Bright, Sunny day!

I love bright sunshine, in a way it’s a mood lifter. I wish I could go out in it, but I have nowhere to go. I do have to take out the trash later, but ya know…I don’t feel like it at this point and time. I could sit out on the porch, but mom needs decent outside chairs. Life for me has been quite an adventure these past couple of weeks. I haven’t worked in almost a month, I’m basically forced to use my credit card for some things, but praying I find a good paying job here in the next few weeks. I need to start paying that off as well as saving up funds for what I have planned. One way or another I will get my own, I’m debating on apt vs extended stay. Yeah an extended stay will cost a bit more, but I have the freedom of living alone without being stuck on a lease. So I don’t know yet, but it’s at least an idea. I just can’t stay living here, I’ve gotten too used to living on my own to deal with constant bugging from people that don’t understand I need alone time. I get it sometimes, but sometimes I’d like a whole day to myself sometimes, ya know.

I am feeling considerably better than I had been for these past few weeks. I’m still sad, but I haven’t really cried since the other day. I have had plenty of time to think about things. We still did the good morning/good night texts every night, but it just wasn’t the same. Thing is, I wanted those texts messages from him, and what I got was sexting and nothing but. So to get the sweeter texts is nice, but it took us separating to do this. I hope this continues, I like it. I could get with sexting, if that wasn’t all I got. It seemed our relationship became more sex than anything. No intimacy or anything. We’d have bad days, we’d argue, but no matter how I was feeling, it was like sex was more important. I’m much more emotional than he is. He just doesn’t always show what he’s feeling, and then I find out what’s bothering him as he’s arguing with me. It got annoying and stressful. I began to shut down some because I was feeling that all that was us, was falling apart. This is why my sex drive was affected so, I became unhappy. I can’t do great performance without love. I dealt with his crap for a long ass time, and he would accuse me of not willing to change, but then neither was he. I have had plenty of reasons to complain. I had good reason to leave. I had good reason to assume this was the end. This all was very hard on me and made me sad and wanna cry. I just wanted to get away from the pain and stress coming from this relationship, on top of the issues I had at that annoying ass job.

Last night I was actually able to go to bed with a smile on my face, I hadn’t really done that since the last day I saw him. I’m not 100% sure why, but I was happy to get a goodnight text from him. When I woke this morning, I was still in a decent mood. I wasn’t gonna go say good morning, I was just gonna deal with the day. I set up my phone wifi to watch a movie on my tablet, when I received a long ass text from him. I could read the first bit of it, and it was enough to make me open the whole thing. He told me he had been thinking about all that I said to him when we talked the other day, and he went over reasons he was upset and felt I didn’t love him as much as I said I do. These are things he could have told me earlier, but I listened anyway. He went on about the root of our problems, why he felt alone, even our sex life. Him coming to me in this manner, vs griping in argument, I could actually take. If he came at me the right way in the first place, we could have worked this out before it became a problem. Before it blew up into what’s going on now. So it seems us separating was a good idea. He and I both agree that if things don’t change, there’d be no point in trying. Relationships take work, and work it has been. This was a very stressful relationship, but it made me realize some of the mistakes I’ve made on my end. So to reply to what he said, I apologized for my part in this mess and that I did not choose to do things that hurt, but sometime I did things without thinking. Some of it was in reply to how he treated me. So in all honesty, he can’t place all the blame on my actions. He’s accountable too. Anyway I told him everything I thought about our sex life, the finance situation and what we could do, and how to handle school and working. I asked about if this was the end of things as well.

He told me that this was never a final break up! This explains why he kept saying I’d be back, when I was leaving. I had no intentions of going back, so I was confused. I thought this was over once I set foot here. I guess he let me go cause he felt we needed this break, it seems to have helped some. It gave us both a chance to think about what happened. He said this was a way for us to set priorities, find out what’s really important, and get on the same page about things. He said he’d give anything to have me back there, but some things have got to change. I see now that we were definitely on two diff pages with some things. He did say he loves me. He also asked what I needed from him. In the past, when I’ve told him this, it was followed up by “well you told me all that you want from me, but what are YOU willing to change” it annoyed the hell out of me. Now that he knows what I am willing to do/change to help things, he can’t say that. So I just told him I want more time together, more intimacy (not just for sex), and for more talks like these. I told him while we may have arguments, we can still talk once we calm down. The whole point of the talk, is to stay on the same page so that things run a bit more smoothly in this relationship. So according to what he’s said, he doesn’t see this as over just yet. We shall see I guess. He hasn’t replied since my last text, but I won’t bug about it. I’ll just do what I need to, to get back on my feet here. I hope and pray to find a job soon so that I can replenish my money supply, pay off some bills before they are late, and save money like my life depended on it lol. Yeah, so we’ll see where this talk leads. I’m glad we had it though, and the only thing to do now is wait and see.