Can’t sleep

I’m always sleepy when I go to bed, but once I lay down I start to feel stressed. I hate my life. I want to go back to nc, but maybe live alone. I hate Indy and I need to be by myself to grieve. My mom does not understand this and keeps trying to baby me. She thinks I need company to cope. I’m bitter, hurt, aggravated and frustrated. I’m in love and hurting at the same time. I have so many thoughts running through my brain and feeling regret. I don’t know how I’m gonna cope with this sudden change. I cry every damn day. I wish I lived alone so I could cry out loud and uninterrupted. I need to scream and yell and not have someone ask if I’m ok every damn day. I’m not ok at all!!! I’m weak, not strong. Can’t seem to let him go or stop reaching out. I’m gonna be honest here and say I sometimes feel I may have made a mistake, and I wanna go back. We talked about it but I’m so torn and confused. He’s the reason I left and I’m not sure why he wants me to come back when he brought me back. I know it’s what I asked for, but I do wish we had talked first. I really hate my life and how stupid I can be. 😞😞