Another sick day…Cabin fever has set in

There is only so much Baby Story, Bringing Baby Home, Food Network, Till Debt Do Us Part that one person can watch in one week. It’s been a Till Debt Do Us Part marathon on Slice today – Rob would shoot me if he knew I was watching it. Despite the worry that this show sometimes causes me (when I see how debt can compund over the years or talk about no savings plan) the tips and lessons are so great. I need to chain him down to watch the next marathon so he can learn from it too.

So there was no hiding my mood when Rob picked me up from work yesterday. Despite being sick he was still able to see that I had been crying and as soon as he asked what was wrong the floodgates opened and I just cried and cried and cried. We had to stop at Shoppers on the way home, so I sat in the truck and waited and cried and cried and cried some more. Got home and went into our room, blankets over my head and cried some more. He came in to talk. At first I wasn’t sure how to get the words out but after assuring me that it didn’t matter if it came out in a logical order or not I started to talk.

What I first realized and said out loud was that the thought of me wanting to leave him wasn’t true. In fact, what I wanted to leave was myself. I want to leave all the jumble of thoughts in my head and run away from the hard stuff as I always do. I realized and spoke to the fact that I am catching myself pushing him away because that’s all I know. We talked about our vows – for better or for worse. He knew what he was getting into when he married me and my thoughts of being too much of a burden on him or a broken record when I’m spiralling in my depression does not drive him away, He is there to support me through thick and thin. I expressed my fears over being parents and how will we manage when I’m sick or he’s sick and there’s a child to look after. He reminded me of me tendancy to discount the positives and for me to say that I have no support sytem here is so far from the truth it’s almost funny. Jacqueling, Sandra, Tracy, Beth, Jen, Shawna – anyone – I can call on anyone for help when I need it. That’s the key is reaching out and asking for help – I’m not very good at that. I want to be a better wife and friend and I hoe to be able to work on these things in my therapy. Stop being so hard on myself – I am a loving, caring and giving person. I have a hard time remembering those facts. A very hard time.

My head is a little clearer today. The conversation was a flurry of tears and sobbing and talking and kleenex and farting (because that’s who I married). I have to be careful because today, I’m finding that I’m coming down hard on myself. There are so many strong amazing women out there that deal with health issues, financial difficulties, marital problems, family issues, on & on & on with such strength and I struggle with how weak I feel at those moments. But, that’s who I am…I can only work to improve upon myself. But as Rob said, he fell in love with me as I am and if that means I will be like this for the next 50 years then we’ll figure it out one day at a time…together.

I had a therapy session once where we did EMDR and that’s sort of how our conversation went last night – just frantic blurintg out of what I needed to get off my chest, things that have been bottled up due to my own fear of speaking out and after the conversation was done, though tired and spent, releived and like a weight had been lifed. I must tell my psycologist about that – maybe it’s something we can try again.

So the weekend is almost here. Rob spent an hour at urgent care today while at work. He has strep throat. It’s going to be a quiet weekend. We’re supposed to go to his mom’s on Sunday – I don;t really want to cancel out on that and honestly if he’s sick I might go alone. That’s one of those relationships that needs nurturing. We may need to call on her once kids come into our lives – and I would never want to deprive her of that based on the past relationship she’s had with Rob. He’s ready to move on and I’m ready to help.

This seems to be another jumbled entry. Perhaps as the cold medication wears off over the next few days my entried will become more sensical.

A final thought….****Thanks so much to those who stop by and ready my diary. I sincerely appreciate the notes that each of you leave. This is really quite the little community we have here on OD. Wishing you all a happy Friday and a Great Weekend!***