Happy (belated) New Year lol

Well I hope everyone had a good new year celebration. I spent mine alone, but I actually enjoyed my day. I just a couple cups of wine and chilled to some of my fave music and watched a lot of my fave movies lol. I only watched the last 30 seconds of the ball drop countdown (i don’t care to watch any of the events leading up to it). I was actually in more of a pleasant mood than I was on Thanksgiving on Christmas, which I also spent alone. I made my list of affirmations for the year and just thanked God for a new year!

Not much has gone on in my life as of yet, nothing super exciting anyway. I brought in the year single and that’s what I wanted. At the moment I don’t want to be bothered, but eventually I may get out there and date again. As for Anthony (the ex-situationship lol) I have had somewhat of an update. Yesterday I was sitting in the breakroom on my lunch when the guy I was talking to (Chris) before he stopped talking, came in on his lunch. I was sitting in the cushioned chair that he usually sits in, so he sat in the chair next to me. We’re on decent terms, just chilling at work as if nothing happened with general chit chat. So we’re talking about random work related stuff and workplace gossip lol, when Anthony comes walking in to clock out for the day. I’m still not really sure he knew Chris and I talked briefly, but when he walked in he saw me and he saw Chris and instantly looked sad (he was wearing a mask, but i could still tell). Chris and another coworker were discussing what was up with him, Chris played it off and mentioned he was probably just ready to go or something like that. So I don’t think Chris discussed it with anyone, but yeah. Anyway he  responded to something Chris asked before heading out. It felt mildly awkward but I ignored it. Anthony avoids me like the plague, so I very rarely see him. He’s found a way to get around seeing me if I am there before he’s off work when he goes to clock out lol.

So anyway, after Anthony was out I quietly asked Chris if Anthony still bugs him. He replied that sometimes he’ll try to bring it up and said to Chris he wonders if i still have him blocked. Chris told him he didn’t know but doesn’t indulge in the convo much more after that. I feel bad for Anthony, I do, but it’s because of this i have to keep him out of my life and blocked from contacting me. I just wish he’d leave Chris alone about it. He never mentioned me to Chris until after I blocked him. I know his feelings were hurt, but why be secretive for 2 years then all of a sudden be open with the one person i was trying to talk to. It’s crazy. Anyway he told Chris we dated for 2 years (I corrected him and said almost, was a few months shy of it) and that the last thing I asked him was where this was going and then “all of a sudden she broke it off” ALL OF A SUDDEN?????” That is crazy for him to say, considering he had ALL the signs months before i made my decision. I told Chris that he had signs he chose to ignore, and he noticed my body language and said nothing. Chris was like “he didn’t ask what’s up” I said no he didn’t and when I asked him why he didn’t say anything to me when he noticed my behavior and he said he was just hoping for the best. That was a big issue, the lack of communication, among other things. So he shot himself in the foot by not doing so. He apparently likes to play the victim. So I set the record strait on that sob story Anthony is trying to feed him. I just want to be left alone, and to protect my own peace, i had to block him. 

It must have been on Chris’s mind, about when we used to talk, because he brought it up. We actually had a very mature conversation about that. I did have to clear the air about what I was thinking during all of it and he was open about how he felt but wasn’t really looking for anything serious. I never said I was, but i guess he assumed after the Anthony situation. Maybe he thought I left Anthony for him, maybe me telling him what I liked about him made him think otherwise. I realize it was fear and he openly told me he got a bit scared to hurt me because he didn’t exactly know what he wanted to do and still mentioned he may move when his son graduates and all, and isn’t sure he’d be a good bf. Well that’s cool tho, it’s better he stopped it before anything went further. I don’t think he’s a bad guy because if he was, he would have kept going just to play and he just doesn’t give off that vibe. He acknowledged his part in the flirting and all that. I just told him it was ok and that i understand the fears and all that. I’m not even trying to worry about it anymore. He’d be open to hanging if I asked, but I won’t. I guess he felt bad because as i was clocking out, he was heading out the breakroom too and gave me a side hug. Something he hadn’t done since we stopped talking. I will never chase someone, or beg them to want me, regardless of if i have any feelings. I still like him in general, but not as strongly as before. I would have liked to have seen where it may have gone, because i really liked him, but it’s for the best that it ended the way it did. I would have gotten hurt otherwise and I’m done with heartbreak. I’ll stay single unless the right one finds me. Otherwise, I am done.