So Much for NoMoJo

I was kind of excited to do NoMoJo….I was hopeful that joining would help me get back to writing again on a regular basis instead of just being a lurker. Instead my laziness and my procrastination was stronger than my want, my need to write and it’s already day 3. Ooops.

It’s week 4 of my 12 week sick leave. I haven’t done anything productive with my time. I sleep a good 12-14 hours a day – up around 12:45pm. Cereal, TV, shower at 3. Do dishes, get dinner ready and try to make it look like I’ve been up to something more than I have been by the time Rob gets home. It’s a lot easier to fall off the face of the earth and hibernate at home than it is to be productive, busy and stay in touch with friends. I’ve always taken the easy route…I need to stop.

Things are going okay now that I’m not at work. Obviously this pregnancy is knocking me on my ass based on the number of hours I sleep. I’m on the verge of puking almost each moment of every day. Some days I cross over the edge and barf my guts out only to end up back in bed for a few more hours in the afternoon. But, I’d take all of this over the bullshit that was going on at work that has led me to this place of not working. I didn’t know from minute to minute at work if my boss was going to be my best friend or scream at me in front of a whole crowd of colleagues. Each time I brought up the baby or being pregnant she changed the subject, unless she decided to bereate me for not being myself….she frowned when I told her that the trip to the emergency room at 6 weeks with a scare of miscarriage was just that, a scare, and everything ended up being okay. Her response, to go with the frown was "oh, I guess I’m supposed to be happy that you’re still pregnant". I had crazy chest pain and shortness of breath the last 2 weeks I was there. Crying fits like I haven’t experienced in over a year. My doctor and I decided that the stress was not worth it…nevermind my health, but the health of the baby. I should have been enjoying being pregnant instead of cursing it at every moment I was at work and not feeling like myself anymore. The stress of work was not worth undoing all of the good work I have done in therapy over the past year. So that’s why I’m here…on sick leave. I won’t be back to work before Mat Leave starts in February. I’m not gonna lie….it’s bliss. For all the boredom I might experience being off, the little bit of self loathing for being un-productive and "lazy"….is far better than all of the chaos and stress and physical symptoms of being at work. I am where I am meant to be right now….getting ready for baby.

I’m at 20 weeks and 1 day today…half way there until baby arrives. I’m excited and scared at the same time. But I do know that it will all work out as it is meant to be. Rob has been amazing since I’ve been off – so supportive and caring. Even my mom has been supportive of this, so I know that once baby arrives the support will already be in place that I need.

I do have lots of things to write about…and I will be back here more regularily.For now…I need to go put some lotion on…it’s so effin dry here I feel like my skin is cracking at every move I make. Very uncomfortable.