On Being a Parent

 2 entries in 1 day?! Whaaaa?

So my plans for a nice relaxing afternoon with a friend, some wine and the sunshine came to an abrupt end before it even started. I got in the shower about 10:30. I left Parker in his room watching a DVD like I have done a million times before. Only today he chose to shove some foreign object up his nose while I was in there. He came into the bathroom shortly after I started my shower saying something like "my nose, it’s stuck" which of course made no sense to me, so I just brushed it off and told him to go back to his DVD. An in all honesty I probably wasn’t very nice about it. He has been a challenge all morning. In fact about 2 seconds after I wrote the line in my last entry about him being outside he came to the screen door screaming that he needed to come inside, Once inside he tore through every activity imagineable staying with one for no longer than 2 and a half minutes. Irritating. Anyway, once I got out of the shower he came back into the bathroom with his finger up his nose saying "stuck, stuck". I realized then that he must have put something up his nose. Now, he has done this twice before and both times we were successful getting the objects out at home. This time however he wouldn’t even let me near him to look. Maybe it was the tweezers in my hand that scared him. So I realized that I would have to take him to Urgent Care. At this point I was only about 45 mins away from when I was supposed to drop him off at dayhome and go to my friends place. So, I called dayhome to let her know we would be late and sure enough, she didn’t even know he was coming today. I know I emailed her my schedule that included today – I even went back to check. She sounded really out of it and confused. So rather than just say we would be late I just told her not to worry about it and I would just keep him at home after Urgent Care. So, plans with friend for the afternoon, ruined. Fine. Whatever. Shit happens. We were at Urgent Care for just under an hour. The doctor wrapped PJ up as a baby burrito, I held down his feet and she got the object out with tweezers. I have no idea what it was. It was a perfect circle. Pink. Waxy looking. Nothing I can place from my house anyway. It must have been a piece of a toy or something. The Doctor gave Parker a popsicle and we were on our way. The thought of coming right home stressed me out (because Parker tore up the living room this morning and there are 4 days worth of dishes on the counter – I just didn’t want to deal with it). I knew I would have to go and get something for dinner at some point today, so I decided we would go to Wal Mart and pick up a few things. When we parked and I went to get Parker out of the back seat he started to throw a fit because he didn’t want to come in. I literally ran from passenger side to drivers side as he went the opposite way inside the truck trying to get away from me. I finally got a hold of him and got him out of the truck when he decided to have a full on tantrum in the parking lot. Normally, I try to talk to him, bribe him really, to get him to come into the store and  be a good boy. Not today. I had him strapped back into his car seat and was out of the parking lot before he even knew it. He was hysterical when he realized that I was taking him home instead of taking him into the store. He freaked the fuck out the whole way home, the whole time I parked and got him out of his seat and cried the all the way up to his bedroom where I told him it was nap time. He screamed and carried on for another 10 minutes but all is quiet now…he is napping. Fuck being a parent is hard work. I have never had anything make me so angry in my life as my child can make me. And nothing makes me feel more guilty than being mad at him. I feel like a piece of shit when I get mad and I yell. I feel like a piece of shit when I have to walk away from him before I smack him accross the face. What kind of mother wants to hit thier child?! This isn’t the first day that I have felt this way. It happens more and more often and it scares me. I know that he is at an age now where he will remember these things and the thought of him thinking back to days like this and him remembering me yelling or getting so mad makes me so sad. I don’t know how to get myself under control. I hate yelling and I hate the feeling of wanting to hit him. It’s heart wrenching. It seems like every set of days off I have I end up bawling my eyes out on the 2nd day because I can’t handle myself around my child. I’m beginning to hate my days off because I know that all of this is waiting for me on them. Things would be so much easier if I could have days off with Rob so we could share the parenting, but it’s just not going to happen for financial reasons. So , I need to find a way to deal with myself and with Parker. I love him to death but there are moments where I wonder if I should even be a parent. I don’t want to fuck him up and I don’t want him to look back when he is older and remember me being angry all the time. I didn’t grow up like this, so I’m not sure why I am like this. Days like today make me want to fall asleep and never wake up.