Adventures in Fine Copying

Saturday morning I thought I had a few copies to make, so I headed off to Kinkos expecting to spend perhaps an hour. I realized soon after I got there that I had more than a few copies to make. 9872 copies to be exact. Sounds like fun, right? Well maybe “fun” isn’t the exact appropriate word…

My marathon started in the usual manner for me. The first machine I try to use ALWAYS malfunctions within minutes of me starting my sojourn. Today proved no different. Paper jam. Clear the jam. 5 copies. Paper jam. Clear the jam. 8 copies. Paper jam… I moved to the next machine over where I was able to continue my copying relatively uninterrupted as I watched 47 other people successfully complete their copy jobs without so much as a single paper jam at the machine I had deserted.

After a single incident where my new copy machine printed 44 copies with nary a spot of actual ink on them was resolved (said resolution involving the Kinkos clerk delicately questioning my sanity) my copies were running themselves without my assistance so I sat down and indulged myself in a bout of people watching. Allow me to share…

At the Help Desk was an older woman. She was very thin and her head was adorned by a sassy short haircut that seemed a bit incongruous with the look of permanent perplexity stamped on her face. She was requesting that they print her up an invitation. Of course, she didn’t know what she wanted it to look like or exactly what she wanted printed on it… The clerk offered to send her request out to a designer. The woman looked more perplexed. The clerk looked equally perplexed. There they stood – staring at each other with blank looks. I don’t actually know how long that went on because my attention was diverted when a little girl and her mother came in.

Mom was there to make a few copies. The child looked to be about 10 or 12 and was a Downes Syndrome child. While Mom made copies, she drew spider-web designs on a piece of lavender paper with a yellow hi-liter. She finished her drawing about the same time Mom finished copying. She was so very proud it and delighted with herself. Mom paid and the two of them left hand-in-had, with the daughter tightly clutching two pieces of lavender paper to her chest.

Next to make an appearance was a group of burn-out stoners. Finally – some REAL entertainment! One wore a t-shirt with the sleeves torn out and a red/white/blue bandanna tied around his head. Another had a head as bald as a cue ball and was hiding behind very dark sunglasses. Stoner #3 was near 60 years old and had a long gray pony-tail to emphasize that point. The had dragged a young man along with them – one of their sons maybe – who had the look of a high-school football player who is long on athletic talent but quite short in day-to-day living skills.

As a group they were pretty entertaining. The man-handled and beat the 3-hole punch into submission by pure brute force. About the time they thought they were ready to go, Mr. Bandanahead yells out “Hang on, man. Something didn’t work”. While they tried to figure out what didn’t work, Football Boy fished out a pack of cards and began playing solitaire on the top of a paper storage cube. As they finally figured out what didn’t work and, presumably, made it work I heard Cueball proclaim “That was fun – and I learned a lot!” Isn’t there a joke about how many burned-out stoners does it take to……?

Enter an Elton John look alike. Really. Back when he had that BAD square hair cut with the really BAD blond color. He was even sporting tinted glasses and was garbed completely in black. Black shirt, black shoes, black pants. It’s 102 in the shade… and Elton has on all black. Apparently he was there to buy some cards. He spent quite a bit of time carefully going through Kinkos’ entire selection – all 30 or so – and judiciously picking out the exact right ones for whatever the occasion was. I have never even considered passing up the Hallmark store to run into Kinkos for cards. Silly me.

There’s a lull in the people comings and goings so I look around the store. There are 3 philodendrons hanging from the ceiling over one row of copy machines. They all had yellow leaves and were drooping a bit. In the far corner was a prayer plant which had an even more pathetic philodendron suspended above it. And in yet another corner, wedged between a light table and the poster machine was a camphor tree. Wow – talk about ambience! I bet people flock in just to absorb the atmosphere.

There’s a woman over at the REALLY BIG copy machine making what appear to be signs. She looks like the caricature of a librarian – big saggy chest, clothing conservative to the point of being dull, sever pony-tail and sensible shoes. So what’s on the really big signs? “OFFICER _______ USES EXCESSIVE FORCE” “OFFICER ________PLANTS DRUGS ON INNOCENT PEOPLE” “JUDGE ________ ABUSES WOMEN, ABUSES DRUGS, ABUSES THE OFFICE” “THE CITY COUNCIL PROTECTS THE POLICE NOT THE PEOPLE” “CHIEF________ INJURES THE INNOCENT BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LIKE THE MESSAGE ON A SIGN” As she took her rolled up posters and left in her 4-door Lexus sedan, there were 2 thoughts in my mind. One was – you sure don’t look like you’d know about anything on any of those signs and the other was So, if the deputy doesn’t like your signs and you feel injured – why are you making more?

My copies were about through. I just had time to notice a bored business man sitting at a table absorbed in his palm pilot and the consummate absent-minded professor type (Birkenstocks, wrinkled shorts, Einstein hair style) who was copying blueprints. Out the window I noticed a combination Citgo/Subway. Cool. Two ways to get gas in a single stop!

The copies were done… the machine was gasping for breath and calling out for toner. I packed up my copies and headed for home. Who knew that 5 hours at Kinkos could be so entertaining? So, next Saturday, if you’re not doing anything…. check it out!