Um.. Excuse me?

Wow it’s been forever eh?

Yesterday i had just got home from work and i was getting ready to head down to Paul’s for the night, i’d just got out of the shower, had avril lavigne blaring (*blushes* lol) and was blow drying my hair when someone knocks on my bedroom door.. I turn around, you’ll never guess who’s standing there……………………  WILL!!!!

I just stood there like O_O.  The last time i heard from Will was via email a couple of weeks ago when i told him he wasn’t welcome at my house, although he clearly did not absorb that info =

I turned my music off and was like "…….hi… You’re at my house :S"  He’s like "cmere, i wanna show you something"  I walk out behind him completely dumbfounded as he couldn’t have caught me more off guard!  Sitting in his car was this puppy that he’d got.. I do admit it was totally gorgeous.. It was collie x, it had big ears, paws and droopy eyes.  He named him Bear.  Sorta made sense then, he thought he’d use him to get me to talk to him.. I told him i had to get going and he left.  I’m still tripping out that he just waltzed into my house up to my room after me telling him he’s not welcome..

I freaked a little bit when he left.. About what Paul would think.. I had nothing to do with it but you have to admit it’s really fucking random to come out of no where.. I contemplated just not telling him, it’s not like he’d realise anyway.  But i knew i had to tell him.. I want him to know everything, and that i had nothing to do with it.. He was okay with it, just sorta like "why wont he leave you alone?"  He’s detirmined you gotta give him that!

I was getting wierd texts from this random number and it turns out it was Will.. Idiot *rolls eyes*
Things with Paul and i are really good.  Although they weren’t at their best during the weekend.  I was kinda contemplating telling him i just wanted to be friends..  That’s pretty big coming from me!  It just.. I dunno.. He was being completely harsh about everything and it just seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me.. I really didn’t get what was going on.. This was Thurs/Fri night.. Friday we went into town to do some xmas shopping, which is thought was what Paul wanted to do.. I was in town the other day with mum and could have done everything then.. But didn’t cause Paul said he wanted to go.  But he was acting like i dragged him there.. I felt hell bad.. I would’ve just gone by myself if i knew he was going to be like that.. Just saying stuff like "do we have to be here long" and "where are we going, what are we doing, i don’t want to be stuck in here just wandering"

So that was horrible, especially cause i’m pretty sure he wasn’t keen about being in town around everyone with me.. He asked if we could go to Eastlands instead (a smaller shopping centre) and he walked three feet in front of me everywhere we went.  Then on the way home we got KFC and had this huge fight over the stupidest thing ever.. Something to do with KFC, i was just sitting there like "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!" In the end i was like "argh shut up, like it even matters"  I was so frustrated and confused as to why he was yelling at me and he’s like "FUCK YOU don’t fucking talk to me like that, take me home then you can leave (we were in my car)  I was like, excuse me, no.  I was so unbelievably cut.. He was picking at me for everything.. We got back to his place and i went and sulked down in his room while he was upstairs on his comp.. I just listening to my iPod, drew, and msged Jacq for support.  I was over it by the time he came down to see me, the music helped heaps.

It was that night that i was seriously contemplating breaking all ties with him.. I think the absolute world of him.. And he’s just.. I dunno.. It upsets me when he treats me like that.. And most of the time i was wishing i was at home where i knew people actually wanted me there.  i felt like i was totally imposing on him, and he didn’t want me there at all!

But then the next morning, my alarm went off, i was wrapped in Paul’s arms, i went to get out of bed, and Paul grabbed me, pulled me back into bed and cuddled up to me, and everytime i went to get up he’d pull me back into bed with him.  I just don’t get it because some mornings he’s like this, and others, he wont have hugged me all night and get up without even saying good morning!

I left for work and told him to text me, which he didn’t do.  He had a breakfast for a mates birthday and then his work dinner, so i knew he’d be pretty drunk.  I didn’t contact him.. I decided i needed to back the fuck off, so i didn’t get so cut when he’s treating me like he does.. He msged me the next morning and asked me to come down after work that night, which i did.  Things were completely different!  I don’t know what it was.. But he wasn’t picking at me.. He wasn’t treating me like a stranger or that i wasn’t welcome.. He was really affectionate and wanted lots of attention from me!

We watched a couple of Eps of Nip/Tuck (one twice because we had sex during an ep and missed it all) and i left at probably half past eleven.. With much difficulty, as i was lying with Paul, trying not to fall asleep, and he didn’t want me to go.

He asked me down again yesterday (monday) after work as well.. And things were the same.. Really really good.. I stayed there last night (after the Will incident) and went to work from there this morning..

So i really don’t want to jinx it but things are really awesome.. Hopefully they’ll stay that way!  His parents are going away from the 10th to the 28th of Jan and he wants me to stay down there with him.. I’m really excited about it!  Jacq that also means that we can video call in privacy ; ) lol!

So lately i’ve started obsessing over my weight.. Like.. I’m not fat.. I’m aware that i’m not fat and i am smaller than most of my friends.. But i have a roll around my stomach.. And it disgusts me.. It was never that big before.. I could suck in and it’d be gone.. But it doesn’t go away anymore.. At all!  I HATE it.. I feel guilty everytime i eat something bad for me.. But i can’t stop.. i have no self control.. But i need to get rid of it.. I want to be thin.. I’ve never ever worried about my wieght, i’ve always eaten whatever the hell i wanted.. But right now.. I can’t get it out of my head.. And it does slightly worry me!

Jacq i really do hope you’re feeling better soon xxx Never forget how much i love you, which is a damn lot, no matter what!