Thoughts

I don’t know what it was.  A couple days ago I decided to have a party the night of the Inauguration.  I set myself up for failure, planning it so late, and on a day when most people have to work the next day.  But, some people came, and it was okay.  Although it wasn’t a "blast" like I’d hoped, it went well.  But that’s not the thing that has me so emotional tonight. 

Although I wasn’t "there", on the Mall, I was less than 4 miles away from, and witnessed such an historic event, I can’t help but be emotional.  I truly, honestly hope that with the election of President Obama, all racism in America can be wiped out.  People are people, no matter what!  That is all there is to it.  I don’t, and have never known any person who was trying to hold another race down, or keep them from succeeding.  On the contrary, most of the people I know would be happy to see any of their friends succeed, white, black, blue, grey, yellow, red…  You get the idea.  I have been blessed with many, many great friends throughout my life.  Right now some of my bestest friends are dealing with a grave illness of a nephew.  I have met this young man, and have the utmost respect and well wishes for him.  To me, it seems like everyone he meets is blessed for having known him.  His presence seems that powerful to me.  Although the world will be diminished when he is no longer a part of it, it will still be a better place for him having been here.  I take solace in that right now.  If and when it happens, though, I will still grieve, severely.  For him, for my friends, for his parents, for everyone who has been blessed to know him, including myself.  Someone so good deserves so much more. 

But he’s not the only thing that has had me thinking.  Last year, when I was working at the other law firm, I was asked by a coworker to put up some crown molding in her apartment.  I had installed a new dishwasher for her, so it wasn’t a huge thing for her to ask me to do something for her.  So we made plans, but it was a little while before we went and purchased the materials needed to get started.  I noticed she hadn’t been at work much, but didn’t pay it any mind.  Finally, she called, and we went to get the materials.  We took the materials up to her apartment, and she made us some lunch.  While we were having lunch, she told me she was sick.  She said it was the same type of cancer her sister had had, but she wouldn’t tell me what kind it was.  (I found out later it was bladder cancer).  She had been diagnosed about a month before, in March.  She also told me that her sister chose not to have the surgery which could have removed it all.  Her sister only lived for a year and a half without the surgery, so Deb was determined to have the surgery.  Unfortunately, she was found to be slightly diabetic, so she had to get that under control before she could have the surgery.  So she was working on getting that under control. 

I was back and forth working on her crown molding and other minor jobs quite a bit over the summer.  I watched her deteriorating before my eyes.  This tall, strong woman I knew, was becoming a weak shell of the person I knew.  I believe it was in August the last time I went to her house and finished up the work.  She slept most of the time I was there.  I was haunted by the look of her.  She had the same look my Grandmother had, back in 2004, when she died.  I was concerned, and scolded her for not eating and taking care of herself.  She said she hadn’t eaten in 3 days.  I tried to get her to eat something, even offered to go out to get something for her.  She denied that, and I actually watched her eat a frozen juice popsickle.  She had another one ready to eat it when I left.  That was on Saturday.  On Monday, I went to work.  Another coworker, friend had been over there on Sunday and pulled me aside to ask me my opinion of how Deb was doing.  I said she isn’t good, and told her she looked like my Grandmother did before she died.  This friend agreed, and took the ball in her hands and called Deb’s doctor.  She asked him if he could call her and have her come in for a checkup, because we both agreed, Deb would not call.  The doctor called Deb and had her come in on Wednesday.  She was admitted immediately.  The other coworker and I agreed we may have saved her life.  The week before I got laid off, Deb passed away.  Her sons came from Chicago to collect her things and get her affairs in order.  I had never met them before, and did not want to meet them now.  I did not want to talk to them.  The times I had with Deb, working on her apartment, really brought us closer together.  She confided things in me that she did not have to.  On more than one occasion, she told me how much she truly appreciated everything I had done for her, accompanied with tears.  We really connected as two humans. 

We had never been that close at work before I started helping her on her apartment.  I offered assistance where I felt it was needed once I started finding out how much she needed it.  I told her to call me for anything at all, even if it was just to have someone come by and sit with her for a while.  I felt she was going through it all alone, and that is just not right.  If I can help her get through it, who am I to deny her that solace? 

I don’t know how you all feel about things like this, but I believe the deceased can "visit" or send messages to us still.  I believe I was visited by my Mother’s sister, at their other sister’s 50th wedding anniversary.  It wasn’t anything spooky or anything.  I was standing in the rented party tent in the backyard, when someone just put their hand on my shoulder and squeezed, as if to let me know they were standing there, behind me.  I turned to see who it was, but nobody was there.  Immediately Audrey came to my mind.  A calm came over me, and I smiled, knowing she was there, looking over me.  I wasn’t the only person she has visitted.  She came to Mom in a dream, and assured Mom she was alright.  Mom said they sat and talked for like 45 minutes, before Audrey said she had to go, and Mom woke up.  Audrey’s son and daughter in law had been "visitted" as well. 

I feel Deb has been visting me, and is watching over me now too.  The depression I’ve been in the past year has been aided by lots of factors, all of which, I can’t even begin to name.  But since I’ve started this new job, which, by the way, I’m not elated about, I’ve started coming out of my depression, and Deb continues to come into my mind.  I am seeing the world and my life with more clarity than I have had in quite a while.  It’s almost like putting on a pair of glasses for the first time, and seeing the difference, exclaiming, "Wow!!!  I DID need glasses!".  I almost feel like Deb has been making me aware of my depression, and helping me rise out of it.  No, I DO believe she is.  We were not that close, that I should be thinking about her this much, if she wasn’t watching over me.  I think she was touched by my helping her, and she is helping me now.  I am being blessed still by a good person, even after she’s gone from this world. 

Some may consider me crazy for believing this.  I’m okay with that.  I’ll take my blessings where I can get them.