An “I’m sorry” letter

that’s what I think of writing daily. Used to be a time my heart was full of joy, hope, happiness. The more I age, the more I get of the opposite. Things are not what I thought they would be and it’s taking a toll on me. I’ve become less hopeful and in some ways more bitter. I don’t like who I have become. I thought when I moved here, I’d have a life full of love, as unconditional as humanly possible anyway.

I thought I’d be happy, and once we got settled, we’d set off to do the things we talked about before i got here. Well after a year, things just went south and barely rises above water, before they fall again. I have a job I hate, always broke, and got blamed for the financial status of the whole household after 2+ years. I can’t find work, I can’t stay where I’m at, yet I have no choice. I’ve tried praying, and perhaps if I spent more time with God, I’d get better results? I am tired of feeling like my happiness is based on how much money my so can siphon out of me. He stresses so much about money, he forgot how to love also. Instead of working together, I get pressured to try harder.

When times are hard, I get the try harder speech. I’m tired of sitting back and watching a 23 year old grown ass man (his son) mooch and make excuses as to why he can’t help out money wise. This is all while complaining about not enough food in the house.

so this “I’m sorry” letter has been weighing on my mind heavily. I don’t feel as loved, or appreciate so as I once was. I feel my affections come when he wants sex OR, when the money situation is good. I am trying to think of how to word this letter, but I have thoughts of saying I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you, I’m sorry you had to lie to me, I’m sorry you had to keep things from me, even tho I find out about them anyway. I’m sorry that I am a disappointment to you.  I’m sorry I wasted your time.

Those are some thoughts. I think I’ll type them in Microsoft word so I can think more clearly about what I’m going to say. I wish I had known I’d be so miserable, or I would have stayed where I was. My SO can love his son unconditionally but not me. I have to be perfect and I can’t have a bad day. We were happy at first. We were going to get married. We looked at rings. We’ve had a few fun moments in this life. Then it just got stagnant. I have high doubts that we’ll ever get married, and maybe that’s for the best. There will be a lot of disappointed folks, I’m sure, but I can’t live the rest of my life feeling this way. I just wish I could pick up and go when I want. But alas, being that I’m broke as shit, saving will be a struggle. Unless things finally start looking up, I can’t see things staying together forever. If this does indeed end, I will just remain single forever. I’m just so mentally tired. I’ll finish school, but mentally i’ll be pushing my way through it. I need to do that for me, even if I was pressured to do it by my SO. It’ll benefit me, no matter how things turn out for me personally. So I’m gonna be thinking about my letter. And praying.

And btw, if you have anything negative o say about my entry, keep it to yourself. I’m just venting.