The Frustration Specter

Payton remained there struggling to reconcile the images of the Fear Demon and the Inertial Queen and balance them somehow against the apparently misbegotten notions she’d thought she’d been using to guide her life.

“Damn fool, I am,” she said aloud. “Totally flipping unaware. How clueless can any one idiot be? If I were any stupider, I’d be a rock!”

A restlessness crept in and began to take over. Payton began to pace as she raged.

“Fool, fool, fool! You thought you had it all. You thought you were so damn smart. You were smug and content and even superior! Jackass! As if you were EVER all that!”

As her irritation mounted, tears began to flow down Payton’s cheeks unnoticed. She flung herself around, looking for something to pick up and throw or at least a suitable object to kick. Finding neither, she released a deep, gut-wrenching primal scream into the night.

“I hate you! I hate you all” she cried out to the darkness enveloping her. “ I try and try and try and what do you give me? Shit! That’s what you give me. Pure unadulterated crap! I don’t know what you want me to do! I don’t know what I’m SUPPOSED to do! I ask for help and get puzzles. I ask for clarification and get riddles. I ask for salvation and only hear you say TRUST. What kind of answer is that? What am I supposed to trust? Who am I supposed to trust? I haven’t seen any hard evidence that would say that this whole concept of TRUST is worth a plug nickel!”

Payton was sweating profusely now as well as crying. Her clothes were drenched and she began to shiver.

“Screw you! That’s what I have to say! Do you hear me? SCREW YOU! You give me everything I want and then take it away bit by bit. I earned it! You have no right! Is this some sort of game or initiation? I don’t want to play! I want out! How dare you tease me with pleasures only to drop me in a pit of snakes! I’ve paid my dues. I asked for guidance – not to be hit on the side of the head with a baseball bat! Trust? Bullshit! How can I trust blindly without even a hint? Oh, to hell with this!”

Payton collapsed onto the floor shivering, her body wracked by sobs. There were no more tears, just the voiceless crying of her soul. And in the corner, the specter of Frustration floated and giggled, for here, in Payton, was concrete evidence that his was a job well done.