Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

If the effing internet were any slower today I’d…well I don’t know what I’d do other than get more frustrated than I am right now. It’s silly really since, you know, I’m at work and all and I don’t use the internet too much for my actual work…just my sanity. I’m just trying to look at a damn Avon catalog and surf SparkPeople and it’s crawling like dial up…oh how I hated dial up!

Whatever.

So I strayed ever so slightly (in the grand scheme of things) off track in the past few days (ahem…weekend!). It was part lack of being prepared (Thursday/Friday last week) and just making really poor choices at Rob & Jayme’s shindig this weekend. I’m ashamed of myself and the gluttony from the weekend, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel – that’s been my downfall too many times to count. Thoughts of “I blew it this weekend, what’s the point now?!” are being pushed as far away from my mind as I can get them, because oh how easy it would be to fall right back where I was daily at the beginning of the month. There are so many reasons to want this and not enough to not want it (other than that being the easy road) that there is no other choice but to pick myself up, dust myself off and start right back where I left off. I reset my SparkStreaks today and made a little list to hang at work and at home to remind me of the commitments I’ve made for the next 2 weeks –they’re small, but for me, so meaningful to accomplish:

Daily

• Get 10 minutes of cardio exercise (Exercise for at least 70 minutes per week)
• Consume at least 8 cups of water per day
• Log in and spin the SparkPoints wheel
• Pack lunch
• Write in a journal

These things aren’t big. Even combined they’re not big award deserving tasks. So I don’t know why it makes me feel so overwhelmed. Likely because since I met Rob 3 years ago (other than a few failed attempts) I have done nothing but be unstructured in my life and feed (literally in most cases) every whim I had. No pre-planning. No tracking. No goals. And look where that got me. So still on the “start small” bandwagon, but at least I’m starting again after falling. That, for me, is HUGE.

I am feeling a lot more conscious lately. Of where I’ve come from and where I want to go. But mostly trying to stick to the now which I’ve never been so good at. But this moment is all that matters. And in the next moment that will matter then, not now. I have so much information and so many tools at my fingertips that there is no foreseeable reason that I should not succeed in creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. God knows it helps my mood more than a pound of fudge does! I just need to remember to breathe, take it slow – one step at a time and concentrate on the small goals that will be big victories!

Ok – enough about that…I’m back on track.

Now, the weekend. I feel like a total jerk and need to write an apology e-mail, but I totally bailed on a baby shower so that we could leave the city earlier on Saturday to make it out to Rob & Jayme’s. I didn’t really realize that they would be having more people over than just us, so I was in that weird introverted, I hate everyone, everyone hates me mood when we first got there. There was only 1 other person there by the time we arrived, but she was (later to realize) hammered at 5:30pm. Too talkative for my liking, so I was put off even more thinking towards other people coming over. A few others arrived, blender drinks were plenty and later in the night I loosened up and had a few good laughs BUT…the night almost went sideways. There was a girl there that I caught my husband checking out when she walked in. It was the first time since I met Rob (other than when his ex was trying to ruin our lives) that I was actually jealous of another woman. I’ve said it before and I will again – I’m very lucky to have found a man that like women on the bigger side, and this girl was by comparasin to the others there, but she had a body that I would kill for right now. Well proportioned, nice curves and still some meat on her…and seeing Rob look at someone else who wasn’t bigger than me really made me feel like a sack. He didn’t do anything wrong – I’m the one that’s always pointing out the hot black guys I see, so it wasn’t so much that he looked, but I guess it was more how I felt when I looked at her. Thankfully after a few more blender drinks I got out of my funk, but for about a half an hour it looked like it was going to be a messy night. A night like I haven’t had for a very long time and I’m so glad that I didn’t end up being “that girl”…the drunkie from 5:30pm ended up being &ld

quo;that girl” as she is on a regular basis apparently. So yay for another small victory and pulling my head out of my ass.

I went to bed about 2 hours before the party ended, but when raw bacon and pie started getting thrown in the blender I thought it was time to call it a night! I felt fine on Sunday morning – a few coffee’s with Bailey’s and a couple of afternoon beers before we headed back to the city. I did however develop a migrane on the drive home (1st one in over 4 years I think) and passed out at home at 6pm. What was supposed to be an hour long nap ended up being 3 hours and was back in bed by 10. The shenanigans (food & drink) seemed to catch up with me yesterday morning though…I felt like I’d been run over by a truck. My first inclination on my way to work (only an hour and a half late!) was to run through McD’s drive thru, but I made a CHOICE!!!! (even while feeling like death) – I came to work and had banana with ff yogurt and fresh berries. It was the first step back on track. So moving forward again…thank-God. (funny how my entry slid right back to the same place after I was changing the subject!)