Blue Monday…A Little Late In the Week
I’m missing someone. Maybe several someones.
This morning I was talking to a co-worker and we were comparing backgrounds…where we’d lived and our families and the like. Somewhere in that I mentioned my grandmother. Much to my surprise this bubble kind of floated up from somewhere in my middle. It didn’t actually pop, but it did cause me to fight back the tears in my eyes. Then somehow my mom got mentioned…and I had another bubble-fest.
I started to go all nostalgic for my mom and grandma…but then I realized that it’s not them I’m missing. Not per se. OF COURSE I wish I still had both of them here every day, but it’s not their physical bodies I miss. It’s that feeling of being loved. Yep. That’s gotta be it, because as I typed that out – another bubble erupted. Dang good thing there are no kids in my classroom right now. They have only seen me with tears in my eyes once – because I was ANGRY. That freaked them out quite a lot. Big teachers don’t cry. And I’m the biggest.
OK. Control restored, bubble sent off, vision cleared.
Please don’t think that I am ungrateful for what I have. I know that many of my students love me. Heck – some of them even tell me they do. I know my dad loves me… and my kids…and my sister.
But see – in my book, love doesn’t place demands, it’s not mean or abusive, its not controlling. It doesn’t ignore you unless it wants something. It doesn’t require cash.
This is no pity party. I know I have a lot of strengths and I appreciate them. There’s plenty that’s good and loveable about me. (INCLUDING the fact that I am just not the "normal" woman that people tend to expect and value). And, as I said, I am not unloved. I know that. At least my brain knows that….but my heart isn’t feeling it. My heart just hurts.
And so, as much as most of my writings have a taste of tongue-in-cheek humor about them – this one is totally lacking in anything even faintly resembling a smile. I just can’t dig deep enough today. I don’t even want to try that much digging.
Its kind of cold and grey today. Maybe that’s the overriding factor in my mood.
My stomach is a little queasy – maybe THAT’s the primo reason.
Or maybe I just need……………..something.
Lets see. Three jobs. Fights with Chickie. An ass for an ex husband. Financial difficulties. Daily demands at school. Endless paperwork. Time to take a load off, Sunshine. Time to be your own mother and grandmother. Time to love yourself. I know that empty feeling. I started the fix by learning to say “No”, starting at home. Even SuperWoman can’t do it all. xoxoxo
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((hugs)) I know what you are feeling. 🙂
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Well, if I were there, I’d mother you for a bit. We all need it sometimes . . . and it’s scary when you *are* the Senior Generation in your line. What would comfort be for you? Chicken noodle soup and cartoons? Being wrapped in a quilt and seated in front of a crackling fire? A long walk to look for Spring Beauties? Someone braiding your hair? Do it for yourself, on behalf of mom & grandma. (c)
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You’ll feel them as you do – unconditional love doesn’t die. (hug)
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I miss that too, Sun. It leaves a hole and even when we’re pretty good at covering them, they peek out now and then. I remember what my grandma smelled like and the memory is comforting, like her love was. Its okay to be little now and then, we need a break from being strong. *hugs*
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There’s nothing like a mum. However many other loved ones in your life, no-one can ever do the unconditional mum-love in quite the same way.
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*hugs*
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Aw, ((hugs)).I know what you’re feeling. One of my aunts said (when HER mother died) that she felt like she lost the one person who ALWAYS loved her, no matter what. We all get those feelings; it’s ok to write them out. Good for a person, even, to acknowledge them and then cast about for something to make them feel better. If you smile, I will let you borrow my goony teaparty hat. 🙂
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(((hugs))) I love Bevin’s note – and she’s right, isn’t she. Life is handing you quite a battering; no wonder you feel blue! That love from others is never eternal and when we need it most it sometimes isn’t there. But we always have ourselves; our self-respect, our self-love can ease a lot of pain.
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nothing like a mama’s and grandmothers love.. nothing. ::huge big hugs::
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You need a hug {{{Sunshine Wolf}}}. Sometimes we just gotta get the blues. I hope they pass soon. hugs…
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I love you. I know it’s not the same, but there you are. With a warm smile…
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Same in my book, and I do think it is a basic human need, and you did experience it in a real way with two women who are (I believe) still loving you very much, but it IS hard to keep going all the days without feeling that from someone on earth. Especially the older we get. Especially after a greater amount of stress. Any gals you could go hot-tubbing with? 🙂
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Saw you note to Roof On Fire, and that you are a teacher, so am I. I teach junior and senior English in a rural town in Arizona. I loved what you wrote on the front page of your diary. I explain to my kids all the time that school is a game, learn the rules, play them and you will get through. Will have to read more of you soon. Later, r
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Some days you just need their special brand of comfort. ((hugs)) 🙂
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I love you if it’s any consolation…. There’s nothing I can say but just send you some hugs across the pond.
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I still have my parents, but I know the day is coming when I won’t have the two people that love me no matter what. I dread that day more and more.
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chocolate? would that help? 🙂 yes, its perfectly ok to have those moments but they can bubble up at the most inconvenient times, can’t they? {gentle hugs}
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*ryn* But can you watch a mime without wincing? lol We talked about clowns all day today too. Tink is just amazed, she really thought I was simply certifiable. Have to admit, though, it was comforting to know I have company in case those creepy critters get out of line.
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RYN: Thank you. I love hearing from you.
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I am sending you a hug with the warmth of those who have passed folded into it.
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*ryn* Ya think? lol All my lofty ideas of having this wonderful little dog and I realize she has the same designs on me. She’ll win, she’s smarter. lololol
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Just dropping in, post-entry. With a smile…
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Not all mothers and grandmas give unconditional love. You were lucky to have these fine women in your life. They probably had something to do with your ability to give so much of yourself to those around you. Even here you give laughter, share your students, take the time to leave notes to us. Its understandable that youd miss their love and acceptance. Im sad that you’re sad.
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I think someone like me, who is not in a relationship, sometimes just aches for a hug from someone they love and who loves them back. I haven’t had one of those in a long while.
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I’m sure I can speak for many when I say, we love your smiles, but you gotta “bubble” sometimes too.
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(((Wolfie))) I totally understand. We all need to have that loved feeling in our lives. No one can love us like our moms or grandma’s and when they’re gone we miss that feeling. I know it probably doesn’t help much, but we all love you. I think you are an amazing woman! *with a big warm hug*
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