Forcing

I don’t feel like writing much but i will.. Mainly cause i have nothing better to do!

Since yesterday i have been down.. Like depressed down and i’m not sure why.  I guess i’d been working the last five days and yesterday was my day off, and i was supposed to be hanging out with Molly.. Except that she bailed on me again, leaving me feel kinda lonely.  I realised that other than Paul and Mol.. Paul who barely acknowledges what i mean to him and Mol who seems to bail on me for everything, i don’t really have anyone else.

I screwed up by going off on Jade.. I miss her heaps.. She doesn’t really have time for me now though.. So i guess that’s my own fault.  I’m glad she’s happy though.

Anyways so yesterday i sat at home and msged Paul at work and just felt really shitty in general, about everything.  I went down to his once he finished work and something seemed weird with him.  He sort’ve didn’t talk to me and he lost his temper with both his mum and dad whilst we were walking out the door to get tea.

I tried to ignore the mood and on the way down asked him how his day was.. All he said was "Was really great. *insert huge pause where i nod at his great incite to his day and more silence* …You?"  I just sorta said you know, boring.  In all truth i’d had a horrible day but i wasn’t sure why so no need to bring it up when i couldn’t explain it. 

There was more silence so i started crapping on about my car, in which i didn’t really get a response.  He walked into the food shop with me trailing behind him and walked straight down into the house once we got back home, once again leaving me trailing.

So i was a bit put out at this stage.. I went a bit quiet, mainly due to the fact that i was looking forward to coming down and getting out of my crappy mood.  After tea he announced he was bored and just sorta sat there staring at the floor.. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do i just played with his dog for a while.. Paul passed her over ontop of me and she scratched all up my legs due to my skirt.  I went downstairs to put moisturiser on them and when i came back up paul was playing a computer game..

I sat there for a while waiting for him to finish but he never did.. After about an hour of sitting there bored as hell i just went downstairs to listen to my ipod.  He came down after he realised i’d gone and we started arguing.. Well he did.  He gets mad at me for being on my phone when he’s on his computer.  And for being too quiet.  I was too upset to give him any answers.  I couldn’t believe how much more shitty my night had ended up when i needed comfort from him so so bad.

We stopped arguing cause i said i didn’t want to anymore.  He put something on his comp to watch but i couldn’t pretend i was fine… I couldn’t stop crying, just cause i felt so hopeless with everything.  After i settled down a bit he gave me a hug and said he was sorry.

We fought again before we slept.. Over what else to watch.. Or moreto the fact that he was pissed off cause i wouldn’t make a decision.  I suggested Nip/Tuck, he said no, that he wanted to watch something animated and funny.  I didn’t, i wasn’t in a mood to laugh, so i couldn’t care less what one he put on.. I don’t understand why it pisses him off so much!

We watched the simpsons from different sides of the bed and fell asleep that way.. Well he did.. I had some form of anxiety attack.. I couldn’t stop crying (silently), which in turn caused my asthma to play up and me to freak out over the fact that i wasn’t breathing properlly, which never used to worry me, but lately freaks me out.  I eventually cried myself to sleep.

I woke up in Paul’s arms.. Which was reassuring, but i hate mornings SO much.. It’s when paul is least affectionate.. He just gets up.. Wakes me up at a time i’m not used to being up and leaves.. Wouldn’t hurt him to give me a cuddle or say morning or anythinnnggg!  I dunno, i guess i read into things too much.. I like affection too much.

I felt even shittier when i got up.. I still felt on the verge of cryingall morning for no apparent reason.. I talked to Jacq about it.. She said ti sounded like anxiety to her.  It could be the fact that Paul is away this weekend.  And just the plain fact that i’m lonely as hell and i’m not dealing with it AT ALL!

I was tagging along with Mol to a party tonight.. but she bailed on me AGAIN so i ended up watching episodes of mcleods daughters with mum.  I have to do something tomorrow night.. It’s saturday night and i’ll freak out if i have to stay home.. I’ll see what mol’s doing.. If not i’ll msg Foxy and see if he wants to go for a cruise or something.. i need a god damn distraction!

I don’t understand why i’m feeling like this.. I’ve never been this down before for no reason!  I’ve always had it under control.. And i can’t grasp it this time!

In other news im having hair trouble.. Everytime i wash my hair it’s coming out greasey at the back.. Like i’ve left conditioner in it, even though i havent and yesterday i even had a second shower to try and clean it.. I’ve always had perfect hair.. This wouldn’t be to do with my apparent "anxiety" would it????