Sunshine Wolf
September 30, 2002

Of Two Minds…Is This a Split Personality?

I’ve been wanting to write a new entry for a couple of days, but have been unable to decide what to write. There are two things on my mind right now…and two entries in one day is just way too mucho much for this often reluctant writer.

What to do…What to do…

I wanted to tell you about my funny weekend. (I can hear you now – does she mean funny-haha or funny-peculiar?)About Sis and I going to the big Home Show and wandering through the myriad of exhibits. (Hint: I think ponds are BIG this year, as well as Murphy beds). It was fun and interesting…and a bit odd. Sis and I are big women. We both hit 6′ in height easily and we’re both “big-boned” and “fluffy”. (heh – the lengths I’ll travel to avoid saying Large, er… well padded, er… you get the idea). Plus we both have strong personalities backed by very strong energy fields. I’ve been told that my field enters a room 10 minutes before I do! The point of this ramble? There is just NO WAY we can be ignored. We may not be envied or adored but, dammitall, you’re going to notice us!

So how odd was it that NOBODY would talk to Sis? We’d stop at stalls and talk about the cabinet or bed or pond or painting…Sis would ask questions and the vendor would give their answer to me. People said pleasant “hi”s to me, but looked right through Sis as if she wasn’t there. Too weird!

I thought it was my imagination – and didn’t say anything until we had left the show. Then we laughed together cause Sis had noticed but hadn’t said anything because she thought she was imagining things and being hyper-sensitive. Of course I did NOT make any comments about which one of us is OBVIOUSLY better looking or nicer or easier to talk to. Nope. I’d NEVER do THAT!!!

We went on to enjoy a lovely little Blues Festival in Dunedin. Sunday I went to a flea market with my friend (and employer) Mercedes. It was one of the cool ones – small & without all the BS commercial flea-market bargains – fake Gucci and such. I found a neat little doo-dad or two & Mercedes bought a quilt. Then we went to a near-by mall to grab a bite…..and I fell apart.

You don’t see me day-to-day – so you don’t know a few things about me. One is that I don’t cry. I’m a softie for some things and my eyes will water over an injustice or something especially touching (bonus eye-watering for animals). But cry? Not a chance.

Having said this…I bawled like a kid who dropped her ice-cream cone. Right there in the front seat of her car. And I tried to explain…but the words weren’t right and she didn’t really “get” it – although she made a valiant effort.

I have never in my life had so many butterflies in my stomach. It’s a knot – there all the time. It’s like panic waiting to bubble up and boil over. Fear. I’m not good enough, smart enough, skinny enough, friendly enough, spiritual enough, loving enough, kind enough…anything. I’m not getting “it” – whatever “it” may be. It’s a fight every single minute of every single day to put on my ‘normal’ face and go through the motions. And none of that is rational.

My kids are great – Chickie is doing better than she has in years. Young Stud is… perfection (given that he is male and limited by that fact in itself). I have the most beautiful house I’ve ever owned. My job is OK.

But nothing feels like me – like it’s mine. I can’t remember who I am or what I want. I can only see outside of myself, not the inside. I am terrified that my boss/friend will be disappointed in me and dump me out of this job. And where will I be – what will I do? I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and for God’s sake I am 45 years old. I want a partner/lover/friend… but that sure doesn’t look very likely. I’m not good at playing by the rules…and playing outside the rules has not done me a whole lot of good.

And so where to go and what to do……I keep hoping the answer will just pop into my head. That happens all the time for other people. Come on – I read about it! Oh shit…….

All right. I’m going back to ‘normal’ now. Major pity party put on hold for the time being. And I’ll tell you guys JUST what I told Mercedes… you never saw any of this. I didn’t cry. And if you tell anyone I did – I’ll deny it to my death and haunt you afterwards. Anyone for chocolate?

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Oh, yes, the bawling-at-the-slightest-thing moods. Hmmmm. I’m having them frequently these days. Hormones? Perimenopause? Well, it’s a good thing to blame it on! Heaven forfend we should have real existential angst, for crying in a bucket! It’s so scary to feel this way. What do you do that’s all about Sunshine? What is your passion? What makes you tick?

Maybe your sis forgot to turn on her energy field. Isn’t it great to be tall? It’s hard to find significant others, isn’t it. So how do we learn to be happy, to flourish all by ourselves==that is the question. Well, me–I write and I chase greyhounds and I have a job and I cook…..what do you do that gives life meaning? I’m going to shut up now.

Mns
October 1, 2002

good entry, SW! the very heart of you… and alot of us. you’re always an enjoyable read, no matter what. i’m still looking at a blank wall, i’m afraid i have nothing near as interesting to write.. *ponders*.. course, i could tell you about the most gigantic and ugly bug in the whole wide world that was behind my bookshelf.. lol~

I could so relate to the knot, just waiting to bubble over. The fear and all that. I’m always in panic mod, but if you met me you’d never know. People say I’m so strong and of course I always have the happy face on. I don’t know how to make it go away, but a good cry never hurt anyone. Okay it’s not great when your wearing makeup, and the face does get puffy but it’s still a good thing! ~hugs~

RYN: LMAO! Yeah, that old “meaninfulness” crap–what’s a person to do about it, huh? Cripey, it’s hard enough for me just to get out of bed in the morning, how the hell am I gonna find meaning!!! LOL!

I knew you weren’t a cryer. You’re far too fond of the wicked stories and not the mushy ones. 😉 And I’m fine, dearest. Pop into my blog on my webpage any time you think I’ve vanished. It’s so quick for me to zip an entry there–I never have to worry about the site being down. Ahem. With an adoring grin…T, eternally U

*~*Lady Moon*~*
October 1, 2002

I have been through that to…what your sis experienced. That is so crazy, people talking to all around (and yes, I know they see me) (er, or perhaps I am working to hard on my “to be invisibly invisible”).

*~*Lady Moon*~*
October 1, 2002

cont It is like they are talking over your head. In my case it is some kind of “jealousy” (the girl-to-girl envie) heard of it? 🙂 but sometimes perhaps it is something different? WHat do you and SIS think? I mean you are sisters and I can “see” you are some allike each other, why treat one differently…hmmmm…..RYN – LMAO! medical! yeah! :~} That would look WEIRD EH! LOL! Love t

*~*Lady Moon*~*
October 1, 2002

cont I love ur shing you, and the adorable clothing! ;} (now, figure out that 1 dearest) LOVE

*~*Lady Moon*~*
October 1, 2002

*SHINING* no shing (a kind of I ching)wonders….LMAO sorry for all notes, I could get it shorter!

you are not FLUFFY> my brain is fluffy after taking the baby darvacet 100 in the hospital they gave me 500. i fell and puolled stuff gtring to get out bed, and see whta the drugs do to my typing. ANyway will you and your woo woow sister say some prayers for toad. he is beyond frustrated with how much one has to do to take care of somebody and do the barest minimum for food, laundry etc. POOR toad!

i can’t go mail you chocolate for three very good reasons. 1. i am not allowed to drive to the post office or the store. 2. we don’t have chocolate that didn’t get stuck in teh cabinet with the mint chocolate and it all reaks of that even if yo ulike mint chocolate, it’s just too much. 3. you frogot to email me to care2.com or palm.net your NEW ADDRESS so how could i even send a new wolf house car

OMG…I swear to you I can relate to this. And I’m definitely not the weepy, wallowing type either. There are just some times you get TOTALLY blind sided by that stuff that’s lurking. Having just recently had an episode almost just like the above…I hear you on this one. (((SW))) ~:) ArtImp, nsi

Nectar
October 1, 2002

When I feel those emotions I grab them up and feel them for as long as I can because that helps me to rid myself of them forever…sometimes when you are gifted you carry feelings for others and I got the distinct impression that you were carrying some emotions of your sisters which was why they were talking to you at that time…love you already XOXOXOX

That was a very touching story. I personally recommend falling apart much more often. Even though I haven’t fallen apart yet over my last ordeal, I know it’s coming, and when it does, I know there will be some sort of…. release. Don’t you want that release? It’s good FOR you. I’m very private about when I fall apart and don’t do it in public AT ALL, but privately, I give myself permission.

aquaphoric
October 1, 2002

*hugs* sometimes you just need to… oh wait… you didn’t do anything, right ;);) I hope you work things out. It’s hard putting on a front for everyone, and probably not healthy. But before you come after me (even though i’m not exactly the smallest 16 year old in school) I don’t remember anything about this entry! I have been brainwashed! hahahaha.

I think you need some (((hugs))) And yes, I could use some chocolate, you have some extra? I think that the move and everything has just put you out of sorts for a while, I’m sure you will start to feel more normal soon.

been there, done that, denied it. just breathe.

Wow Sunshine – you sound so much like me its no wonder we’ve become friends. Its also so weird that we often see ourselves in ways no one else does. Reading you like this I know your worries and thoughts are real but I gotta tell you your friends probably think you’re perfect.. er… did I say probably – I meant – you’re perfect and the answers will drift in when you’re not looking 😉

ryn Thank you as ever to you with such nice words from you I can go about my day happily perhaps even go to a Home Show! Tho I prefer garden shows…Crazy for plants etc….Alex

ermentrude
October 3, 2002

It happens to me every so often when something little, stupid, insignificant sets me off. Straws and camels backs and all that. You’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years, being made redundant twice, moving state twice. You have to take care of everything and you brain needed realease. Your secret’s safe with me, and mail me your address so I can send you Cadbury’s FnN ok:-)

reyn, he turned plaid. IE he’s scots. they are cheap. they rub two pennies together till they are smaller bits of copper. 🙂 He bought this palace tho. 🙂 HE will not buy me a truck. i have to sell books he said to get one. *sigh*

Make mine dark chocolate, please. 🙂

lisyl
October 3, 2002

I’m a believer in delayed grief and things that don’t come up from the subconscious until you’re at a place where you can deal with them. *big hug*

Mns
October 3, 2002

hey! just signed on, your name is bold.. got something behind a closed door? 🙂

Thank you dear Sunny for your note and now off{inspired by you} for chocolate…alex

lifeisuhmistury
October 3, 2002

Im at the comp. wearing earplugs and shades as light and sound are killing my already aching doped up brain.Maybe I’m developing super powers and it hurts when they are kicking in?If so I will fly down and give you hugs in person.Hey,hey,I’m only 5″11″ but if I wear heels we’d BOTH be Amazons!Read that old entry resurrected again, always helps me!(((((I love you and offer ya hugs hugs)))))Paula

Here’s a BIG box of chocolates for you, Sunshine. :o) You surely deserve it. I totally sympathize! I was sooo embarrassed when the same thing happened to me a few years ago. But, you needed the emotional release. Better there than in a crowded room. …btw, I also understand how your sis feels. Sometimes I think I’m wearing a Klingon cloaking field. *warm hugs* {Ainekate}

Speaking of Murphy, I think it must be a Murphy’s Law kind of thing that when you’re shopping the employees pretend you aren’t there, but when you’re minding your own business and just looking, they are all over you.

know that feeling . why do we distrust ourselves so much ? we know we’re good and yet we always undermine and deny our ” goodness ” . we’re also under a lot more external pressure than ever before , terrorism , a state of seige , the possibility of war . sweetie , it decreases our coping abilities . dark european chocolate increases EVERYTHING 😉 HUGS

Wanna play with the pink dice with me? With a leering grin…T, U.

Willy & Wilma
October 7, 2002

Somehow, I empathized with you breaking down like that, Sunshine. Don’t loose confidence in yourself. It’s a new ball game for you but give it your best and everything will work out ok. You are GOOD at what you do and it will make money for your new boss. The love life will come

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