Getting there..

Hey guys

So thanks for all your notes, i really appreciate your support.

Last night i made myself stay awake until i was exhausted to ensure i would sleep all night, otherwise i knew i’d lie there in my own misery thinking everything over.  I just sat up watching One Tree Hill.. It comforts me somehow.

I’m doing a bit better today.  I totally broke down this morning again.  It’s just so hard because i made so many memories with him.  I was living with him so soooo many things remind me of him.. Things that i can’t have without him here.  So i let myself cry again.  I msged Jacq and i msged Paul, both of who are getting tired of me sending the same stuff over and over again.  They’re both trying to be supportive as they can.. And i know i’m being as difficult as hell.. It’s just not something i’ve really had to deal with before.

I’m at a constant battle with myself but i sort of realise that i have to stop crying to Jacq, Jade, Paul and Matt.. Because they can’t fix this.  What it comes down to is that I have to fix this.  ME.  And i’ve been trying to tell myself this all night.

Yeah Paul and i do still talk.  We said we didn’t want to stop contact and we still wanted to be mates.  It’s hard now because he’s put so many walls up.. Whether he’s just protecting himself from getting close or preventing me from getting the wrong idea i’m not sure.

It’s possibly not a good idea, but he’s a mate you know.  Once this whole thing is over we can be good mates again.  Just time. 

It’s hard, and it still hurts like hell, but i’m feeling a lot more positive.  It’s not something i can change and it could have ended a lot worse.. I could not be talking to him at all or worse, he could hate me.  But he doesn’t, and he’s tried to help as much as he can.  So i guess it can’t end much better than that.

It’s Prue’s bday celebration tomorrow night.. I don’t think i’m up to going.. Being around so many people.. Being around so many drunk people.. Sleazeball drunk guys hitting on me which i’d usually laugh at and take it as a compliment.. But i don’t want that attention right now.. It’d make me feel worse than ever!  But i can barely bail on Prue.. I don’t know.  She sent me a text asking if i was coming yesterday.. I haven’t replied cause i don’t know what to tell her.. I don’t think she’ll understand!

I’m going to try and get over this.. And stop putting my friends on the spot..  This is my journey.