The Difference Is i

Dear Diary,
Sent this message to council members…
 
"Bitter or Better…the difference is i….I know this. And yet I struggle!  Most of the time I keep my bitterness at bay, telling myself all things will work out in time. I’ve seen karma at work before and believe it will come again.  What brought this on and why are you hearing from me today????
 
Received the church newsletter this morning. The note from a member brought good news about her cancer (lack there of) and I rejoice in that. Her thanks to the pastor and his wife just absolutely floors me!  I heard/read the same from another member in a similar situation.   I just don’t understand.
 
For over a year we have been witness to the decline of auntie’s  mental health due to vascular dementia and other health challenges that comes with age. During the early months of 2010 when we first began this "journey" with auntie, the pastor was no where to be found. He didn’t return my emails, made no visits, and to my knowledge only called once prior to her moving from her home. No visits to assisted living, no visits in the hospital (although he lied to me about visiting her).  Last year on Palm Sunday, another pastor brought communion to her at her home.  The following month when she was in the hospital, I finally called for a chaplain late Sunday afternoon when it was apparent she wouldn’t be getting a visit from her own pastor!  Then she was moved to a nursing home.

 

At the insistence of the church council and other families who have loved ones at the same nursing home, the pastor began a once a month communion service. It is no big deal to bring her communion at this time since I bring her to church on a regular basis.  Forget communion on that monthly visit…how about just praying with her? 

 

I’m bitter about the way he treated auntie and quite frankly I’m bitter at how he treats me.  Never once has he inquired how I am doing. He knows I have medical power of attorney for her.  He seemed surprised when I asked to be removed from his daily emails back in May 2010. The ones that were suppose to be thought provoking with a spiritual/uplifting message. My explanation must have left him speechless for that is when I told him about his lie and he’s never acknowledged it. No apology. No nothing. It’s now too little too late.

 

I really thought that when I left the job with the church 4 years ago, it was a matter of "leave the job or leave the church". It had come to a point where I could no longer work in that office under those conditions.  Very few people know what I went through, especially the last 3 years when I was the church secretary – without compensation – in addition to the job I was hired for.  When I  spoke up at a congregational meeting regarding compensation for people who we expect to do a job on a regular basis (it’s no longer a volunteer position), I spoke from my heart and meant every word. I left before the meeting was over. The pastor followed me to my car and wanted to talk with me. It was too little too late.

 

Very few people know what I went through with the pastor’s wife during the time I worked in the office.  I’ll never forget her stating that she was "His Name’s" wife – not the pastor’s wife – very early in his ministry…perhaps even as early as the interview process. That should have been a sign. In my opinion, for me, at this time, her actions have negated anything he may have brought to our congregation.

 

I find myself struggling with this bitterness. Right now I don’t know how "i" make it better.  I don’t know who or what will make the difference. It’s too much for me to wrap my head around.  Once again, I am having to face some life challenges without a pastor. <span style="color: b

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And I wonder why I stay?  I admit I look forward to the choir’s summer break because it will be easier to miss church if the choir isn’t singing.  

 

I am only sharing with you this morning.  I don’t need or want anything from this.  I’m just tired of feeling bitter."

 

Bitter or Better….

…the difference is i….

 

~Susie