father issues

I wonder why my dad treats me the way he does. Does it give him satisfaction to always pick a fight with me all the time? Or rather complaining about everything I do? Or maybe buds into conversations that didn’t even involve him in the first place? No, might be him telling me to shut up and calling me names 24/7. I just wish he would put in effort to fix our relationship. I’ve done my part, now he needs to do his.

Mom doesn’t want to talk to him about it because he doesn’t listen anyways, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t try. I’ve already talked to dad about all of this and it just turns into a fight. Perhaps there is no fixing this? But why? Are some things like this really just not fixable? I don’t know, maybe I’m being dramatic.

He throws a fit and acts like an attention seeker when I do something wrong or if I’m too mean. He says “You don’t love me.” or “Why are you pushing me away?” or even, “I don’t understand why you act like this.” First of all, I do love you, its just hard to show it when you act like a child all the time. Second of all, maybe if you weren’t so mean and aggressive and a raging alcoholic since I’ve been born, I wouldn’t be pushing you away. Third of all, I have every reason to act like the way I do.

Almost every time we fight, he tells me “Just get out.” and I think that hurts the worst. You don’t want me here? Fine, I’ll leave then. But then you show me love and affection and apologize a million times. Well guess what, apologizing without change is manipulation. He knows that he’s hurting me when he says and does these things, how could he not know. I’ve told him before that he’s hurting me anyways.

I’ve tried to do things with him, I even finally asked him to teach me to grill. He doesn’t want to do what I want to do, and I think that’s part of our issue. He thinks the world goes around him, and if his rules or way of doing is incorrect, he loses it and yells at me. He thinks the world will end if things aren’t the exact same as him. I always give the things that he likes a try, so why cant he do the same for me? I used to always ask but he would always say no so I gave up on asking for anything. He thinks its so wrong to be somebody else, to have their own personality. He disagrees and judges almost everything I do. I’m really tired of our relationship at this point, its so draining.

I’m always on the verge of crying when I’m around him. I’m always so afraid to mess up or do something wrong. I’m a very sensitive emotional person, and words get to me a lot easier than they should. Even when he’s “joking” because why would you joke about that? Some of the jokes he makes about me is sort of gross, like he’s sexualizing me. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to, but I’m positive he’s not that dumb. Sometimes he’ll even try to touch my arm or back or feet and try to rub them, but I push him away. I’m autistic, and I hate being touched, but he never respects my boundaries.

Some people tell me to get over it and to realize that he’s picking on me for fun, but I don’t like it. I don’t want to get used to it. Not when its hurting me and affecting the way I do literally anything. I want to be myself around my dad like I used to, but that just isn’t possible for us anymore I fear. I’ll keep hoping and dreaming for better days between us.