[x] Quite depressing survey

 If you’ve ever contemplated suicide, when was the first time?
Seriously, when I was 15. But I definitely thought about it years before then.
 
Have you given consideration as to how you would do it? 
Yes, in the past. I haven’t felt that way in many years, and I’m so thankful for that.
 
What has stopped you from going through with your plans? 
Well, I guess I did follow through with a plan, but it didn’t work, so. Aside from that one time, music and books really helped, and I always wanted to grow up and move on with my life as I thought things had to get better. Most importantly though, I’ve always had the most amazing friends and I credit them for the way I am today.
 
How often do you feel depressed? 
I wouldn’t say I ever feel depressed, as I’m not clinically depressed now. I have times where I feel exhausted and sick of certain things, but I’m able to get out of that mindset.
 
When was the last time you felt completely hopeless? 
It has been a very challenging year, there was a weekend in early June where I felt absolutely terrible, to the point where it really shook me up. However, I got out of it, and it was a completely normal reaction to shitty life events. It makes me happy when I can now feel crap and realise that it’s okay, I’ll get through it, I’m not going to spiral into some terrible mental place.
 
What would you say is your worst character flaw? 
I’m really not sure. I’m pretty honest and direct/blunt, possibly when I shouldn’t be. People irritate me, and I don’t hide it. I have ridiculously high expectations of myself and I’m very self critical. I procrastinate. I over indulge. Etc.
 
What is one illegal activity you’ve done/do? 
I don’t know, various drugs in the past I guess.
 
Have you ever been physically abused? 
Yeah.
 
Have you even been mentally/emotionally abused? 
Yeah.
 
What goes through your mind as someone’s breaking up with you? 
I haven’t properly been broken up with. My ex would play these pathetic games where he’d ‘break up’ with me for like 12 hours then get back together. My mindset would be something like, “Not this again, I’m so exhausted, why does he behave like this?” mainly because being with him was mental torture.
 
Why did your last relationship fail? 
Mental torture basically, ha. I could write an essay on it, but basically he did not treat me right at all and it was a very unhealthy relationship.
 
How many friends have you lost in the course of your life? 
No idea.
 
Have you ever purposely injured yourself? 
Yes.
 
When was the last time you were rejected by someone you really liked?
I’ve never really been rejected, BUT it’s so rare I find someone I really like in the first place. In 24 years, I’ve only really had strong romantic feelings for 1 person. It’s probably quite odd, but I guess it’s the type of person I am… I don’t flit from person to person claiming I have any feelings of love or attachment to them.
 
When was the last time you were completely humiliated? 
No idea.
 
What is the worst experience you’ve had with a guy/girl? 
The relationship I’ve already mentioned (which also had some of the best experiences). Certain things he did, they will always sicken me.
 
What do you do to escape daily life? 
Not much lately, ugh… music/internet! Generally, I like to travel and visit places/friends, have new experiences.
 
What is the worst thing that someone has called you? 
Whatever.
 
Has anyone ever started an embarrassing rumor regarding you?
Sure.
 
Do you listen to music to temporarily shut life out? 
Sure.
 
Do you ever use lyrics to describe how you are feeling? 
I’m sure I did when I was younger.
 
What upsetting thoughts are currently on your mind? 
None.
 
Have you lost anyone close to you lately? 
No.
 
Do you ever feel that you are out of control? 
Not really.
 
Is there a secret you want to tell someone, but feel you cannot? 
No.
 
How do you deal with feelings of sadness and depression? 
Sadness… it depends why I’m sad. I let myself be sad for a while, then try to do something nice to distract myself, and move on from it.
 
Have you ever been viciously cyber-bullied? 
Not that I recall.
 
Are you just barely surviving high school life? 
Oh God, I’m doing a survey meant for those still in school. Oh well. Evidently I did survive high school. And 2 different universities.
 
What is the worst thing about coming home? 
Nothing?
 
When was the last time you considered giving up? 
In what sense? I never give up…
 
Do you find that others stereotype you? 
Sure.
 
Have you ever been called insulting names to your face? What were they?
Yeah , I don’t care to remember, it’s not important.
 
Do you take good care of yourself? 
I take quite good care of myself mentally… I’m quite in tune with how I feel, and know what I need in that respect. Physically, though, I could definitely eat better and exercise more.
 
Have you ever tried drugs in an attempt to drown unhappy thoughts? 
Yes.
 
When was the last time you were happy with yourself? 
I’m fairly happy now, but the last time I was really happy with myself was last year.
 
Do you feel like you don’t get enough attention? 
No.
 
What writing content would one find in your journal? 
Surveys are the closest thing I have to a journal!
 
What is one thing you wish others could understand about you? 
I don’t know. I think I make things look effortless (so I’ve been told) and like things come naturally/easy to me/ I’ve had really ‘good luck’ etc etc… but I’ve worked SO SO hard to achieve every little thing in my life, you wouldn’t even believe it. So much effort has gone in to make me how I am/where I am now, and I guess people assume sometimes that it’s been handed to me, and that assumption creates an instant barrier. 
 
What is one memory you wish you could permanently erase? 
I see no point in thinking like that.
 
Is there someone who has left your life, that you wish would come back?
Juliet, obviously. She just faded out. I always hope she’ll just come back in one day.
 
Are you the type to wonder if love really does exist? 
No as love obviously does exist.
 
Do you feel that your life is meaningless? 
No.
 
Does anyone look down on you for your personal choices? 
Probably.
 
If you don’t fit in, why do you think that might be? 
I’m too old for this survey.
 
Have you ever felt that you’re just not good enough?
Of course.
 
Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 
Yeah, it’s not bad at least.
 
Do others misunderstand you and your intentions? 
Sure.
 
Have you ever gone behind someone’s back or betrayed someone’s trust?
Yes.
 
How do you feel after a bad argument? 
I haven’t had a bad argument in ages, but it’s obviously not a good feeling,
 
Is the internet an outlet for your angst? 
I don’t really have ‘angst’!
 
Is there anyone out there that makes you feel appreciated? 
Of course.
 
Has a bf/gf ever cheated on you? How did you feel? 
No.
 
Do you drink alcohol in excess? 
Occasionally.
 
Have you ever passed out from too many drugs/too much drinking? 
Yes.
 
Have you ever wanted to get help for any of your issues? 
Sure… not anymore… I mean, I’m paid to help people with their issues now, so I’d hope that I’m over my own!!
 
Do you think you’ve ever hit rock bottom? 
Yes.
 
Do you have a hard time receiving compliments from others? 
I guess sometimes.
 
When you’re alone, what do you do/think about? 
It depends.
 
How many times have you cried in the past month? 
Pretty sure I almost cried once.
 
Describe a traumatic life event? 
I remembered a lot of repressed childhood abuse when I was 17/18, I was just getting over the flashbacks and general horror, when I had my drink spiked one night and was assaulted by more than one person.. all night. Cue a double dose of PTSD which lasted years, and a fairly abusive relationship on top of that. Not fun.
 
What would change if someone knew your deepest secret? 
I don’t know what that is. I guess most people don’t know the above, but I don’t consider it a secret. I’d tell if people asked, or it was relevant. I would imagine not much would change.
 
When was the last time you were lied to? About what? 
Not sure.
 
Are you the black sheep of your family? 
No – I’m the one everyone is so ‘proud’ of – I don’t really know why, as I’m sure I’ve come across as contrary and unlikeable over the years.
 
Is there something you want to stop doing, but don’t know how?
Not really, I mean, I know how…
 
What is your most destructive habit? 
Eating too much food?