Progress?!?!

So here’s the wolfie girl sitting chock full o’panic (is that a coffee?) and whining and moaning and generally carrying on. Life sucks. I’m an idiot. Why doesn’t anything ever go right? Wah-wah-wah ad infinitum. Trying to justify this ball of terror in the pit of my stomach.

Not only that – but I’m rarely taken seriously when I have a meltdown (which IS rare). See – I’m the STRONG one. All those people that go nuts and then go on shooting sprees??? They were probably “strong” people that got tired of people glossing over and poo-pooing their “issues”. I’m convinced. hmmmmm… do I sound like I’m living on the lunatic fringe there? oopsie!

So I’m sad and scared and pissed – and I tell the Universe off. Well… first I begged and whined a little. BUT THEN – I gave it what-for! And I demanded some answers!

Sis drops by yesterday and we were chatting – Sister-talk. We had both spoken to our eldest boy-children and traded accounts of the conversations. Seems that her boy – YupStud is on the outs with his girlfriend. He’s trying to help remodel the place he lives in which means he comes home from work and spends time working on the house and doesn’t get over to her place til 9 pm or so. SO….girlfriend gets pouty – then gets insecure. She’s sure that the “thrill is gone”. She talks to YupStud and he says NO – I’m just tired of living in a torn up house. When this is done, we’ll be back to normal. This is not reassuring enough for girlfriend. She spends several nights engaged in bouts of insecurity with YupStud. He can’t handle it any more. They fight – he leaves.

A note – obviously YupStud is not enamored enough with girlfriend to really care and try to work this out. That said…Girlfriend brought about the very thing that she was fearing most by her very own actions. That which we fear we attract – is that how the saying goes?

After Sis took off, this story was still bouncing around in my head. And then it hit me (almost literally since a REALLY BIG box I was trying to cram into a closet just about beaned me as it fell OUT of the closet). I AM DOING THE SAME DAMN THING.

Without all the gory details – what I have been doing here (especially at work) are things that – if I don’t make some changes – will guarantee my failure. And failure is what I fear. Light bulb moment!

Why do I fear failure? Does failing at something or losing a job (or a thousand jobs) say anything about who the true SW is? Not a damn bit. It may say something about my choices, my work habits, my people skills or any number of other things – but it doesn’t say one thing about ME. Folks on the outside looking in my render judgements based on what they see… but they don’t know what’s real. Only I know that about myself. And what does it matter anyway? They’ll think what they think regardless.

After these thoughts solidified in my little pea brain – I felt so much better – so energized – and felt like I had actually been answered!! Now, of course, it’s up to me to ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING with that answer… hehe. That’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax!

This morning I pulled a card from my Medicine Woman Tarot deck. Just needed a confirmation (yes – I know – I should believe it the first time and stop asking “are you sure?” “I mean are you really sure?” “Really-really sure??”)

Here’s just a bit of what goes with the card I pulled:

“I am the sun.I am the turning toward life that has been made by your individual consciousness.You have shed the old habits of death and destruction through the simple turning of the mind toward me.I am the power of regeneration.I am the turning point.You have freed yourself from the limitations of circumstances.Now, in touch with the Creator, you express the one true self in creative energy.”

Seems pretty darn clear, doesn’t it? Right! I am feeling so much better!!! Let go of some garbage – now I just gotta replace that garbage with a truckload of GOOD STUFF! Right? Don’t I? Is this the message for me? Are you sure? Really-really sure?

Halloween candy……I think I need some Candy Corn and those cute little orange pumpkins…