from being alone to being lonely

throughout my adolescent and young adult life i’ve enjoyed being alone. i never minded being cooped up in my small room doing whatever kept me occupied. my thoughts ran free and i couldn’t understand how people couldn’t just sit at home and enjoy their solitude. but for these past few years, i’m starting to come to terms with being lonely.

a lot of “friends” i had were passerbys. just people i talked to in order to keep the school day going, people that didn’t really care about me. i had nothing but acquaintances by the end of it all (with a lot of close friendships cut off). i didn’t seem to care nor mind. i’m left with a few friends who talk to me now and then, but i haven’t kept in contact or made a real consistent friend in college.

it’s not just the envy when you see people on social media going out and doing things with people. it’s the slowly burning desire to be in someone’s company. i always imagine being with someone i find close and talking with them, eating with them. it never gets bored around them. it’s a desire.

i have friends online but that doesn’t skim the surface. it’s been years since i’ve genuinely hugged someone, laughed with someone. communicated with someone. gradually i’m beginning to yearn it.

it helps none that i don’t go out of my way to make plans. (with who, anyway? most people don’t hang out with me because they themselves do.)

but i resent the way nobody in my family encourages me to be less of a sheltered human being. all they do is worry about the outside world.