Mirror on the wall

Finally here to update. I don’t even know what I wrote about last, I might have to go check. Nothing exciting.

At the moment I feel, I don’t know if I would say down, I guess I just feel stuck. I just don’t know what I want, what I’m looking for. It’s all just tying together right now. I think it’s Bren, he’s getting to me this week. I don’t want to see him, I hate it. I can deal, I can pick up the pieces and move on, when he’s not around he doesn’t cross my mind. But he won’t let that happen.
I remember one time I was talking to him about it, how I hated when we weren’t talking and he’d always be around, walking past, finding excuses. He said, "Nah, not me, I love it, because if I can’t talk to you it’s the next best thing." Fuck you, do you always have to fucking think of yourself?!

I followed them into work yesterday, by them I mean him and the ex, clearly back together arriving in the same car together. I don’t care. I don’t. I just shouldn’t have to see it, is that really so much to ask? Isn’t it enough that he had to stomp all over me, and screw every plan for the future. He has to fucking make himself known too?! I fucking hate him. Everyone at work says he’s trying to get my attention, that he’s always watching me. No, you don’t get your way! You don’t get her and then to watch me from afar because it makes you feel better. I would be so happy if I never had to see him or hear about him ever again.

He’s currently teaching the new guys in my dept, so he’s always making himself fucking known. I can’t wait until he gets demoted (sorry, "redundancy") next month, I hope he gets dumped back on the phones 2 fucking arenas away from me, he’ll still make excuses. Argh, it shouldn’t wind me up this much but it does 🙁 I just want to be free of him and his shit but even now he has to play his fucking games to make me miserable.

I don’t want to be in a relationship right now, because he fucking damaged me, over years of his shit and it pisses me off that he can just be like okay Jade’s done where’s Sam, she went alright.  Dick.  She’s just as dumb, thinking she’ll be able to keep him happy forever when he’s cheated on her so many times.  I don’t wish him well, I hope he’s miserable.  There’s nothing left and I hope he’s miserable.

Right now I feel like I’m going to be alone forever and that’s the way I want it.