Here

I’m still around, I still read, I just haven’t felt like writing lately.

I’m doing okay.  I spend time with friends, I love being at work around everyone and I spend a hell of a lot of time at the gym because it makes me feel good/happy and it tires me out enough so I can collapse in bed and sleep straight away.

I’m not going to lie, I feel really miserable this week.  Not miserable, that’s the wrong word.  I still laugh, I’m still happy.  I’m just lonely I guess.  I miss Bren and it makes me so angry.  I haven’t talked to him in a fortnight now.  I don’t even know why we’re not speaking, we’re just not.  I guess it had to be done, it’s not like he could be in a relationship properly while talking to me as much as we did.  I saw him today, we were both walking to the door, from opposite ends of the corridor, I’ve never tried to blend into the wallpaper so hard in my entire life.  There weren’t even any damn doors for me to duck into.

I’m scared he’ll talk to me, because I can’t deny myself of that, I can whilst he makes no attempt at it.  I don’t want to mean nothing to him, I don’t want to go back to the girl who he can only see when his girlfriend isn’t around.  I can’t deal with feeling second best to her anymore.  He’s forever been my number one, I’ve been through two boyfriends and I put them both after him.  He puts me first for a while, then it gets old and it goes back to nothing, to speaking when she’s not around.

I know he only does it to keep the peace with her.  But it feels like a personal attack.

I’ve started to realise I’m only a thrill to him.  The same as I was to Will, I was fun to muck around with.  Dangerous, blonde, exciting, horny.  That’s all it is to them.  When it comes to serious, apparently I don’t have the parts to that.  It’s just fun for them to point at me and say "yeah, I tapped that." 

I gave Links (his son’s) xmas present to Tiff his ex.  I did it party because I didn’t want to speak to him, nor to take it into work and use it as an excuse.  I also partly did it just to try and get to him.  I know it would of.  She doesn’t like me, well she didn’t, they broke up because of me.  That’s all over two years ago, she could care less now, I was always there when she dropped Link off so she had to get used to me.  She posted on my fb wall.  I know she purposely did because she likes to get to Bren as well as I do.  I love it when people do exactly what you know they’ll do.  I’m such a manipulator.

It wasn’t just for that though.  I got to see Link and it was so good 🙂 I miss him so much.

I miss Ella too, I wish I could get her a xmas present.  I don’t want to confuse her though.  I know she thinks the absolute world of me and I don’t want her to think I’m going to be around.  I haven’t heard from Geard since I asked him to leave me alone.  I might send him a msg for xmas.  I dunno.  This is just me being lonely talking which is exactly why i don’t want to do it.

God I’d kill for cuddles right now.

I just need to be wanted.  But I don’t really have that.  I turned around today and caught Jase checking me out.  That made me giggle.  I wish he was.. Nah actually I don’t, SEE how crazy I’m getting, I just want attention from like.. Anyone!

That’s a lie too, I could have someone over here right now if I wanted.  But I can’t do it, my head wont let me.  I have no interest in it.

ARGH omg I’m actually going crazy. 

MEN!

I’m officially becoming a lesbian.  Surely chicks aren’t this difficult!