LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. FIRE!!

As I sat on my unmade bed, in my as yet unshowered morning glory, pondering my day ahead I heard a rumble that sounded like the garbage trucks making their way down the streets. Oh crap! I jumped up and ran for the back door. Today is garbage day and I have forgotten to put the cans by the curb! Blossom is barking, Sis is curling her hair , the TV is blaring and breakfast is smoking on the stove. I’m not worried about the breakfast cause it can’t be done yet – it isn’t charred. I hit the back door going 110 mph. It was locked, I ran into it, it didn’t open, I have bruises.

After negotiating the lock, I snatch up my bin of recyclables with my left hand and hook the handle of the garbage can with my right. I deftly opened the side gate latch using only my teeth and burst out onto the sidewalk in time to plop my trash curbside and scurry back inside before anyone noticed that I was wearing my stylish woven clogs with paint stained too short, too tight sweat pants and a grease stained USA sweatshirt. Not only that, but I had beaten the garbage men to the punch – they were nowhere in sight!

Feeling victorious (and trying to catch my little thug kitty before she could get into the house through the door I had left swinging in the breeze as I raced the garbage truck) I headed back inside. Something was bothering me though. Where were those garbage trucks I had heard rumbling down the street? I paused to listen for them. What I heard was NOT garbage trucks. I heard what sounded like a voice amplified through a megaphone. I couldn’t exactly make out the words, but that was definitely a voice! And it had a rather harsh tone to it. I looked up at the sky a little annoyed. Come on, God! I was only a little LATE getting the garbage out – and I still beat the garbage men! No need to scold me publicly! I promise to put the cans out Thursday NIGHT so I won’t worry you on Friday, OK?

But that wasn’t the voice of God droning on. I went through the house and opened the front door to hear “LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. FIRE! LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. FIRE!” robotically and clearly blaring at me. Huh? There’s no fire…what the….???

When in doubt, go back to auto-pilot. I started looking down the street for the garbage truck while LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.FIRE! blared on in the background. I spied it just two houses down. When did they paint the garbage trucks red? And isn’t it nice that they have finally put hoses on the side of the garbage truck to clean up all that spilled trash? Maybe they’ll hose down my cans!! But when did the garbage men start wearing firefighter uniforms? HELLS BELLS – that’s a FIRE TRUCK! “LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.FIRE!” suddenly took on an actual meaning. Should I leave? Where’s the fire? Blossom, where are you? Do I have time to take a shower first? I really don’t look my best…and if one is going to be rescued, one has a certain responsibility to look good enough so that the rescuer doesn’t regret his efforts!

I looked back at the neighbor’s house. The firemen were gathered in the driveway chatting. How they could hear each other over the blaring LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. FIRE! is beyond me, but they seemed deeply engrossed in conversation. Probably talking about who was gonna fix lunch back at the firehouse since they had determined that there was no actual fire. Apparently the neighbors’ alarm system speaks. How odd is that? I’ve never heard of a system like that! Since there was no actual fire, I can only assume the system got pissed off at someone and started sounding off?? And does it speak in case of a break-in? LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. ROBBER, RAPER, REJECT! And just how smart is this system? What if the neighbors argue in over-loud voices? LEAVE IMMEDIATELY – PISSED OFF PEOPLE! Is there a terrorist warning? LEAVE IMMEDIATELY – LETTER BOMB AND ANTHRAX! I think technology is amazing…but sometimes I really wonder about our priorities, ya know?

As a small footnote to this entry (because I am not a big sports fan, but some things are just too amazing to ignore) the Buccaneers are going to the Super Bowl! 27 years – and they finally made it! You cannot even begin to imagine the level of excitement here – 27 years of pent-up football fanatic frustrated enthusiasm….frightening. The best sign I’ve seen was on a business storefront yesterday-capitalizing on the Bucs 27 year role as underdogs supreme: “IT WAS A COLD DAY IN HELL. BUCS 27, EAGLES 10.” You gotta love crazed sports fans. Go Bucs!! (SuperBowl party at my house this weekend!!)