The rest of the story…

I have so much to write about post delivery, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Perhaps I am trying to push that experience out of my head. I will get to it eventually, but after a really bad day yesterday, I’ve decided to write about more positive things and write the post delivery drama another day.

I made a HUGE decision the other day…for some this is not a big deal at all, but for me….big. I’ve decided to go back to Weight Watchers. I went to my first meeting yesterday. Looking back at yesterday, it might not have been the best situation to put myself in since I was feeling bad right from when I woke up, but I went, I saw the damage. I can’t believe I am going to write this, but my starting weight is…gulp….294 lbs. I’m HUGE…and that’s not just baby weight – I’m pretty sure I was close to this weight when we found out we were expecting. Thankfully I didn’t put on too much over those 9 months.

I arrived at the meeting yesterday and was called out of line to the new members table to sign up. First embarassment was being asked if I had ever been to WW before. Affirmative. More often than I’d care to admit. I got the paperwork done, weighed and sat looking over the books for week one. While doing this I felt these overwhelming and familiar feelings of failure. Great…I hadn’t even been there 10 minutes and I was already feeling like a failure. It’s a road I have travelled many times before. I almost left. But, I remembered the reasons that led back and realized that it just might be different this time. I have a little boy who needs me healthy. He doesn’t need a mommy with 1 foot in the grave, which, quite literally, that’s where I am. Our family history of heart disease is a scary one and I don’t want to be dead by 35. I’m lucky I made it to 33 without a heart attack. I’m also in a really different frame of mind than I have been in a long time. Granted yesterday was bad…it’s only one day out of many good ones. The good days way outnumber the bad ones for the first time in 10 years. I feel motivated…I want this…BAD. So, while I was waiting for the meeting to start I had a good little conversation with myself and kept repeating over and over to myself…"treat this like you have never tried before"’ That got me through the meeting, and over to Safeway to get a few healthy things.

But, by the time I got home again…I was totally overwhelmed with the fear of failing. Why bother even starting? I thought. I stomped my ass up to our bedroom without so much as a hello to my husband or my baby. I layed there and cried for about 5 minutes and thought.. what the hell am I doing. I’ve come so far with my emotional health…I can not let myself fall into old habits. And then a light bulb went off. If anyone would have asked me last year, before I started therapy, if I thought I could be this happy, I would have told them to suck rocks. BUT…with lots of hard work, changing habits and creating new healthier ones….here I am…happy. So, based on that, if I put in the work, changed the bad habits, I could be happy with my weight in 1 little year from now. After having that major breakthrough, I went back downstairs to talk to Rob about why I was scared. Once I was done spewing out all of my irrational thoughts, I felt 100 times better than I had all day. And again, it”s more proof that when something isn’t working you have to change it. Last year, I would have bottled up all of my feelings and cried over them over and over again. Instead, last night, I talked them all out and they’re gone today…instead of carrying them around with me. I’m so thankful that my life has turned around. Soon, my health with turn around too. After that, I’ll conquer finances – hahaha.

So, I have committed the following this week for WW:
 – Take each day as it comes, 1 at a time
 – Weigh, measure and write everything down that goes in my mouth. (I KNOW this is the key to success on this program – "guesstimating" hasn’t worked in the past for me)
 – Remember that this is a NEW experience and is NOT the same as times previous

Fingers crossed…I’m about to make another dream of mine come true!! I will be healthy for my little boy and fo course, fo myself!