Okay i’m slack **edit pic**

So it’s been ages.. I suck :p

**Sorry this entry has turned into one big winge**

Hm to be honest i don’t have much to update on.  Lately i’ve just been working days and at Paul’s of a night.

I think i’m starting to open my eyes with the Paul thing.  I’m soooo tired of being treated like crap.  Like he doesn’t in a lot of ways.. He’s really nice to me and make me feel special sometimes.. But the problem is that this is only when he feels like it.  Sometimes he picks fights where it wasn’t necessary and sometimes he’ll purposely let go of my hand or stop what he’s doing with me if it’s getting to affectionate.

This is perhaps coming from my jealous side.  So many of my friends are settling down with their boyfriends and are soooo happy with them.  Their boyfriends love them and they can tell them that whenever they want.  I’m pretty sure if i uttered the word love in front of Paul he’d either ignore me or tell me to leave lol..I’m kidding about the last one.. But wouldn’t put it past him to ignore me at all, the other night i sent him a msg saying i missed him and he wrote back saying he was bored.. Lol mmm feel that love.

Ultimately this is coming from Molly’s new guy.  Well i wouldn’t quite say her boy cause in honest truth i think she’s only amusing herself with him.. But he thinks the world of her.  He takes the good and the bad in her and he still thinks she’s awesome.  This guy has everything going for him.. He makes more in a week than i do in a year, he’s 22 and has a hot car but he’s not in all the stupid car clubs that Paul’s in, he thinks they’re all immature and not worth it.  To be honest i agree.  I agree because Paul is clearly ashamed to have me near them.  That is not something i want to be a part of.

This is another thing that is pushing me away.  Who the fuck is ashamed of someone they claim to care so much about?!  It doesn’t make sense and it hurts like hell.  I guarantee that he’d never come clubbing with me, purely because he’d have to show people that i’m with him.

This is all bullshit, and i’m finally starting to see that.  I want someone who wants ME too!!  If Paul cares so much.. Why are we in this fucked up situation!  Why am i such a secret?!  What does it matter?!  What the fuck can it hurt!!  It’s hurting me so much.. and i’m just about ready to stop it all.

It’d hurt like hell cause that boy means the god damn world to me.  But lets be honest here.  He doesn’t want me.  He just doesn’t want to be lonely, and maybe there are some feelings there for me.. but it’s clearly not enough for him.  If it were, something would have been done by now.

I deserve more than to feel that i’m not good enough for the guy i love.  Yes, i said it.  I love him, i always have.  But hey, doesn’t matter, i’m not able to tell him anyway.

I’m scared as hell to be thinking this, because a part from Mol, he’s my best mate.  And i know Paul would let me go if i said all this.  I’d give anything for him to tell me not to do this, that he DID want to work things out.  But he doesn’t.  We’re at our max.

Sometimes i wish that was enough for me.  I stay with him 5 nights a week most nights.. But i dread the weekends everytime thursday/friday comes around.  Cause i know i go back to being nobody then.  Enough is enough.. I need to gain enough strength to let him know this.  I am getting there.. So many things are pushing me towards it.

I want a guy who wants me as much as i want Paul.. I catch myself watching him sometimes, when he doesn’t know i am.. Just cause i love watching him.  When i hug him i never want to let him go.  I want someone to feel that way about me.. I want to look into his eyes and see him smiling, just because he’s looking at me.  I want him to take my hand in public and show me off to my friends and want to be around me all the time.. Even if it’s just sitting together talking, doing nothing at all.

To get that i think i need to let Paul go.  Because he’s never going to let that happen.  God i’m such a sook when it comes to him.. I already have tears in my eyes with the thought of having to let him go.  I wish he’d see me differently.. But he wont.  Argh.

** edit **  Pic of me and Paul from Codie’s (my lil bro)  18th 2 weeks ago