dear mom

 

 

Before you read this, I’m asking you to do a few things for me. First, read with an open mind. For once, let go of all opinions. Listen. Be honest and aware about your thoughts and feelings while reading this. Respect and accept my opinion is all I ask.

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Lets start from the very beginning. I first learned about sex from friends, the Internet, trial and error, Planned Parenthood and books. However, I felt like I could not openly communicate sexual conversations with my parents. I was (and still am!) in a long-term relationship with my current boyfriend when I lost my virginity. You may be wondering why I saved myself for him. He was the perfect guy for me. He’s strong, is educated in social justice knowledge and has a willingness to learn. He has great communication skills and he’s emotionally mature, honest and thoughtful. He’s sexy. He’s also sensitive and gentle. His personality captivated me and that’s what turned me on. When I met Jacob, I came to acknowledge my sexual desire.

 

 

 

Now I’m going into detail. When having sex with someone consent is most important. With Jacob, before we had sex, we made sure both of us were comfortable for what would happen next. Never once did I feel pressured, pushed or obligated to have sex with him. He was never arrogant and I never felt reduced to an object for his pleasure. We played it safe using condoms. Afterwards, he made sure I was comfortable and okay with everything that has just happened.

That’s why he is such a great sex partner for me. He fell in love with my naked soul before he fell in love with my naked body.

 Before we jump into this head on allow me to explain to you what sex means to ME, personally. To me, when you look at sex and sexuality… it’s a language. And as humans, we are the only species capable of making meaning with the things do in our life. When it comes to sex, a lot is placed on the meaning attached to the act. No one can define it for you. It must come from you.

 The reason I am writing this is because I feel restricted to my communication in regards to sex with my parents. I am a very sex-positive person. In other words, I believe sex is a completely natural part of life. There is absolutely nothing “wrong” or “bad” about sexual activity with a monogamous partner. I believe everyone has a right to their sexual power and to be able to freely explore and learn about their bodies and bodies of the ones they love. I refuse to believe sex is a negative concept.

 However, I do understand your concern.  I understand it’s a moral dilemma between your beliefs and mine. You may be worried about pregnancy, infections, emotional attachment, and so on. You might even think I’m crossing boundaries and somehow ruining my innocence. I want to point out there is a big difference between innocence and ignorance. Maybe a concern of yours might be that all my future relationships become sex based (like Allyssa, for example). I want you to know that I understand the moral value of what sex is and what it means. Sex can be fantastic, yes, and it can certainly be a very integral part of a relationship but it isn’t everything. It is a big deal because it involves intimacy and emotions. Sex on it’s own will only provide one kind of fulfillment. Love provides many more levels of fulfillment. Relationships don’t revolve around sex, people argue and debate just as much about the other issues. Sex is just popular as a subject. I understand and realize that sex is not love and love is not sex.

 

To each of the above-mentioned concerns, I have a solution. Responsible sexual activity means to have sex in clean

places, use protection and choose sexual partners wisely. I have asked repeatedly, begged, even, to be put on some form of birth control. It hasn’t happened yet, but every time I have sex condoms are always used. Always. I believe I have chosen a wise partner who is also concerned about safe sex as well. If you are worried about contracting STD’s I am more than willing to go and get tested. I want to be safe about my sex. I want to be responsible about my sex. I want to be able to have birth control and condoms readily available. I want to be able to have an enjoyable sex life and not worry about being shamed, oppressed or looked down on for it.

 

The main reason I write this is because I feel the way you and I view sex are different. I almost feel as though you think sex is “bad” or “wrong” or “unhealthy”. I did some research based on the idea that sex is inappropriate for my age and this is what I found.

 

“The good news is that while teen sex may not be wholly preventable, the health risks it involves can be reduced through communication within the family. More research presented at the APHA meeting showed that frequent parent-child discussions about sex and its dangers may prevent teenagers from engaging in risky sexual behavior. Adolescents who felt that their families were more supportive were less likely to have unprotected sex, and thus were at a lesser risk for pregnancy and disease.”

From: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200107/teens-and-sex

 

 Honestly, there is nothing I want more than to be able to have a stress free sex life. I hate worrying about lying, sneaking around, participating in risky behaviors all because I feel I cannot be open with my thoughts and feelings about sex. I want to be able to tell you what is going on, ask questions, and hear personal stories. I fear telling you the whole truth about my sex life because I feel you would try and prevent it from happening. I feel like you shame me for having sexual relations and use any information regarding sex against me. There is no healthy communication here.

 

I would appreciate it if maybe you took some of your own time to study and research feminism, sex positivity and sexism. I truly believe it would give you a better understanding of where I am coming. I think it would help you to differentiate facts, realities and evidence from your own personal opinion.