Crazy-Making

 I’m so caught up in my head this week it’s redic. I’m taking small irrelevant things in my day and making them out to be huge…like there is some sort of conspiracy against me. Truth…I’m the only one conspiring against myself. I’ve convinced myself that there is something going on at work that will affect (effect??) me negatively. I’m letting my feelings get hurt over nothing. If I know all of this in my rational brain then how come I can barely hold back the tears? I feel like I am an inconvenience at work. I feel like they think they made a mistake asking me to come back. I feel no investment has been made in my career other than the training I have done completely on my own. My heart is screaming for some recognition…some kind of positive attention and I am getting nothing. Yet, SHE, is getting all of the attention. SHE is so far up our DM’s ass I can practically see her coming out of her mouth! All that this attention SHE is being given is just reinforcing her bad behaviour as the right way in HER mind. I feel like a whiny child. I probably sound like one too. This anxiety is killing me. It`s making me think and feel things that are not based in reality and no matter how much I recognize this I still can`t get it under control. Work is just one place where I am waiting for the bottom to fall out. I also feel that way about my home, my marriage, my relationship with my mother and my friendships.I`m not in a good place. I can fake it…to a point. Putting on this act is so tiring. All I want to do is fall apart and let someone else pick up the pieces. But, I can`t. I have too much invested and too much to loose if I let this take over. I have to email Rob`s mom today with our budget and rent proposal. It makes me sick just thinking about what she will think or say when she sees we can`t pay full rent AGAIN. I mean, I have a plan and she should just chill out, but I know that given our track record she`s not going to put much faith in our plan. It’s so important that we get our finances back on track, so I can stop living in fear of his parents. I dread checking our email incase she has sent one asking "what’s the excuse this time?". Excuse…that word gets to me. It makes it sound like the REASONS we are late and struggling financially are not valid. Using "excuse" makes it sound like she doesn’t trust or believe us. It has just been one thing after another. Just when we see a light at the end of our financial tunnel something else happens and we derail. This is all over the place. I think it shows a representation of where I am at right now. I’m all over the place myself. I think I’ll take a nap. Cuz that will make everything better. NOT. I just wake up and the tonne of bricks hits me again. I don’t know if this writing is helping me, or confusing me more. I think I’ll stop now and try something else later. Maybe I should try writing about something that is going right. That might be a very short entry…it feels like it is all wrong these days.