Gone but still here

oh god it’s been ages again since I wrote. I’m so bad at this. I will try to get into better habits of writing. Life is fine, pretty standard, just ticking along. The kids are off school for the summer which is great for me – one less thing to think about. Especially with Liam’s school anxiety- it takes the pressure off a bit. I am annoyed though because we are supposed to be getting this support woman for him, but they just keep messing us around. I sent an email chasing it last week but have not heard anything yet. Very frustrating. I need some guidance if what to do with him next year (as in September). My sister, who is a teacher, is visiting in a week’s time, so I will probably talk to her about it.

in other news, mum is a nightmare. She has Parkinson’s dementia and it’s just so hard to deal with. She’s like a toddler and I don’t mean that disrespectfully, it’s just the truth. She’s so incredibly anxious and needy all the time. Her newest thing is to call 999 late at night. This leads to an ambulance going to her house, but there is nothing wrong with her. Then one of us (me and my siblings ) gets called about it, in the middle of the night. She’s done it 3 times this week. It’s getting more regular. They called me at 2am Weds morning. They couldn’t get into her house. I gave them the code and they went in, and she was sound asleep in bed! It’s ridiculous. They checked her over and she was fine. I could hear her shouting “help help”, which is heartbreaking but pretty standard when she gets like that. My sister is waiting for someone to call her back about possibly getting a night carer for mum. So we shall see. But we can’t go on like this.  It’s really hard to deal with. My mum used to be my best friend. It’s devastating watching her lose her mind. It’s like she’s already gone…but yet she’s still here. It’s only going to get worse and I’m dreading it. Sometimes I think it would be better if she died. Then I feel guilty for thinking that. It’s a cruel disease and it makes me scared for my own old age. I guess I can’t think that way.