LB: The day my marriage ended

I am going to start any historical posts with  LB which stands for looking back – to differentiate them from current posts to save any confusion.

So! I will start at the beginning. The lead up to the day my husband told me our marriage was over.

December 2012

Over Christmas things were a bit stressful. His sister was having loads of problems and his mum was leaning on us a lot (she always has done). He was having some issues at work too and of course our home life was still a massive juggling act. I noticed he was a bit more snappy with me than usual.

On boxing day we went to visit his sister and the atmosphere in her house was horrendous. She was in tears the whole day because of problems with her partner. Her partner did not say 2 words to us. The whole day was awful. My husband and I ended up having a small row but resolved it. I went to work on 27th Dec but I felt like crap – very drained and just uneasy. On my break I rang him just cos I thought he would cheer me up. He was very curt with me. Said he had just had his mum on the phone for a hour and he needed to clean up. I left the call feeling unsupported. When I got home I didn’t know how he would be as we had left the call on a sour note. I decided to just get something to eat out of the fridge and then gauge the situation. He said he was taking a table back to his mums and would be 5 mins and we talked fine. He was gone for 3 hours. I was angry but decided not to cause an argument. When he got home I simply said “you were a long time” He said he lost track of time. I said “I am not angry or anything like that but I will say I don’t believe you can lose track of time for 3 hours when you said you would be 5 minutes – it would have been nice for you to let me know what was happening – I wouldn’t have had a problem with you staying out” He apologised. We were talking and I can’t remember but I said something like “what are we doing tomorrow?” and he said “dying would be good don’t you think?” He decided to sleep on the sofa and I didn’t know why. I convinced him not to and we had kisses and cuddles and I thought things were a bit better – he told me he loved me.

I went to work on 28th Dec (he had some hols over Christmas). I felt very uneasy again at work. I text him saying “Hi, hope you are feeling ok today, love you”. He replied with “No I am not!” I felt incredibly uneasy about that. I replied saying “why? what’s the matter? should I come home?” I got no reply. I was sitting at my desk feeling terrible and I could feel tears in my eyes. I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to go home. My kids were there you know. So I made an excuse to my boss and I caught the bus home. He said “what are you doing home?” I told him I was worried. He said he had smashed up his phone and smashed his head against the wall and that his mum had been on the phone again doing his head in. He said he didn’t see a way forward for us and didn’t know if we could continue. Of course I said we would talk about it and work it out. He started crying and said the only person who cared about him was our friend, Jonathan. I reached out to him but he wouldn’t let me touch him. I told him I loved him and would do whatever it took to make it right and make him feel happier. He said he just can’t cope anymore and didn’t know what to do.

For the next week we lived like that. He slept in the spare room. I tried to get him to talk but he wouldn’t. He just said he didn’t know whether we could continue. I was a mess. I did keep trying to talk to him about it – I tried to give him space but it was really hard. He had such pain and hurt in his eyes. On new years day we talked a little and he said he really thought we should split but he didn’t want to leave the home. I asked if he wanted me to leave (not that I would have) he said “no no I don’t want you to leave” I said I was confused then. He said maybe we could just live in the house as friends and I agreed (as I didn’t know what else to do). We did that for a few days and it was hard but we were actually getting on really well. My head and emotions were all over the place but all I had felt was compassion for him and a want to help him with whatever he was going through. On 4th Jan I came on my period and whether that was the cause or not I don’t know but I suddenly got angry. I was so upset and emotional I couldn’t stop crying and he was so emotionless and did not appear to care. He was doing some exercise and I decided to ring a friend who had recently been through a split as I wanted some practical advice. My husband overheard the call but I didn’t realise. I hadn’t said anything really bad on the call just that I felt like we should try to make the marriage work but he wouldn’t and that maybe I need to start thinking of myself and the kids. Well he was really angry – I could almost feel it coming off him. He said he was going to bed and I asked him why he was angry and he said “well why were you crying earlier?” I said “because you said we are splitting up and you don’t love me anymore” he said “I didn’t say that second bit” we ended up having a row with me asking him if he still loved me and him refusing to answer me. He eventually admitted that he did still love me but he can’t cope anymore. He went to his mums that night and that was the last time he ever lived in our house.

He was uncontactable for over a week (remember he smashed his phone). He didn’t even ring to speak to the kids.  After about 10 days he asked to have the children overnight at his mums house. I suggested he could stay at ours and I would stay at my mums for a night just to give him time with the kids and also as I was working and he was off and I thought it would be less unsettling for the kids to be in their home environment. We did this for two Tuesdays in a row. At this point he was paying the bills and saying he may move back in as friends. On around 17th Jan he told me he wasn’t coming back. He changed all the bills into my name and informed our landlord. At that time I said to him I was no longer going to stay at my mums when he was here. I said he was still welcome to stay over to look after the kids but I wasn’t leaving my home. He said “It is still the family home though” I said “no it isn’t because you left, it is now my home” He did not like it but reluctantly agreed. This was the very very beginning of my new life.