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this is a continuation of the last entry, so if you haven’t read that, please go back and read that one first.

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He was the first of my generation to pass away, other than a child who passed away before I was born. The other was 2 years old, and was his brother. I don’t remember what caused that death, but I never knew him, so it’s all part of history for me. This one was someone I knew, respected, and cared for. I actually lived with his parents for a short while after college, and got to know him even better than before while I lived with is parents. It’s hard to believe that he will not be there when I go home next time. His death has affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

Then there is my younger brother, over in Iraq. His guard unit, from the frozen tundra, works alongside another unit from the frozen tundra. One of the young men from that other unit was killed last month by the people he was there to protect and help. That just hits me too close to home. My younger brother was able to call home on Dad’s birthday. He talked to Dad and wished him a happy birthday, then he talked to Mom. He told Mom that he’s not sure his kids will recognise him when he gets home. When he left, he was 185-190 pounds. He said he now weighs around 150 pounds. He said it’s not because he isn’t eating, but because he is literally sweating it out. When he was talking to Mom, it was 8 PM where he was, and the temperature was still 140 degrees. I don’t think he has even been over there 6 months. When I was driving through the town he lives in, which has an Air Force Base, a kid from the base flew past me on the road. I felt a great resentment for this kid, and other active duty military personnel who were here at home, living life as though nothing is wrong, yet my brother, who is in the National Guard, was over there, wasting away to nothing! I knew it was wrong to feel this way, but I couldn’t help myself. My brother has four kids, and he is missing out on a huge portion of their lives. His oldest kid is 8, and his youngest is not even 1 yet. I would like to be there to see how his youngest reacts when Daddy comes home. I know he won’t know him. How could he? He was only 5 months old when Daddy left. The next oldest is 3 now. Will he even remember Daddy? I think he will, but it still makes you wonder. Why is the National Guardsmen still over there, when there are active duty military here at home? This is very selfish thinking, I know, but I can’t stop myself from having these thoughts. I know my brother has chosen this life, and his wife is doing absolutely awesome with the house and the four kids. She has begun looking for a house to buy, and has found one she likes, and knows he will like. She’s put in an offer on it, and we are waiting to see what the sellers say. I also think about my friends who are still in the military. The ones I talk to regularily have not gone over there, but I don’t really want them to go over there either. It is the ones I don’t know who I think should be over there in harm’s way. I feel so bad, thinking these horrible thoughts. I’m just worried about my little brother, and his family. What would happen to my nephews and niece if he didn’t come home? How would they grow up? Would they know the awesome man who is their Daddy, and just how much he means to me? It’s easier to have a positive outlook on things, but when everything you hear seems to be bad news, it’s difficult to think positively. When my little brother left, I don’t even remember if our cousin had been diagnosed with cancer yet. Now he will be coming home, and our cousin is gone. He didn’t get a chance to talk to him before he passed away, to tell him good bye, or how much he really meant to us all. All of these things keep going through my mind, bringing me down. But it’s not really all that bad. I have been bringing up all the bad things, because these are the things I have been thinking about lately. I’m not really depressed about all of this. Sad, yes. Worried, yes. Stressed out, HELL yes! But, I do have good times, too. My roommate and her family are wonderful antidotes to my “down” moods. They all know how to cheer me up when I need it, and have been doing a wonderful job of it. They’re there when I need to just talk, and they allow me my quiet time when I need it. No hassles from them. Love is all I feel from them. I am thankful for their love. I hope I am as good at giving to them as they are at giving me what I need.

All in all, I’m stressed out now, but I am not entirely consumed by it. I THINK I am handling things fairly well. My roommate might have something else to say, but you’ll have to ask her about that. LOL

Thanks, everyone, for having the patience with me. I’ve been really bad about writing, and I know it. When things have me stressed, I sometimes don’t feel like writing about them. I’d rather be happy all the time! Life just doesn’t seem to work that way. This is going to pass, and the “old” SunshineGuy you all know will be back. You can bet on it. A little patience is all I ask. I haven’t forgotten about anyone, just taking a little down time….

(hopefully it won’t be long now)