I am my own worst enemy

I watched Biggest Looser lastnight…while eating German Chocolate cake. I googled laser liposuction this morning…while eating a brownie. I feel so shitty about myself right now. Eat poorly, feel poorly, act poorly. Fuck. What is wrong with me?! The desire is there, the intent is there…the motivation, execution & follow through come & go and it’s so damn frustrating. I feel like a failure. I’m acting like a failure. I really need to get into the outpatient therapy sooner than later – this therapy for people on the waitlist is brutal. I don’t even know if the one on one stuff will work. I feel like a lost cause since I’m the only one that can help myself and I’m not doing so much of that lately. I don’t "feel like it".

I’m sitting at my desk bawling my eyes out again. It’s so exhasting to struggle with myself all the time. And there’s no rhyme or reason to why, when or where it happens. I hate it. I hate this. I hate me.

What I woudn’t give for someone to walk in my shoes for just one day so I can hear someone say…"I understand how you’re feeling". I feel really alone. I start to play this game…I don’t know why…but I get really short with Rob when I’m like this. I stop telling him that I love him. Why do I want to push the only person in my life away when part of the problem is feeling alone. Maybe because I’m mad that he doesn’t "get it" – that he keep pushing me to get past it, work through being tired, push, push, push….I just can’t.