Good morning

I’m up this early on purpose. Although I do have a lot on my mind, that’s not why I’m up. I’m trying to get an early start on my classwork so I can try to catch back up and get back in the swing of things. That storm really messed up my routine as well as pushed us back a month, now we are trying to cram all the work that’s left into what’s left of the semester. December 14th is the end of fall semester. I’ve been doing as best I can to catch up, and sometimes S gets home so early from work I don’t have the quiet time I thought I’d have, so I get up earlier or do the work when he’s sleep. Much easier to concentrate when I don’ t have folks talking in my ear about whatever. I have a new class that starts tomorrow so I will have to figure how to fit that into my life lol. Thankfully it’s only the remaining 8 weeks of school left, and it’s art appreciation. I picked a random and seemingly easy class. I’ve been told it’s easy and somewhat fun. We’ll see, lol.  I hope so lol, because it was one of a few choices where it didn’t require me to be there physically, and could totally be online. I’ve heard it’s a fairly easy class, I hope they are right lol. 

I wrote last night, but I just made it private. I vented about my life, and I want to post one that’s a full entry. I’m just so upset with things going on in my life and I’m hurting and confused. I thought moving here was a good idea, but it’s turned out to be a constant depression, made worse by the fact that I’m literally stuck in the situation I put myself in. My intentions were good, and my efforts are genuine, but I still got the short end of the stick. I find myself jealous of friends who I’ve either known a long time, or within a short few years, get married, have babies, and actually do things and spend time with their SO. For a while I had that (minus the baby part lol), but then it just slowed to a crawl. Money may be part of the issue, but there are ways around it. Some would rather watch porn all day, or text other friends all day, than to make time for folks they say they love. Love is not a word you just say, it’s not a “habit” and you should only say it when you mean it. You have to know what the power behind those words is, and let your actions speak for you. When times are hard, you do not stomp all over their feelings, and act as though only yours are valid. I should be able to express my feelings, or what’s bothering me, without fear that they’ll get mad, or start raising their voice. I’d like to have a talk, without his voice getting raised, thus letting his son know we’re arguing because I know he can hear us through the walls. It happens every single time, because he gets agitated at what the topic is. Yet, after every single talk, I don’t feel any better, sometimes feeling worse. I feel I have to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself, just to keep the peace. All this, while it eats away at me. I just want to be happy, and one way or another I WILL make that happen. I’m content with being alone if I have to be. 

Work has been one hassle after another. I have tried 3 times to get full time hours, and each time I get a bullshit reason or someone else is always better “qualified” for the job. The first two times I tried, I at least got an interview (although they were bullshit) with a manager. This 3rd (and last) time, they didn’t even bother. Someone from another store who didn’t have  a place to go got the position. It sucks because I need hours badly, and have been stuck at part time for 3 years. The only difference between this job and my previous one, is the pay. I at least I had decent management at my last job though. They just didn’t offer what I needed. I thought this store I am at now was gonna offer better opportunities. What I got, was lies and unfair and bias practices. I’m not one to kiss ass, and I guess I have too much of an “attitude” to get anywhere. I see other folks getting things I’ve been trying to get, simply because they are friends with the shady management. I wish I could just walk away from there, but I need it and can’t seem to get full time anywhere, even another store in my same company. I am hoping to get in at this hospital. I hope to hear back soon and get an interview. After 4 tries, I got positive news from them, and turned in all the references they requested. It’s full time and it’s a cleaning job. I had an interview at a job fair for a new store, one new to this city/state I think, the other day, but I don’t think I want it. They offer about .50 less than what I make now, and it’s still part time. Apparently they already gave away all the full time shifts. So full time would be a future maybe. There’s no point in leaving where I am now, even if I hate where I am, for a maybe. And what’s with these places trying to say 32 hours and up is full-time? That is strait bullshit and they know it. 40 is full time, not 30 or 32. These companies are getting so cheap with the pay and hours they wanna give folks.