable future, and i don’t have one. He is not comfy with talking about anything that makes him feel vulnerable, and so that’s why I have to always be the one to initiate the serious talks. I’m tired of that. I feel so bad because he’s not a bad man, I’m just not happy anymore. My needs are not being met. 

What’s funny is I don’t even want to admit we’re dating anymore and have been contemplating the idea of seeing someone else (not right away of course) but because i want to see what else is out there. I don’t really want anyone anytime soon, but i haven’t completely shut out the idea of dating again. I’d just rather be with someone who knows what they want and how to be in a relationship. If there is no one out there for me, I am 100% ok with being alone. No matter what, my goal is to be happy. So that’s where i am headed. I will have another talk with Anthony very soon. I hate it, messes with my anxiety, but it must be done.