Writers Block

I don’t know why I am finding it so challenging to write. I sit and stare and the blank screen and usually end up just closing the window and moving on to creeping facebook. For some reason that never gets old. My life is so boring. I feel like I have nothing exciting, funny or otherwise to write about. I work, I sleep, I eat, I repeat. Oh ya, and do a little parenting here and there. 

Rob and I have been talking again about making some major lifestyle changes. I feel myself getting trapped in old thought patterns whenever I think about making change. I allow myself to fail before I even start something. I wish I could put into words the physical feeling I get when I start thinking about making these changes. I suppose the word would be overwhelmed, but that doesn’t really explain the physical reaction my body has to these thoughts. I realize that the reason I feel that way is because I feel like I need to make every change at once. For some reason a slow start, one thing at a time, seems like a total waste if I can’t get it all done at once. So, here I am trapped in my head again. Change isn’t easy. I know that. But I don’t think it should be as hard as I am making it out to be.  

First things first, we need to start eating healthier and incorporating healthier habits. We have been a lot better lately not eating out, but cooking at home instead. However, eating at home isn`t doing us any good based on the types of foods we are eating and the portions we are consuming. My problem is 2 fold. I skip breakfast and eat a minimal lunch (when I am working. On days off I eat all day out of boredom). By the time 6pm rolls around I feel like I could eat the ass of a horse I am so hungry. Once I start eating in the evening I don`t stop until I go to bed. I`ll eat anything too. Whatever I can get my hands on. Lately it`s been bread with mayo to "tide me over until dinner". And when dinner is finally ready it’s usually something filled with carbs. We’ve been eating on the cheap so it’s been a lot of pasta and rice with our protein and veggies. The 2nd problem (I’m sure there are actually more than 2 problems!) is that we, more often than not, eat dinner after PJ is in bed. He goes down at 8pm and we usually start cooking right after. Because of this it is almost 9pm when we are eating, and with the work schedule I’ve had lately, I’m going to bed immediately after eating. I wake up feeling like hell and it takes until 6pm for me to start feeling normal. Then I just start all over again. 

I am also a diet pop junkie. I hardly ever get a glass of water in me. Rob and I usually drink 2L a night (if not more). I’ve been hearing a lot lately about aspartame poisoning and the effects from it. One of them happens to be depression which I find very interesting. I’ve tried quitting the pop so many times, but I can’t stand the way I feel after a day without it. So, I just give in and drink it. I’ve mentioned to Rob a few times that we should cut out diet pop and see if it makes any difference in our weight and with my mood, but he wants no part of quitting pop. So because of that I feel unsupported and just continue on making bad choices. 

I’ve been overweight my whole life minus the few blips in time that I managed to lose a significant amount (it’s always come back plus some). Before I met Rob I was heavy, but not near like I am now. I was healthier. I drank water all the time. I ate my daily servings of fruit and veggies and I was considerably more active. I’m not sure how adding a loved one into my life allowed me to get where I am today. I don’t blame Rob – I did this to myself. BUT, I often wonder where I would be at health wise if I had not met and married him. Since meeting him, the only time weight loss has been successful for me is when he is on the bandwagon too. The numerous times I have tried on my own have failed quite quickly without having him do it with me.

I know that I am the only one in control of me. I am the only one who can make changes, I am the only one that can fail. Nevertheless, I feel like I cannot succeed without him walking the same path I am on. It’s really stupid of me to be so codependent when I used to be so independent. I want these changes so badly, yet I can’t get off the sidelines to make them on my own.

Ugh. It’s all so frustrating. I did this to myself. Yet, I want someone else to fix me for me.