Happy Birthday to me

Yep, today I turn 42. I have no plans, but that’s a good thing. Although, I am going to use this free time to catch up on some homework. I have the entire day off and I am happy about that. It was my gift to myself lol. I went to the library this morning to print off my paystubs and my tax info from my school. Now I can finally get my taxes done lol, and I can see if I can afford my own place. I have an appt with the office this afternoon at 4. I pray they can work something out for me.

I know I am long overdue for an entry that gives more details of the break up. I still have no regrets, but I do wish I could have been more prepared to move when I did. That had been my plan, but income and money kept holding me back. That and trying to avoid the cold shoulder I get from him, even tho it still surfaces.

So, I believe it was Sunday we talked. Since he had yet to talk to me about where we were going (and he had sent me a text days prior saying it was imperative that we did), I had to do it. That type of stuff irks me, but that’s how he is. A big coward. So I asked him about his text about talking where we were going. He says he was just wanting to know where I thought this was going. I told him it was going nowhere, that we have tried for several years and keep falling. I told him I don’t have any fight left in me, I have shut down, and I can’t take the arguments anymore and I don’t want to fight anymore. I said I think we should be friends, we just seem to be going nowhere and I can’t stand it anymore. He was quiet this whole time. He did say that was fine and that there were no hard feelings. He also said it wasn’t all my fault or all his. I kept quiet on this, because if we are gonna be honest this was 99% his fault, but I really don’t wanna fight. I said that I don’t want to hold him back from what he wants to do, because I know he has needs. I asked if he was ok with that, he said well depends on if we’re still gonna take care of those needs. I said I can’t promise things will change with me.

Can you believe this, he thinks I’d still wanna fulfil his sexual needs as FRIENDS? THE FUCK? So yeah, since then absolutely nothing has happened. I sleep in full PJs with undies on the whole night, and stay on MY side of the bed. Most times now he’ll end up going in the living room to sleep on the couch. I asked how he felt living with someone he wasn’t dating, he said he was ok, he’s done it before, but every situation is different. He asked what I planned to do, stay the lease or whatever. I said I plan to try to get my own place if I can. I told him while I am here, I will still help with food and rent (as I have been lol). So he was quiet after that, acting like he was down. He’s just mad I took his power from him. He’d hang the end of “us” over my head, and for years it worked, I’d try to make things work. I became numb from it. I wasn’t even sad about it, tho it felt weird after. The other night he was jerking around in bed and moaning (he does this when he’s super horny) and I completely ignored him. He eventually got up and went in the living room and slept there until I got him up so he could take me to work. Sometime later that morning (while I was at work) he texts me asking if I have talked to the rent office yet. I took this to mean he was pissy that I ignored his sexual needs. He does this shit, it’s annoying but petty. 

I replied that I have not yet but I would. So when I got my break, I called them and I have an appt at 4 to meet and see what/if they can do anything to help. I will look up other cheaper apts (in decent neighborhoods) if they say no. My credit and income is much better since the time I had to sign the lease. I hope they can work with me, but if nothing else they said I can get off the lease. S and his son will have to show new paystubs to prove their income again (oh well, that’s what they get for making me sign the lease). I wasn’t working at the time, so I had no choice. His reply back to me from that text was, it’s all good. I’ll let him know he and his son will need their stubs to show the office, since they plan to stay in the apt I am leaving. I’m positive something good will come of this, just trying not to be anxious about it. My last resort is getting an extended stay and applying at the job in another city. If I get it, he’ll have to help me get there, then I can not worry about ever seeing him again. At least some things are coming along, I pray it works in my favor.

Yesterday morning as he was dropping me off at work, I told him that I was just going to walk to my second job (it’s across the street) and he was all too eager to agree. I laughed at that fact, but made no fuss about it. Well it’s a good thing I did that, because on the way to my second job I found a $100 bill. I was so surprised, I never find money, let alone that much. I’ll throw it in my account as soon as I can. I woke to my paycheck from the deli job (happy bday to me lol), and a covid relief payment from the school to help with school stuff, food, bills etc. So I threw some in savings, paid a couple of bills, and holding on to as much of  it as possible so I will have money saved for when I do move. I’m grateful for this, as it helps me get closer to my goals. I may have nothing but the shit i came with when I move, but the peace of having my own place is worth it.