I Could NEVER Make This Stuff Up

I have now spent 6 days as a substitute teacher. These 6 days, I have decided, qualify me as a seasoned professional. Sit back and read…

My first job was at a high school – in the Media Center. For anyone who isn’t up on the current lingo… a Media Center is what used to be known as a “Library”. Apparently the addition of computers means that the “Library” is now a Media Center. What’ll they think of next? I was to substitute for the Media Specialist. Can you guess what a Media Specialist is? That’s right… the professional formerly known as Librarian. Did you even KNOW that they hire substitutes for Librarians? Live and learn, folks. Live and learn.

I was a little relieved that my first assignment would be a relatively easy one. I love libraries…er, Media Centers I mean. They’re full of really cool things – things that I love: Books and computers. On top of that, I was going to have to spend an entire day working with kids making sure they knew how to use both books and computers. The great Goddess of Substitute Teachers was surely watching over me! The other ladies who worked there were pleasant and intelligent and very enjoyable to work with. They did seem a bit surprised by the fact that I have quite a good brain and caught on to everything they showed me or asked of me instantly. Apparently this is not always the case when one is a substitute. All in all, it was a pleasant day that went by quickly and didn’t leave me too exhausted. As a matter of fact…they even inquired if I might want a job there permanently since one of them is contemplating not returning after this school year. Imagine that!

For day two my summons was to yet another school…and yet another media center. Librarian, Day 2 – the Return of the Media Specialist. I had mixed emotions. I was happy to have a second relatively easy day, but I was a little disappointed as well. I wanted to put on my helmet and jump into the trenches!

Remember the saying “Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it?” Well I remembered it…too late. When I got to the school they asked me if I minded switching. Although it was phrased as a question, the inflection was a command. Instantly I became an Anatomy and Biology sub. Things went pretty well…until the class when unearthly noises began issuing from one young lady’s purse. It was an excited chittering, squaling sort of sound. When I asked the young lady with the noisy purse just exactly WHAT it was that was causing the commotion, she reached into her purse and brought out some sort of cute little rodent. A flying squirrel…or something. A tiny baby one. It was really cute, but really freaking out about being at school and stuffed in a purse. Not quite conducive to a calm and peaceful classroom experience. You gotta love kids.

The next day I was back at the same school…but this time I actually got to be Media Woman. No rodents. Only two slightly psychotic women who didn’t know if they were coming or going and hated each other fairly thoroughly. What a lot of fun I had dodging the barbs they threw at each other all day long! And their “boss” who came in to see if they needed any help which, as near as I could see, meant he sat in the office and read the newspaper. THAT was a LOT of help, let me tell you!

OK. Day 4 back at the Dragons. I had Health classes all day…in a portable…in the back of the school…about as far away from any other human contact as is possible. I was having a hell of a time just checking the roll…what happened to Tommy, Timmy, John, Aaron, Chuck, Ben and George? Or Alice, Paula, Christy, Ellen, Valerie, Kathy and Gwen? I can pronounce ALL of those names. Oh no. Today’s kids were named Dianelys, Anika, Kalen, Tertavian, Yomaira, Almando, Jovi, Malikah, Ananis, Javacia, Shekima, Yasmany, Clarison, Delton and Aristides. Any PLEASE don’t ask me to remember which names were male and which female!!!

OK – Check the lesson plans…Board work, vocabulary work…and a video on GANGS. Oh yeah. Just what I needed to see…4 times. The average life expectancy of a gang member is age 19. You earn respect and show love by beating the holy crap out of each other. AND my personal favorite… The ultra UBER COP squad to combat gangs…which was nothing more than a slightly more sophisticated, better trained and legally armed………GANG. Is ANYBODY paying attention to what we’re really teaching our kids?

Days 5 and 6 – at a Middle School. My first venture to one of those. It is also the first school I remember my mother teaching at. That was 35 years ago. And do you know that the ladies in the office told me that they STILL get mail addressed to her? Heh.

By the way…all 8th graders should be shot on sight. There is nothing more insidiously evil than an 8th grader…and 8th grade girls are at the top of that pile! I was asked if I am a member of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee for those of you who don’t remember YOUR middle school insults). Then they were actually surprised that I knew what that means. Puh-lease! I was threatened with a law suit for not allowing a girl to leave class to go potty. I was informed that I was “SERIOUSLY TRIPPIN’” when I required that they sit down, shut up and do their assignment. 75% of them made no effort to even take out a book or a piece of paper and a pencil. YET when they got their midterm grades for this grading period today…they were all madder than a bunch of frustrated little banty roosters. You see…out of 5 math classes, there were at MOST 6 students who had a grade higher than an F. Yep. Hmmmmmmmm. Who’s trippin’ now, kids?

Just when they thought they had me nailed as a mean OLD crabby white woman who only knows classical music….somebody muttered a few song lyrics.

“Nelly”, says I.
“What you say?”, demanded the grammatically challenged, failing math students.
“Nelly”, I repeat.
“How you know that?”, they ask.
I gave them a smug and mysterious smile.
“Would you like to talk about Outkast, Fabolus, Ludakris, Missy Elliott, 50 Cent, Alicia Keyes, or TuPac?

Stunned Silence. They were so shocked that I was apparently familiar with “their” music that they actually forgot to be haughty and insolent….and sat down quietly doing their work. Damn, I’m good. And Damn…I won’t be able to work that little surprise into every class……. but don’t count this OLD crabby white woman