The Cats Speak Out

Greetings to all. My name is Swoosh and I have taken over the computer for the evening. My companion, Fubu is here with me. Together we will attempt to set straight some of the fallacies which our two legged servant has laid out for your amusement.

First and foremost – this is OUR apartment. All residents here are here at our whim. When things are not to our liking, we are not reticent in making our feelings known. As an example, Fubu HATES the comforter on the servant’s bed. It’s plaid flannel. Flannel!! NOBODY does flannel. Now do you see why she is a servant? Absolutely no decorating savvy. Fubu is the expert on decorating and tries to teach the servant regularly by peeing profusely on the offending bit of bed linen, but that woman is dense! She just washes it again, making it look even more awful, then returns it to the bed. We have not given up yet, though. I do believe Fubu has more staying power than the servant.

Along these lines, some of the knick-knacks and so-called decorations that goddess of tackiness has set out are too gauche for belief. We will continue to knock them off the shelves, tables and ledges and hide them under couches and chairs until the servant gets the hint and hides them in a closet.

Second of all – the dog’s existence is suffered merely because a more stupid creature does not exist in this world. The servant thinks it terrorizes us. Another fool. We simply bait the dog when the servant is not looking. The dog reacts, the servant catches her and the DOG gets scolded while we sit there looking offended and licking our paws.

Third – I know that it is customary to give burnt offerings to goddesses, but we prefer nice dry kibble mixed with some canned cat food to left over burned food from the servant’s dinner. When she tries to pass that stuff off to us as sacrificial offerings we simply turn up our delicate noses, raise our tails (Fubu would, if she had one) and make a deposit in the litter box. Then we supplement our diets by munching on her plants.

Fourthly – we only chase those silly strings and toys that the servant brings out to amuse HER. Such antics are well below our dignity, but the poor servant seems to have so little joy in her life. These games amuse her. We all know that a happy servant serves better!

Fifth – we try to rule with gentle paws, but sometimes discipline must be meted out swift and sure. Claws are the best way to do such. If the poor slow-witted servant were a bit quicker, her ankles and wrists would not be quite so scarred.

Sixth – cleanliness is next to godliness. We bathe ourselves and each other so often as part of our spirituality. Perhaps if the servant bathed 10-12 times a day she too would ascend to a higher level of spirituality.

Item Seven – computers make excellent beds and we hate to be disturbed while napping on the computer. We show our displeasure bye walking across the keyboard causing random symbols to appear on the screen until the servant finally gets the hint and goes away. The same is true for clothes dryers. There is no place quite so relaxing to nap as the top of the dryer when it’s on permanent press. Fubu is still young and tries to get in the dryer, but one day she will succeed and that will be the end of that little fantasy. Likewise, I predict that Fubu’s love affair with a flushing toilet will come to an abrupt end the day that she loses control and falls in. The young must be indulged so they may learn.

Number Eight – there are rules in life. We are the makers, keepers and changers of the rules. The sooner the servant catches on to this fact, the easier her life will be. Why must she fight this so?

Ninth and final for tonight – The poor servant has lost her mind lately. She is eating haggis and dancing on the table top decked out in a thong, boots, rubber bra, tassels, feathers and sequins. She keeps muttering about shitstirring. I wonder if she is referring to the dog who is constantly stirring the shit in the litter box. No matter. We fear for her sanity. Good help is hard to find and she is, if nothing else, pliable. If any of you are encouraging her aberrant behavior, we would thank you to stop immediately!

It is time for us to go herd the servant into bed, for we intend to wake her early tomorrow. She won’t believe it when she sees this entry…….but we’ll just tell her the dog did it.