Shoot Me Now…Please!

MONDAY I had a substitute job at a nearby Middle School. I was the PE teacher. Me. When “I” was in middle & high school, I invested much of my time in elaborate schemes to avoid participating in PE.How ironic, then, that I should get to be a PE teacher for a day.I stood outside sweating like a broken fire hydrant in the 90-degree weather supervising KICKBALL games for 11 – 13 year olds. Jiminy Cricket – did you know that there are RULES for Kickball?

“Miss!” “I can’t be out in the sun – I’ll turn black.”

I looked at her complexion, which was darker than fine dark chocolate, & tried not to smile.

“I sure do sympathize with you. If I stay out here much longer, I’ll get COVERED with FRECKLES!”

She looked me over thoroughly & then said, “You already are.”

“That’s exactly right – I am!” I exclaimed as I redirected everyone back to the kickball game. Do you suppose she got the point?

Wednesday & Thursday were spent in an alternative school program.One girl kept aggravating a rather volatile boy in the class until she succeeded in getting him to attack her.As the two of them locked horns to do battle, I stepped into their space.

“All right – cut this junk out – both of you! This is ridiculous!”

They looked at me – but didn’t back down.The whole class was watching, after all.

“I ain’t afraid of him. I ain’t afraid of you neither.” shot the girl in a staccato rapid-fire.

“Well that’s nice.I’m not afraid of either of you.Now that we have that established…get your hands off of each other & get your rears into your seats!”

But little miss belligerence had to give it one more shot.

“You don’t dare touch me.”

I just smiled sweetly & returned to teacherly duties…leaving her to wonder whether I would or wouldn’t.

But the kids aren’t the best part of this week. The amazingly idiotic group of people I have been in contact with this week are the real treat.

I am attempting to get a full time teaching position here. I call to find out what I need to do & get a voice mailbox. I left a message. The next day I call again since no one bothered to return my call. This time the phone rang until someone got tired of hearing it, picked it up then immediately hung it up without ever answering it. I called right back & tried a different extension at random. This time I got a human. I explained what I wanted & my lack of success thus far. She told me to go to the website. I explained that it doesn’t work properly, the information is out of date & the website INSTRUCTS visitors to call for more information. I continued by telling her that I am trying to call, but not getting any response. She tells me that OF COURSE I’m not getting any response – the woman who takes care of that CAN’T talk to me on the phone! “She’s busy!” It was suggested that I try e-mail, since the very busy woman can check her e-mail at any time. Lovely. This school district is one of the largest in the country, is approximately one thousand teachers short…& anyone interested in getting a job gets only a run-around. In case you’re wondering, I DID e-mail but I have gotten NO response back from Miss TooBusyToDoMyJob.

My cell phone is acting up, so I took it in to the store. They told me what was wrong. Technically, the malfunction is my fault, but, the root cause is a poor design. The girl told me to go home, call the Insurance company & have them replace it. I said OK, but I would like her to make note of my complaint about the design & pass it on to the powers that be. She got a vacant look & sort of nodded…so I asked her if she was going to tell anyone what I said – or if she even cared that I had a complaint. She said no to both items. Deep Breath. I explained that I am a customer & I have a complaint. The proper thing to do is to make note of it so that the powers that be see how frequently this complaint is or is not made. She smirked & informed me that SPRINT does not make the phone, SANYO does. Deep Breath again. Yes, but Sprint buys the phones from Sanyo – & if they’re CRAP, then Sprint needs to know. Could she just enter it into the customer database? No. I should call Customer Care. BIG deep breath. No – I am talking to you now. You are a customer service person. I want YOU to pass on my complaint. The answer was swift. I can’t. I don’t have any way to do that. This time I was too stunned to take that deep breath. You mean to tell me that you are a service point – a STORE – & there is no way for you to relay customer complaints? She nodded in arrifmation. Well then this is a shitty operation & you people are all idiots…& that’s my final word on THAT subject!

On my way home some numbskull driving a purple pick-up truck pulled up behind me in the right lane & proceeded to blow her horn & gesture at me. I couldn’t go anywhere – there was a car ahead of me. The entire lane to my left was open though. I gestured for her to go around. She “might” have thought that gesture looked like me flipping her off… (insert look of wide-eyed innocence here) So she proceeded to pull up next to me & curse. Then she pulled behind me & gestured & cursed & blew her horn. She continued this. I wasn’t about to go home with this looney tune following me, so I just continued to drive…at a speedy clip of about 12 mph. She kept following & cursing & gesturing. I was getting tired of the whole thing so I headed towards the bridge across the bay. She must have decided she didn’t want to leave town & turned off. I had driven about an extra 20 miles to nowhere entertaining her. I even blew her a kiss once. How could she still be mad after that?

And there’s the conversation I had with the benefits department at a job I had 6 years ago…where they told me I couldn’t have my pension money because my EX has an interest in it & he has to sign off…but he can’t sign off because he’s now my EX instead of my CURRENT. Yes, it’s my money, but I can’t have it…unless I go back & get RE-divorced somehow. Does anybody understand this???

I don’t know if I can take one more problem at this point…or one more stupid & argumentative person. Why is this all so hard? I’ve heard that some folks are actually cooperative & pleasant & helpful…or was that one of those fictional stories I was reading? I’ll catch up with all you guys as soon as I catch my breath!