Dread

Apprehension is a bit like a weed. If you let it take hold, it grows and spreads and its roots take hold. Pretty soon all you see is the weed and the garden is lost. With apprehension, if you’re not a mindful gardener, all you will see is your fear while losing sight of all the beauty. I have had a couple of lessons in how to be a more mindful gardener this week.

My daughter needed a new dress. Her school was taking the 7th grade to go see the Nutcracker and the girls were to wear nice dresses yet still dress within the school’s dress code. We bought her new outfit over 3 nights since I get home so late and my foot is still painful. The first night we found a beautiful skirt. It is long and black the only decoration on it is a beautifully ornate dragon in silver and maroon appliqued and embroidered on the bottom. It’s not a large dragon, placed off center, and looks rather elegant. Oh yes – the skirt has a slit on either side – just reaching up to the knees.

The next night we found a plain black blouse. It has an over-layer of sheer black material which has maroon dragons all through it. Those dragons set off the skirt dragon very nicely. The sleeves are unlined and sheer.

On shopping trip number three we found a pair of black platform shoes with some embroidery on them. Wearing them, my daughter is nearly as tall as I am! (The shoes are not so high, I just realized my daughter is growing!!!). They are slip-on shoes with no back.

We got home, she put on the outfit and looked lovely. Of course she looked lovely – what mother would think her daughter doesn’t look lovely? Then my fears began to take hold. There are slits in the skirt – will the school consider that appropriate? They are no higher than her knees, and that’s within dress code, but…….And what about the blouse? It has sheer sleeves! Sheer clothing is banned. But surely they don’t mean sheer sleeves! The rest of the blouse is quite respectable – no plunging necklines or skin peeking out. It’s long enough. But the sleeves are sheer. And what about those shoes? Are backless shoes allowable? We have been in other schools where they are strictly forbidden. Oh dear.

Off she went to school. Off I went to work. All day long I kept waiting for the phone to ring telling me my daughter couldn’t go to see the Nutcracker because she was inappropriately dressed. Understand, I did not feel she was inappropriately dressed, but after so many run-ins with her school this year (remember the hair episode?) I wasn’t sure I knew what appropriate was in THEIR minds. I worried and waited. All for naught. No complaint was made and a good time was had by all. Whew!

Episode #2 was with Bear. For weeks I have been dreading telling him what I know to be true – I need my space and it’s time for him to move out of my apartment. I kept trying to find the right words, the right time. Nothing ever felt “right”. I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings. I didn’t know if we’d have a scene. I thought he might get angry. I didn’t want to deal with any sort of confrontation. Last night I gathered my ‘gumption’ and went for it. I told him it was time to rethink our living arrangement. When he asked what I wanted, I explained that I need time alone and it is driving me nuts having another person in what I consider “my space”. He asked if I wanted him to move out. I said yes. He asked if he has a time limit. I said ASAP. He said ok.

Sooooo, here I am. The two things I have obsessed about, dreaded, feared, and worried over are now in the past and it seems that I could have used all that energy consumed by dread, fear and worry for something else. Maybe something like…….getting a Christmas tree and decorating the apartment. Yep – that’s on the list for today – and I refuse to dread the project that’s going to be! I’ve learned my lesson, at least for the moment.