Sunshine Wolf
June 11, 2000

Spoiled or Not – The Ongoing Debate

My darling daughter – the beautiful big fuzzy ball of over-active teenybopper hormones – is having an identity crisis of sorts. Her friends have accused her of being (gasp!) SPOILED. She is not sure whether to be proud of this distinction or insulted by it. You can just see the wheels turning in her head as she tries to puzzle this out. Is it a badge of fame or a badge of shame? This is very important to a girl in the age bracket where one LIVES for the approval of her peers.

Of course, her struggles reminded me of myself at that age. Well, not exactly at that age – but it did remind me of the one time I really remember whether or not I was spoiled was an issue. Hubby #1 and I were having some marital problems. They stemmed from differing expectations. He had all the typical male stereotypical ideas of what a wife should be – most of which revolved around just how domestic I could be. To be fair, his mother was a housewife, so perhaps he really wasn’t quite as prepared to deal with the queen of disenfranchised housewifery he was married to. However, in fairness to me – I never claimed to something I’m not. I spelled out VERY CLEARLY before we got married that I didn’t iron, was not fond of housework in general, and washing dishes specifically. Windows were up for negotiation. He nodded and agreed. As for my part, I had not quite let go of my Prince Charming images, so the misapplied stereotypes were mine to deal with as well.

In the midst of one of our “discussions” he looked at me, a distinct expression of horror mixed with surprise on his face, and said to me, “You’re a spoiled brat!”

DUH! I knew that. I had been aware of it for many years. He should have been – I had explained it to him in no uncertain terms for many years. I was essentially an only child since my sister is 12 years older. He came from a family of 5. I didn’t have to share the wealth – he did. Understand – I am not self-centered and childish, but am possessed of a strong personality and am used to getting things my way. My parents were very good to me. I paid for that very dearly later in life, but it is what it is.

So, back to my daughter – the spoiled brat in question. The first reason that came out that her friends call her spoiled is that she has her own room. Well you better believe I answered that quickly! “Yes, dear. You do have your own room. That doesn’t mean you’re spoiled. That means your mother knew when to quit having babies.”

Next up is the question of her shoe fetish. Imelda Marcos has nothing on that kid. “Well, dear. I just bought you a new pair of shoes. Before we left the mall, you were asking for the next pair.” That’s not spoiled – that’s greedy!

Finally, I told her that she’d just have to live with it. Yes, I believe she is spoiled. She couldn’t quite swallow that. The next logical step was to define “spoiled”. If spoiled means you always get your way, no matter what it costs other people in terms of time, money, aggravation….. then no – you’re not spoiled. If spoiled means that your parents focus their entire life around you and only you… then no – you’re not spoiled. If spoiled means that you rule the family with an iron fist…then no – you’re not spoiled.

However, if spoiled means that I buy you appropriate things whenever I can… then yes – you’re spoiled. If spoiled means that you have rules that are not exactly like everyone else’s, but rules (and consequences for breaking them) nonetheless… then yes – you’re spoiled. If spoiled means that I will always do whatever I can to help you grow as a person even if it sometimes costs me… then yes – you’re spoiled.

This was food for thought, but she still was undecided. We decided to make my son Solomon the Wise. I suggested she ask her brother if she was spoiled. I was fairly certain of his answer, but wanted her to hear it from the mouth of the person she most adores in this world.

“Brother, am I spoiled?”

“Hell, yes!” (accompanied by a look that said – why would you even ASK?)

“Why do you say that?”

“Cause she’s your mother!!”

Well now! I knew he’d say she’s “spoiled”. I even suspected that he’d admit that he might possibly be “spoiled”. But I certainly didn’t expect quite that explanation!

So now the dilemma is mine, rather than hers. How did that shift happen? You know what – I’m not going to lose a minute’s sleep over it. Spoiled is a label. I don’t believe in labels. I do, however, believe in kids.

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yep 🙂

Spoiled is a generic term I believe. People say my kids are spoiled but they aren’t, they are loved. Also I feel that the people who call our kids spoiled our a “little” jealous of what our kids have

or they have insecurity issues they need to deal with. I agree with you I don’t believe in “labels” either

🙂

Your daughter doesn’t sound spoiled to me. Sounds more like the name-callers are jealous of something else. Most kids have their own rooms and not many girls have under a zillion pairs of shoes! Just call me Imelda II. ~:)

Willy & Wilma
June 12, 2000

A ‘spoiled’ kid is easy to recognize but hard to describe in words.

BlueEyes
June 12, 2000

Three cheers for spoiled kids, SW style!

Spoiled is like fruit or something spoiling…it doesn’t sound like that is the situation at all. It sounds like you have a perfect angel. 😉 Love,

I think there are so many kids out there not getting the attention they need that they see anyone else who actually is getting attention & respect from a parent as “spoiled.”

Spoiled? Nope. Loved? Yeah. Lucky? Damn right! You’re a good mom, she’s a fortunate daughter, and her friends need to learn not to label people. 🙂 Love + Hugs,

Loved!!!

darkart
June 12, 2000

I’m still sort of a kid and i wish i could be spoiled too but i have two younger bros who’re the joy of my life (gagging noise in the background) so i reserve comment abt this cos i have not a clue wat to say! 😉

You described that so wonderfully. I guess my kids are “spoilt” too! Love your son’s answer though ! LOL Hugz

Part of me thinks we are all a little spoiled… :O) Be well

“The queen of disenfranchised housewifery!” I love that! Growing up as I did, I was not allowed to lift a finger to do anything around the house until I was 10. Then, all of a sudden, I was turned into an all-around drudge and slavey.

From that moment on, my parents did their best to a keep me from growing up “spoiled.” It was character-training 24 hours a day. Now. at my age, I’m being spoiled rotten, and I feel guilty. Strange, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t have it any other way, my son is ‘spoiled’ too. In my book this is just good parenting. Odd, the kids who act spoiled are the ones who AREN’T getting what they need from their parents. Hence, spoil

::mumbles about short note spaces:: Hence, spoiled BRATS…

Torin Invanusson
June 13, 2000

Is she a reasonably civilized human being (teenage part aside)? Then spoil away. With a warm smile…

There’s no doubt my daughter is spoiled. I spoil myself, too. The trick is to be spoiled without becoming a brat!

sophist
June 13, 2000

to add to OD’s note…..and we are all secretly pleased we are 😉 Can’t wait til you can spoil me!!

Quite precisely because you believe in kids is why you win the wolfie mom of the year award, heck decade. For you, i’d cook dinner, because i know it would be helping you to spread your love and warmth.

Kidd J
June 13, 2000

How’s the warm south? Spoiled? definately a possibility but a lot of kids dont get the love they need from parents..just depends on the kid..I know a couple who are truly spoiled..(cont)

Kidd J
June 13, 2000

they literally get everything they want and throw serious fits when mom tries to protest..seriously, I’ve never known them not to get what they want no matter what it is..

Kidd J
June 13, 2000

I think u’r a much better parent than that..she ain’t spoiled..just a teen…

Love the housewife/housework comments! As Rosanne said of her husband walking into the kitchen and asking, “Where’s the ________?” (fill in the blank), “What do they think, we have a homing

device in our uterus, we can just program it to find stuff for them? HOW DO I KNOW? GO LOOK FOR IT!” Anyway, if daughter’s a good kid and is responsible and cooperative, spoil ‘er!

Mns
June 14, 2000

oh boy *chuckling* thanks for this entry, SW! i’ve got an 18 yr old daughter who has a younger bro about 2 yrs younger and one nearly 10 yrs older.. so oh yeah, much i can relate to here 🙂

Mns
June 14, 2000

she certainly doesn’t sound spoiled to me… just very loved and cared for. dontcha know a sibling is gonna accuse the other of being spoiled… it’s happened in my house older siblings accuse youngest of getting away

Mns
June 14, 2000

with murder. youngest accuses daughter of getting everything. lol.. can’t win! and the perception of peers isn’t always accurate anyway.

Mns
June 14, 2000

btw..i hate housework…lol

Spoiled? No. Lucky? Yes! I don’t believe in Labels either. If you are happy with yourself it shouldn’t matter what others think. But how do we instill that idea in our children?

Loving isn’t spoiling, thereby lies the difference

Dear Sunshine, please share some of your “shielding techniques” with your readers. (Unless they’re copyrighted.) We could all use some good tips. Thanks for stopping by.

your daughter sounds spoiled in a similar way to how I was spoiled and I am thankful for my resourcefulness brought upon by the lack of friends…hmmm! Seriously she’s a very lucky girl.

I think maybe she comes across as spoiled because of the self confidence you have instilled in her. She believes in herself which teenagers are NOT supposed to do… and I always did 🙂

AHHH, YESSS!! I believe in SPOILED for all the right reasons that you listed above. If you believe in your kids, I’ll take that kind of spoiled!

re clicking and Garden gnome’s discovery, that’s odd, i get flitted around places, are you sure you aren’t hitting mail? 🙂 *ducks* no, stop, no SW don’t eat my feet off! I need to hop more. 🙂

OH great, you got me in big trouble here, they told me to laugh more quietly. HOW can i laugh more quietly at SW~! it’s like she’s gone like tuppence’s friend! eighteen stories up, and she’s telling to be quiet!

now they are starving me. i’m really hungry, my stomach is acidy, and they aren’t ready yet. *Grin* it’s your fault!

HEY SW, this stuff, is great, in the office here, they are working afterhours, and just opened up bass ale. wow!:)

Your level of awareness provides protection from such folly.

Fabulous entry, you are a great writer..witty and perceptive and sound like an awesome mom! You’re right, it’s all in the definition. Thanks for your note, you are my first eco-volunteer! 😀

Oh I do adore you! You sound like an absolutely wonderful mother and I hope to do the same kinds of things for my son. It sounds like Solomon the Wise just thinks you are very generous. Blessed be.

I’m spoiled…. at least my boyfriend always says so.. jokingly of course. My mother doesnt call it spoiled she calls it loved. sounds nicer she thinks.

then music and wine it shall be. 🙂 saturday the day after the friday after next, is that good for you? it’s good for me! 🙂

Thank you for the funny comment, Sunshine! Hoorray for cats who sleep on computer keyboards!

Spoiled because she has a cool, caring Mom. Her friends are obviously jealous. About being locked out, I actually ended up breaking into my own house, through the bedroom window. Discovered it unlocked.

My sis denys that the horrid tiny piece of underwear is not hers. The other sis was here last November. Maybe they borrowed each other’s suitcases. It’s been known to happen before. LOL

Well, there is a difference between ‘spoiled’ and ‘indulged’. One thing you wouldn’t want her to become is ‘high-maintenance’.

I was going to give my two cents on the spoiled issue, but counting my shoes has distracted me. Hugs…

i do my very best to spoil both my grandsons. they deserve it. take care

I don’t believe in lables either. Nice one

*grin* Labels are silly in general. Very interesting ideas, tho.

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