Sleeping Beauty and Other Fairy Tales

Lest you should think that the things I spoke of in my last entry are rarities….

I was grading papers at my desk as the class worked in groups on their various assignments.  A student came up and asked for a piece of tape.  When I looked up at him to answer, these words – and I quote verbatim – came flying out of his mouth.

"Marijuana makes your sperm retarded".

How to respond, how to respond……..with the first thing that came to my mind of course!

"I’ve heard that.  However, since I do not have any sperm myself, I’ve never actually worried about it."

Retarded sperm – could explain a lot, couldn’t it?

Today is picture day.  I had to send a girl to the office for a shirt to cover up the BUSTIER she thought it was appropriate to dress up in for picture day.  Fredrick’s of Hollywood has this exact number in their catalog….Should I say it?  Should I?  You’ve heard it before.  I bet you’re thinking it.  I don’t need to say it.  GOTTA say it!!!  WHERE ARE HER PARENTS???????????????

Of course, I also had a boy with beautiful curly hair – which is on the short side – put two small pony tails into his hair this morning for picture day – exactly in the spot you would expect to see devil horns on this boy.  I suggested that he might not want that look for his pictures.  He was sure he did.  Won’t his mom treasure THOSE images?!

Thug babies 101:  I got a morning thug hug this morning from a boy who is one the six year plan in middle school – yep.  Still in 6th grade.  Up until this morning, I though I had made ZERO impact on him.  Heh.  Even thugs hold surprises.

Sleeping Beauty:  After the last bell yesterday, the teacher across the hall called me into his room.  "Don’t leave yet, Ms. Wolf – you gotta see this!"

So I went into his classroom……..to observe a student so sound asleep that he hadn’t heard the bell ring or the ensuing commotion as the students exited the classroom AND the school!  He was drooling on the lab table for heaven’s sake!  I put my hand on his shoulder and nudged a little.  "Wake up Beauty – your princess already rode off without you."  Sigh.  And the little darling wasn’t even embarassed about it….

As my students were performing their mise en place in preparation for cooking tomorrow (yes – they all know "mise en place" – just don’t ask them who the president of the US is.) a student cried out in a stressed voice – "Miss Wolf – help me find a batter!  I can’t find a batter!" 

Huh?

I looked around for tell-tale signs that they were playing some game or other and not doing their work.  Then it hit me. (Kind of like getting slugged by a bat…….)  Batter.  PANCAKE batter.  They have no clue what the word BATTER means in relationship to cooking.  Bats fly, bats hit balls, but what do bats have to do with pancakes?  Did I mention that this job keeps my mind active?  Everyone now knows what ‘batter’ is in relationship to cooking.  There are no RBIs in the kitchen.

A student who is not a native English speaker overheard a teacher telling his girlfriend to fix some red meat for dinner.  He made a face. 

"I don’t like red meat".

OK – I’m always up for a conversation.  So I ask….

"What kind of meat do you like?"

"Not the red kind.  The brown kind of meat."

"Red meat means beef.  Cow.  Moo.  He wants beef for dinner – not chicken or fish.

"OH!  I thought he meant that red water in the meat.  I don’t like that kind of red meat".

I could have left it there.  I really could have.  But I didn’t.  Of COURSE I didn’t.

"You mean the blood?  You don’t like your beef bloody?"

"That’s BLOOD?!?!?!?!!!"

"When you eat meat, you are eating an animal’s flesh.  So what do YOU think that red water is?"

"EWWWWWWWWWWW!"

I can be evil at times.  I know this kid pretty well – and I only grossed him out for about 38 seconds.  He’ll be back at McDonald’s for his next meal.

Heartbreakers incorporated:  A student that graduated from here 2 years ago – and who I was very close to, called me last night from his current home in Georgia.  This boy has had a crap home life but ALWAYS smiles, always sees the up side of everything – is always gentle and loving.  He calls periodically and always tells me "I love you" before he hangs up.  I am quite attached to him.  And last night this 15 year old sunshine boy – told me he is going to be a daddy in February.  Sigh.  You know the rest – I don’t have to fill you in.  Oh how I wish things were different sometimes!

On the note of things being different….I asked a student that I had last year a question about one of her friends today.  I wanted to know why her friend was giving another teacher such a hard time.  Her answer surprised and delighted me!

She said it was because her friend thought that school was all about being ‘hard’ and impressing everybody.  She thinks its more important to cause trouble and be noticed than to actually do her work.  She said her friend doesn’t understand what school is all about. 

WOO HOO!!!

The girl who was saying all these mature and wonderful things…….last year was in jail for stabbing her sister in the leg with a knife.  She caused trouble for most of her teachers.  She was tough and hard.  I though I had noticed what seemed to be a difference in her this year – and VOILA!  She GETS it!  Finally!!!  It was a

ll I could do to keep from jumping up on my desk and doing a happy dance as she talked!

One final note about life in general.  On a more personal melody….. My love life sucks. 

Hang on.  That’s harsh.  Really.  In order for my love life to suck, I would actually have to have a love life.  I have none.  Zero.  Zip. Nada.

Apparently I am out of practice.  Even my pretend love life is out of sync.

I bought Sims2.  Wren is always talking about Sims – and I wanted to try it.  So I’ve been playing around with it – finally figured it out enough to "play a game".  I am busy trying to get my Sim to fall in love.  But all the women were turned off by him.  He didn’t like them much either.  Turns out he is gay….and now happily married to another male Sim.  I can’t even live out a fantasy love life for myself!!!!

I guess I better go grade some papers…..look for a batter……and wake sleeping beauty.