December 19, 2002

Rumors of My Demise…

I am still alive and kicking. Mostly kicking. Currently I am hopefully winding up a 3+ month long confrontation with my DSL provider. For some reason I have had to do a LOT of explaining to them about the fact that a DSL service is no good to me if it doesn’t actually work. I tackled the cell phone people and won. Put THAT down in the record books. Next battle is going to be auto insurance. In changing mine from Georgia to Florida (with the SAME carrier I’ve had for 20 years with only ONE claim in all that time) I find that my rates have increased 150%. And they can’t explain it. Credit’s good – no claims – always pay my bill – long term customer…….so HAH! TAKE IT UP THE ARSE!!! What the heck is going on in the world?

I am not a cryer. Normally the only time you see tears in my eyes is when I’m furious beyond words. In case anyone has any doubts, I am always full of words….so being furious beyond words is QUITE the rare occurrence. Still it pisses me off more when it does happen cause on top of being rabidly angry, I’m CRYING! For Pity’s sake!

So…..imagine how upside down my life has been here lately when I am on the verge of tears almost every day. No, it’s not sadness over my situation or fear of what’s to come or depression or whatever else makes people cry. I started keeping track of the events that trigger the waterworks…..and it’s acts of kindness. Can you believe that? Now I KNOW I am messed up.

I see a news clip of some down-and-dirty rotten rap artist going back to “the hood” and spending thousands of dollars on Christmas presents for kids and my eyeballs overfloweth. I see a story on a stray animal that has been taken into a loving family and my tear ducts begin to leak. Family reunions, random acts of patriotism, kindness in any form all set my salty tear hormones to monsoon levels.

So…..I started thinking. (yeah – I know – dangerous for me at the BEST of times and this is definately not the best of times). When I was a child I felt totally secure and loved. As parents go, mine were pretty damn good. My grandmother lived with us from the time I was born until she died when I was 32. She was the most amazing woman I can remember. Her picture is in the dictionary right next to the words “unconditional love”. My sister and I never did the ususal sibling rivalry bit. I have always known that I was a ‘sheltered’ child, but now I see it as more than that. I was not only sheltered, but I was cocooned in a big old blanket of love.

I don’t feel that way right now. Kinda irrational I guess – cause my dad and sis are still with me and still love me. I lost my mom and gram, but gained two children who I am constantly in awe of and they love me as well. Not only do they love me, but they tell me so. Still…something is “off”.

I know, I know. Christmas blues. No – more than that and still less than that. Whatever. I want my cocoon back. I want it NOW. I want to feel safe and secure again.

But, not to dwell on the boo-hoo moments, you guys are wonderful also. I feel so lucky to have happened into this site. Your support for me when my friend revealed herself to be my ex-friend was overwhelmingly wonderful. And I got some cards and presents….chocolate and bunny pasta!! And I wish I had my cocoon back and could make it grow and grow and grow until it is big enough to wrap all of you and your families in (with our lifetime supply of chocolate, of course).

I am, at best, a lax correspondent. But my thoughts and prayers are with you….and my love. Thank you for being just who you are. No one could ask for anything any better.

Good grief! Did I just write mush? AK! What is the world coming to?

Just 2 more days and Young Stud will be home for a few days. I miss seeing him so much. He is such an amazing young man…and I want him to be at home with his momma all the time…..but I raised him to be independent. Too bad I did such a damn good job of it! The good news is that his girlfriend has finished her schooling to be a psychologist (did you hear that Falling Dog? A psychologist!) and now she has 1000 hours of supervisied counseling or something like that (note how technical I am) to do……and they may be moving here for her to do that. Course, they may not…….I want them to do what is best for them, but can’t help but hope that it all works out good for me as well! I even like the girlfriend. My boy has pretty damn good taste.

I am rambling and wiping tears from my eyes – where the hell did THEY come from? Here’s hoping none of you has gone insane from the “joys of Christmas” yet….and now I am gonna go stick my head in the toilet or something equally theraputic……

Oh my goodness, you sound just like me. I get teary eyed over the same sort of stuff, and I was really sheltered as a child, and I want my son to move closer too! Mine will be coming home sunday night, with his girlfriend. I like her too! LOL 🙂

aquaphoric

December 20, 2002

*hugs and hands you my ‘lectric blanket* there. It may not be thick, but it always keeps me warm… and that’s saying something. Cuz I’m ALWAYS freezing. I know what you mean about crying… I hate it too. Heck, I wouldn’t even admit to crying at any of that stuff (Not that I do, but if I did…)*more hugs* we love ya… and you’ve had a fishie hug now… not quite like other hugs 🙂 feel better!

Re: perpetual tears….I say cry away. Why not? It’s one of the few things that isn’t against the law or taxed. Maybe later you’ll understand why you needed to. Re: auto insurance…I have had good luck with Geico; they’re usually the cheapest around but you’ll need to watch them. They’ll edge rates up occassionally. I’ve had to switch carriers for a period to get them to get their rates back (c)

Oh. my. GAWD!!!! Woman, you have got one hella case of the Evil Xmas Mood! And you’re not alone! HAH! I’m bawling at all those acts of kindness, too! Any little thing, I’m Niagara Falls! Hey, those 1000 hours of supervised counseling? That’s called an Internship. LMAO!! Congrats to her! Merry F-in’ Christmas, you! I know you’ll be sooo happy to see Young Stud, and that’s what Xmas is all ab

Lael

December 21, 2002

Good for you SW missed ya while in CA had a great time I’ll get an entry there soon I hope Lael

Ainekate

LMAO! OMG Woman, you are so funny! I’m pleased to hear our notes helped you out. I know what you mean about the wonderful people in OD. Don’t be so hard on yourself about the tears. We all go through it at different times. You’re probably still dealing with the emotional aftershock of what that witch did, on top of the ‘joys’ of the season. Hope you have the best Christmas possible! *big hugs*

The Watcher

December 22, 2002

Just let me point out that OTHER people might send little goodies and cards your way IF THEY HAD YOUR ADDRESS. Ahem. Hemahemahem. Hem. Fresh from a new entry…

I think you are still reacting to the betrayal by that ex-friend!!! You are a lucky girl to have had that cocoon growing up, and it’s given you the strength to carry on. Let the tears flow, it’s good for the soul!! Much love and laughter and in case I don’t get back . . . . Merry Christmas!!

Torin

I am on a roll, I tell you. Two entries in two diaries. I’m good. With a grin…

Having cried a lot over an old movie..Lassie come home..I fear I am also becoming mushy. Muriel is in a sanatorium being dried out. One hopes permanently. Thank you for all your luvly notes and may all be well with you and yours….Alexias

The Bean meant by my anonymous noter is Sean Bean who was in the Lotr movie. This took me time to figure out not being such a movie buff.A friend of mine once sat next to a lady at a Hollywood dinner and danced with her. All were amused that he did not know who she was. Even when they told him he was sitting with Richard Burton and his wife Elizabeth. True story. Alexias

December 23, 2002

Pointing at TWO story entries at my diary and one over in FeeOD Torin and NO wolfen notes. *innocent smile*

;-D … I love this entry … thanks. …

Elle: 2

LOL…. You are too funny girlfriend…it’s the funky Christmas Blues gone bad….Glad your son is coming home…my arrived today….it is our first Christmas as a family in about 6/7 years as J couldn’t afford to fly home from Jackson Hole, and we couldn’t afford to fly out to him…We are all thrilled ! Big Smiles…

Willy & Wilma

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year,Sunshine Wolf!–and may you find that shetering cocoon soon

ryn: all these crazy nicknames i gotta learn!! i love em though!! so creative…and kickin. i started listening (not watching…i was at work last night…i had to listen to it on the radio) its a wonderful life last night…id never seen it before….after about 45 minutes i had to turn it off….i must say, its NOT a wonderful life!! that movie is horrible!!!! give me something good! like the

lil’ guy that wants a bebe gun!!!! hehehe regardless, i hope you had a wonderful special extraordinary festive magical and most importantly amazing day. just like every other day…but this time, you get to see yer’ stud and his lady!! =) hope ya get this!! i think i left it on the wrong entry..its supposed to be on your most recent one!!

ermentrude

January 15, 2003

YES YES YES YES YES! No, I’m not trying to recreate Harry meeting Sally… i got on your diary… it only took me TWO WEEKS! As to the toilet, don’t do it if there’s been someone there before you, never know what you’ll find and as to the tears let ’em flow. I always feel better for a good ol’ trickle from the eyes… just don’t let anyone know okay?!