A day off

I thank God for them. I’m not giving up my days off, unless I have to, so I can have hours. Work drives me crazy, and I’m tired of being used. I really hope this one job opp works out, or at least one falls in my direction soon. I wanna quit so damn bad. I’m tired of working my ass off, and being tired, and STILL broke. I’m tired of a lot of things, but I’ll get to that in a minute. My last paycheck (which was a couple days early deposited, cause today is a holiday) is already down to 80+ bucks. I had to pay my cell bill, and paid something else too, so money is funny. I’m trying to hold out what I have, so we can finally go see Black Panther. My friends and family that have seen it loved it, said it was good, and all that. I’m sure it is, and I can’t wait to see it. I was hoping my refund would be here by now, would have already seen the movie. I won’t be dressing up tho, I admire those who did/do/are planning to, but that’s not something I see myself doing. I’m very proud of being black, but I just can’t get into the hype of dressing up to see this movie. I am very glad that we have a positive image movie, involving black men/women, but I wanna see it cause it looks like it’s gonna be great, and to see how it ties into the Avengers movies. There are so many good movies coming out this year, and I wanna see em all. I still wanna see 50 shades, and may end up seeing it alone. That’s cool with me. I don’t have friends here, and I’m not sure I’ll have friends here. The older I get, the less I like people and can tolerate their stupidity. And BOY does it run rampant here lol.

There are so many things I wanna do, and rarely have the money to do it. This is one reason I’d like to find a better job, so it’s easier to save and do extra. I’m tired of doing nothing. I come home, watch TV, have sex….same thing every day. I love my alone time, I love being home, but I also love getting out and exploring the city, or other cities in this lovely state of NC. There’s plenty to do here, but a lot of it costs money. I have tried to talk to S about setting money to the side, but we never get around to doing it. I can’t do it alone, so I don’t even bother trying. I’m just tired of doing NOTHING. I did MORE when I was alone, than I do now. Yes I made more money when I lived alone, BUT I was able to set money to the side AND do things, instead of just waiting to have the money. That’s S’s problem. When he has a huge chunk of change, he acts rich, then gets upset when money’s gone and we’re back to being tight again. There are habits he has (that cost money) that he could totally cut out, and he could stop spending money on shit that’s gonna end up in the trash. We do get to go out here and there, when money is present, but I’m tired of waiting til we have the money to do shit. I am gonna have to talk to him once more, about setting some kind of budget. I don’t want to spend my entire refund on bills, or bullshit. I wanna at least take a trip somewhere. I’d like to save up to do things, not just wait til the money is there all at once, ya know. I’m gonna talk to him about all this. I don’t wanna wait til refund season, to enjoy life every year. I don’t wanna stay home, in bed, watching tv, having sex whenever HE wants it, and then sleeping and going to work the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sex, but the frequency of it, could take a step back or two. I don’t have a high libido like he does, but he is selfish and only cares if he gets off or is satisfied. Funny thing is, he used to be generous in that area. Hmm..I guess some men get too comfy in a relationship. I would like for him to do more, but he’s content in the boring life. I can be bored alone, shit! 

When I get my refund, I plan to get a computer, buy some new shoes, but more importantly, get the fuck out of Wilmington and do some exploring. If I have to, I will request days off, so we can plan at least a trip to Raleigh or Myrtle Beach or something…we did NOTHING last year. I did ONE concert in Raleigh, and then went back for a boring JW convention. I went so I wouldn’t have to stay home alone, plus I was curious about the convention. My BF’s family is JW’s, which is fine. No problems with that, but personally I couldn’t get into that. I’ve grown up in baptist church’s all my life, and they seem a bit more live than JW’s, but I respect them enough to try not to judge their beliefs. Not once have they every pushed themselves on me, tried to get me to convert, and most of the things people stereotype them for, aren’t even true. 

My relationship….for the most part is good, but to say I’m 100% happy with things, would be a stretch. I’d like more honesty from him, like why lie? I don’t get why men lie, about stupid stuff. Why do they tell lies that make no sense, and get mad if you don’t believe them. There are things I think about (that i won’t share here) that bother me. I sometimes wish I had stayed in Indy, but then I dunno. I love the man, I do, but he’s driving me crazy. I know he loves me, but he needs to work on his actions….big time. He’d leave me, if I treated him the way he does me sometimes. When funds are low, it’s my fault. He can’t handle stress, or being broke (tho he says he’s used to it) and I get blamed if we can’t afford this or that. It’s not MY fault he couldn’t afford a ring, he had the money…Lord knows where that went. It’s not MY fault we didn’t go on trips last year, I couldn’t find a good job, but more importantly WE DIDN’T SAVE SHIT! I could set some money to the side for emergencies, or fun, and we’ve talked about doing it plenty of times, but I can’t do it alone. Aside from the things money can buy, I’d like some non monetary related things. I’d like more cuddle time, or more talking about everything (not just work at sex), making sure to keep the romance in our relationship, and all that. Yes money can cause issues in a relationship, but so can lack of affection and/or romance. He isn’t much of a talker, but if we are to work…he’s gonna have to do it more often. If I could ease my fears, I’d be better. I keep a lot to myself, mostly cause I feel he won’t understand, or he’ll get mad, or whatever. He confuses me somethings…..and they say we women are complicated. Yes I want to marry him, but we got to work on some of the kinks….I  want affection more often than anything, or flowers for not reason, or just a weekend getaway, just enjoying life together. Not just waiting for it to happen, and blaming the other cause it hasn’t happened yet. It takes TWO to make it work…and if I can get him to help set aside money, we can do a lot of things, and not be broke after. 

So yeah….well I am gonna enjoy this day off. Gonna enjoy have the little time to myself I have before he gets off work, and see how we can get this discussion going once he gets home. No TV, just talking. We need to do a lot more talking than we do, communication is definitely the key!!!