May 4, 2006

On Being A Mother

Thinking back to when I was pregnant the first time…with my son…26 years ago:

Intellectually, I knew that being a mother was not going to be a continuous bed of roses. Emotionally, I was totally unprepared.
Intellectually, I knew there would be rough times. Spiritually, I was unprepared.
Intellectually, I knew it would take a lot to keep up with my children. Physically, I was unprepared.
Intellectually, I knew I would ultimately be up to the challenge. Realistically, I was woefully unprepared.
Intellectually, I knew there would be unlimited joys ahead. Humanly, I was unprepared.

So much for intellect…

As I wrote about a couple of entries back, Chickie is pregnant. But wait – there is more to the story. According to her records of her last cycle, etc…she should be about 9-1/2 weeks. The midwife thought we might be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat (I think that’s common at about 7 weeks). She tried, but no luck. So the midwife sent Chickie for a sonogram. The sonogram tech said Chickie must have made a mistake – her calculations made it more like 4-1/2 weeks.

Is anybody sensing an ‘uh-oh" here? Right.

So the next day the midwife calls Chickie. She needs to come in right away for blood work to see if her hormones are changing appropriately. Apparently there is a good chance that this pregnancy is well on its way to a miscarriage.

Poor Chickie. She is so mature and world wise in some areas…but not in this one. She was hysterical. My mommie sense kicked in and I started talking. Turns out I was right. She is afraid there is something wrong with her that would cause a miscarriage. I reassured the best I could.

But its not easy being Chickie right now. First a pregnancy that she is not prepared for. Then…the probability of a miscarriage. And there is no quick answer to this question it seems. The sonogram was Thursday. The bloodwork today. And now she has to go back for more bloodwork on Monday. I guess that’s how they’ll measure the hormonal changes? I am not sure since I was unable to go to the midwife with her today.

Add to that the fact that the boyfriend is not ready for a baby either…and does not know how to react or be supportive. He has said some very hurtful things during the last couple of days. I don’t think he is a bad sort – but neither do I think he is a long-termer (if you know what I mean). To take away the sugar coating – He and Chickie are just not good for each other in the long run. Each of them has some things the other seems to need right now… but there are also a large number of things on each side that are negatives. Add to that the fact that they are not stable, self-supporting or mature…. Sigh.

This is the hard part of being a mother. I want to tell her – you’re not ready for a baby. Neither is he. Although this miscarriage (if indeed that’s what it is) would be awful…it may be the best thing for everyone involved – the baby included. But I can’t say that. She’s not going to want to hear that.

And so my role is to love her and be supportive – no matter what. I suppose that’s what being a mother is all about. But it’s not easy. I want to direct her life…using my experience and "wisdom". I want to protect her – from traumas such as this. But she wouldn’t thank me for that control…and in the long run – I guess it wouldn’t be best.

Intellectually, I know that I have to let her live her own life, have her own experiences, make her own mistakes. But my heart….my heart is hurting.

And I repeat myself….so much for intellect.

moongate

May 5, 2006

I’m sure you will here this dozens of times, but these things do happen for a reason. Still, I empathize with Chickie’s possible impending loss. It will be something she carries with her throughout her entire life. Right now, though…right now is what matters most. And you are handling right now just perfectly.

Queen Wysiwyg

How did I miss this? I’m so sorry for you both. But if she can’t trust him to “do right” by her, I think you’re right; he’s not a long-termer.

aquaphoric

wow. . . good luck.

Dyanna's_Karma

hugs… good luck.

Willy & Wilma

“Love her and be supportive – no matter what”. You can’t go wrong with that.

RoofOnFire

I agree totally with Willy’s note. There is no explanation for something like this; all you can do is support her unconditionally.

BBe

May 6, 2006

*sigh* I’m so sorry. My friend just went through a miscarriage. Her 3rd and she really IS trying to get pregnant. But for Chickie…. of course this is a different situation. Not being ready – maybe this is a sign. Who knows? Love and support…. that’s the ticket, mom. Yep, there’s no need for intellect here. 🙂

Torin

Been through a lot of this, and it’s a hard, hard place to be. Personally, I’m thinking a miscarriage wouldn’t be a bad thing, and the experience might be a huge “grow up” call to her and the b/f. It’s impossible to know. You know how to reach me if you need a shoulder. With love and blessings…

Ahem

Miscarriage involves mourning that’s real, immediate, and deep. You all will share in that. There will be room for her to hear your wisdom when she’s ready. She needs to gather her own now. A very high percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Google miscarriage to learn more. The March of Dimes has a lot of helpful info on this. I’m sorry this is so difficult for all of you. All the best,

Patrisha

If it does happen, and even now while you are going through this, tell her your heart is hurting for her…

.imp.

Holy crap! I totally missed that entry!!! (just went back and read it) From everything you’ve said…I have to completely agree with your view on this. Still, I’m really very sorry for her pain and for the stress the whole situation has caused all of you. All the notes above say it so well. Wishing you both strength and peace…

crystal butterfly

I missed the entry about Chickie too. I hope for the best for all concerned. And yes, in so many ways are we unprepared to be a mother.

wren

Poor Chickie; this will be so hard for her, but thankfully, she does have you to lean on. A lot of girls would not be so fortunate. Warm wishes to both of you.

FallingDog

Wow, P. All I can do is offer hugs.

RNBiker

May 7, 2006

I guess what’s meant to be, will be, hon. As you say, you just need to be there for her…whatever. Hugz

HeartUntoMind

Yeah, so much for intellect, but it ends up being the mast we must cling to at times in a storm. And a means to navigate with. It seems to be going a direction they will learn what the bigger things in life are made of. I wrote about you today. Keep going mom, you’re doing great! 🙂

Ryn: It felt reassuring and good to hear your son values the life of the ‘village’ he had. Thank you for writing.

Juggler

You’ll be there for her. And I yes, your heart will hurt for her. It’s that very fact that will make your presence her solace.

BlondeMatchbox

May 8, 2006

my mom used to say “the body knows when it’s not ready” maybe Chickie’s knows too

Inostensible

🙁 This is heart rending. You sound like a fantastic mom, though… I hope that if I am ever in that situation that I can live up to that. RYN – You should… it will be a welcome respite from the day’s activities. 🙂

The Efficient Oak

Take care,

Arbi

May 12, 2006

Yes, the heart is far stronger than the head when we see people we care about hurting. We can’t help- hurting too. WEspecially when all we can do is stand aside and watch, silently. (((Sunshine Wolf)))